Sometimes God gives me a little glimpse into His sense of humor. Why else do we fart? On Monday I had a doctor appointment. I had to take some nice drugs so my sister had to take me. Before we left, for some reason Vahn had bandaids in his pocket. He gave one to me and wanted me to put it in the diaper bag in case I needed it. He is such a sweet guy! We got to the office, I sat down in a chair, and slipped off my shoes. Grace looked down and said my foot was bleeding. I took out a baby wipe and cleaned it up. Grace reminded me of the bandaid. After it was cleaned up, I put the bandaid on. One of those simple times when God reminds me He will always take care of me even if its as simple as a cut on my little toe. Thanks God!

Have you ever stopped to think how other people view your life? Not in some “I don’t care what people think of me” attitude. I’m talking about things like your house, your clothes, your kids…that kind of thing. I walked into someone’s house the other day and began to wonder how people view me and my house. Do they feel peace or chaos when they walk in the door? Do they think it’s as cluttered as I feel it is? Are they as in love with my bookshelf as I am? Does my house “go” together or does it feel like some stuff purchased at a garage sale and thrown together? I then started thinking about how my kids are, my appearance, my lifestyle and such. It always cracks me up when someone meets Chandlur then the other kids at a later time. They are always surprised at how calm the others. I guess they expect all my kids to be exuberant (good choice of words huh?) as he. I periodically look at my life to see if I’m the elusive Debbie Downer. People who are constantly negative and complaining drive me nuts (sometimes that person is myself). It’s not that I care how people view me to a certain extent (I always want to put my best foot forward of course), merely curiosity. I always enjoy getting into people’s head and viewing life through their eyes. I think it also can be good to view your life as an impartial third party. There can be great perspective. I guess that’s what therapists are for. It sure is a lot cheaper if you can do it for yourself:)

Miss Adalyn has been with us for 6 weeks now. It seems like she has always been here and yet it seems like she was just born yesterday. For the most part she is a really good baby. She loves to stare at our huge book shelf (another book lover perhaps?). The recovery is going so much better than I could have hoped for, especially since the beginning was a little touchy. After about a week or so I was back to cleaning a little. I just cannot stand a messy house! After a month I was back to my weights and walking (another 2 weeks and I will be back to running). Other than being sleep deprived and falling asleep at 7:30 some nights, I don’t have too much to complain about.

Now that my brain is beginning to get back in the game after a few months of time off, I am back to feeding my own soul. I am beginning to get that restless feeling again in my life. Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for my walk. I had to quickly leave before I burst into tears. I am starting to not like who is staring back at me. There is so much I want to do with my life and so many goals I have that I almost feel overwhelmed. I have my hands full with my family and am struggling with that age old quandary we stay at home moms have, juggling the family while finding time to pursue our own lives. I struggle with not having the support I wish I had. Some roads I feel God calling me down scare the piss out of me. On my walk tonight, I felt God saying, “You are a strong woman. You have overcome much harder things.” I know what God has for me, I just need to step out in faith. As I’m typing this, I am getting teary eyed. Perhaps fear of overcoming some huge mental roadblocks, or maybe the sadness of where I have allowed life to go. I have let someone else take that control for the first time in my life, and they have failed. I keep making excuses and new deadlines. After my walk today, I realized I can no longer be making excuses. In my life I am determined to break family cycles of poverty, emotionally absent relationships, denial, bitterness, being judgmental, and oh so many more.  I have come to realize these are my battles most have been overcome, some are always going to be on going, and one I am having a rough time getting on top of.  Whatever Kevin chooses is on him, good or bad.  The only person I can control is myself.  Therefore I must make choices to propel myself toward my goals and not worry about where he is in his life. I just don’t know how to proceed, or shall I say the first step. I know God will provide that info because I am seeking. I know that in my weakness God is strong. As always He will come through and provide me all I need to meet those goals.  My biggest prayer is for continuing courage to greet this head on and no shrink away in fear.

What a crazy few months!  Now that the baby is here our lives have calmed down a little.  It is funny to say I know.  When I don’t feel well, am in pain, or upset, I like to be alone.  The last month of the pregnancy I was incredibly anti-social and hardly went anywhere other than the doctor’s or hospital.  I was on a high dose of steroids to further suppress my immune system, I had 2 bags of IVIG (which took about 12 hours at the hospital) instead of just one, I had to sleep on the couch at an incline, and I was just plain miserable.

Then d-day came on May 8th.  After a discussion with Dr Tomlinson, we decided to forgo the cordasentesis and go for the c-section instead of a VBAC.  I wasn’t nervous for the actual procedure, however, the recover had me a little weary.  I had no idea how my body would heal after the 2nd c-section.  I’m glad I was ok with the procedure because of all that happened.  I was hoping it would be a routine, I would stay for 4 days, go home, and all would be good.  Well, the hospital recovery kept in theme with the craziness of the pregnancy.  It started in the operating room.  The nurse almost forgot to call Kevin in the room and he just about missed the actual birth (thanks to Dr Wentross who caught it, I love her!)  After she started cutting, the anesthesiologist started putting an IV in me.  I was NOT happy and almost started crying.  I felt like all control was lost because of my spinal and now this.  I guess if I needed a transfusion, they didn’t want to do it through my PICC line.  The birth just seemed so chaotic.  Then, I was wheeled back to my room for recovery.  Things just got worse.

Kevin left to get some dinner with his folks in the cafeteria.  At that point my recovery was text book.  Soon after he left I went down hill.  The nurse checked me and saw I was bleeding more than I should have been.  A few minutes later she checked me again and became concerned.  She pressed really hard on my uterus.  Talk about some serious pain!  It hurt so bad I was moaning and cried.  This process continued for about an hour.  In the middle of this, she was just about to call Kevin when he came through the door.  He said it looked like a war zone with blood everywhere, all over the floor and the bed.  The nurse kept injecting medicine in my leg and gave me pitocin in my IV trying to get the bleeding to stop.  She then called the doctor because all of her attempts weren’t working.  She even put garbage in the laundry bag because she was in such a hurry trying to care for me.  Although I was scared, in pain, and generally feeling icky, I was trying not to get upset and cry.  I knew that would make everything that much worse.  They needed to focus on me physically not helping me emotionally.  Mine and the babies temperature was low, although I felt warm.  They kept piling on blankets then put on a plastic blanket thing that blows out warm air.  I was feeling very nauseaous.  I ended up puking all over myself because my tummy muscles were still numb and I couldn’t move my body.  Kevin tried so hard to help me get it in the little blue bag thing.  He ended up having to clean me up.  Then I asked to have the baby on my chest to get her warmed up.  Finally, everything got under control after a couple hours.  I have never felt so horrible, uncomfortable, and helpless.  I mean, at least with the pain of childbirth comes the baby and you know there is an end.  I had no idea when this would end and I was completely helpless because I was still numb.

I was hoping after this things would get better….no such luck.  Later that night, a test came back saying I had preeclampsia.  Seriously???  Hadn’t I had enough??  Thankfully the baby was fine.  Her platlett count was 95,000 and she was healthy.  I could handle myself having issues much more than if she wasn’t ok.  They had to give me magnesium which burned going in.  That lasted for almost 1/2 hour.  The other bag of stuff hurt a little going in, and I think that one dripped for 24 hours.  During that time, I could hardly have any liquid and I had to record how much I peed.  Ice chips, here I come!!  I was hoping to get up and walk by then, however I was stuck in bed because of all the complications.  I got to wear some cute little booties which kept the circulation going in my legs.  I finally got to get out of bed on Sunday.

On Monday, I got a visit from my amazingly wonderful Dr. Wentross.  She is so cute!  She said I was famous on the floor and she was proud to be my doctor.  I told her I was so happy she WAS my doctor.  She was ticked no one told her about all my complications.  She has delivered all 4 of my kiddos and I absolutely love her!  She can count on one hand how many patients she can say that about.  Anyways, we talked about how I felt and how I looked.  She recommened a transfusion.  She said it would take an extra month or so to recover if I didn’t have one.  My hemocrit the day before was only 19 and Monday it wasn’t much better at 21.  After all the complications, I didn’t want a complicated recovery after I got home too.  A couple hours later 2 units of blood started dripping into me.  The IV nurse didn’t know why they put in an IV along with my PICC line.  Halfway through the second bag of blood, she moved it from my IV to my PICC line because it wasn’t dripping fast enough.  Apparently, the bag can only be out of the fridge for a certain period of time.  She took out my IV and I almost kissed her.  That thing hurt!!  She was looking at it and said it hurt because for some reason they put it right on my wrist joint.  I wasn’t too excited about the anesteologist this time around and the IV was the icing on the cake.  Finally that thing got taken out by a very pregnant IV nurse….I have no idea how she can handle walking the hospital all day.  Finally that night I got to get up and walk.

I wasn’t sure how this whole recovery thing would go seeing thus far, it was filled with drama.  I got to go home on Tuesday afternoon and boy was I ready for a looong break from the hospital.  Someone else can be the star of the maternity ward for awhile.

Sometimes Vahn can be so much like his father it’s scary.  Sometimes he completely amazes me and leaps out that box.

We were driving home after cleaning the church.  It was just the boys because Cozette was at Grandma’s for the weekend.  The boys helped a lot and were really good.  Kevin asked them what kind of a treat they wanted.  Chandlur sitting in the very back “hhhmmm”.  Vahn immediately pipes up, very excitedly I might add, “SALAD!!”.  Kevin and I exchanged glances.  Trying not to laugh I said, “Vahn you want salad for a treat?”.  Enthusiastically, “YEAH!”  I thought we were going to get in an accident because Kevin was laughing so hard.  That kid always has us laughing whether he means to or not.  When we got home sure enough, he still wanted salad so we made him one and he happily ate it.  How can you deny a kid when they want to eat their veggies?

I know I said I would be better at writing.  After I said that, I had another complication to this crazy pregnancy, anemia.  I had my glucose test and later that day the nurse called.  When you get a call back after that, you know it can’t be good.  Good news I passed the test, bad news I’m pretty anemic.  Now for me who has had problems my whole life, it was no surprise.  How bad and how my body responded was.  I have never been so bad off before.  I started taking over twice what is usually recommended.  There was no change in how I felt.  I have been so lethargic and can’t make it through the day without a nap.  My house wasn’t as clean as I like, my poor kids wanted my attention, and all I could do was sit on the couch hoping I didn’t have to use my brain.  Two weeks later I had my blood tested again out of curiosity.  The doctor wasn’t happy!  My iron level had actually dropped!!!  We talked about ways to modify my supplement to possibly have it better assimilated into my poor body.  She said if it didn’t come up then I would have to have an iron infusion.  A couple weeks before I had talked to the nurse at the hospital about it, and the side effects aren’t much fun at all!  I knew it must have been serious because my actual doctor called me back a few hours later to touch base.  Normally, it’s her nurse I talk to.  She said they were going to look at my blood and see how well my bone marrow is creating new cells to compensate for the ones dying.   I have my next appointment next week (we have begun the every two week visits) so we shall see what she decides to do.  She consulted my perinatologist before she had called.  He confirmed that if I did have to have an iron infusion, it would have to be on a different day as my IVIG AND they can’t use my PICC line which means they only have one arm to try and get an IV in.

This baby girl and all her needs.  Hopefully she won’t be high maintenance once she gets here:)

I got my first, “mommy you are beautiful”!  I hear “I love you” often.  Or sometimes Cozette will tell me I am pretty when I get dressed up.  Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I wasn’t feeling good at all (I only drank half my coffee which shocked my hubby and had to take a Zolfran) and I was incredibly tired.  My morning was spend in and out of conscienceness lying on the couch.  At one point Vahn came up to me and started petting my face.  He then said “mommy, you’re beautiful”.  He gave me another few strokes and ran over to daddy.  He is such a sweet kid, some woman is going to be very lucky someday!

It never ceases to amaze me how God provides.  So Kevin has changed careers which has sent our finances into a tizzy, and him working at home which means I know exactly what he does.  About a month ago God and I had a conversation.  I really needed to give control.  I walked away with the mantra ‘increase my faith’.  This was faith in God as well as faith in Kevin to provide for us.  Two weeks ago at prayer group I opened up about this and my need for a clean house.  When I get obsessive over having a clean house, I know it’s a symptom of the feeling my world is out of control.  After that, it seemed something broke in me.  A peace started to fill my world, although I will confess, it isn’t 100% yet.

That following week financially was incredible.  Kevin took initiative and sold some stuff we had laying around unused on Craigslist.  Then we did our taxes and are getting back much much more than we thought (2 months of living expenses!).  We qualified for energy assistance and got almost all our PGE bill paid for.  To top it all off, we were able to get rental assistance.  There is this number you call at a certain time once a month and the first 40 people to leave a message receive it.  Amazingly we were one of the very lucky ones (you can imagine how many call for help each month).  I thought we would get half our rent paid and have to borrow the rest until our tax money came in.  Part of the grant is to give the person 30 days to catch up!  We should be getting our money in the next couple days to make that up.  One of those times I have to humbly get on my knees before God and apologize for not trusting Him.  He has always come through, why would I doubt now?  I am still in awe about that week!

As far as my faith in Kevin, that is a slower process.  It is coming along, just a little slower.  Since he is home I know what he is always doing (or lack thereof).  I want to be his wife and partner, not his boss reminding him to do his work.  I know this will be a process.  He learned a great lesson yesterday.  It was actually kind of funny.  I told him on the days he feels he doesn’t have ‘it’ to do more action to make yourself feel better and get out of that funk quick.  Later last night, one of those training him basically said the same thing.  It seemed to really click and I won’t lie, it felt good:)  I have been really proud of the effort he has been putting forth in this new business so far.  If he keeps up this momentum he has built over the last couple weeks, we will get very far.  I know it’s a journey for him too.

I have been feeling like such a looser lately.  My usual positive self has been taken over by a whiny, lazy woman.  I think my problem revolves around being tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple weeks and think this is at the heart of it all.  I am just so tired, sometimes it takes me awhile to find motivation to do something.  If it weren’t for discipline, my family would be eating off of dirty plates and wearing dirty clothes.  I feel bad for my poor hubby because my sense of humor has dissapated, and I haven’t been the most sweet wife.  I haven’t been mean, just not the lovey dovey that Kevin likes.  These damn hormones and lack of sleep have me in a funk.  I keep reminding myself and him it’s only a phase.  I keep promising usual self will return.  Aside from my hospital visits and myriad of doctor appoinments, this has just been a rough pregnancy on me.  I am just about 2/3 of the way there.  I have been told it would be a good idea to start taking some drugs before I have the baby so I don’t have such bad postpartum depression as I did last time.  Maybe some St John’s Wort will help?

When my house can’t be clean enough, I know I am out of control.  It seems the more out of control my world is, the cleaner my house is.  I know many would be envious, but seriously with 3 small children?  It takes lots of energy.  I am beginning to feel that right now.  That is my indicator that I need to chill and take some deep breathes.

I feel like there is just so much chaos right now, I can’t deal with it all.  It seems we are going a mile a minute and I am exhausted.  I know quite a bit has to do with my pregnancy and all that goes into it.  Then there is Kevin’s career change.  Unfortunately he didn’t make any money last month cuz of it all so we are left being financially creative (my brain is tired and hurts!).  Then there is just the usual with having a kid in school, and keeping the younger two entertained.

Saturday it all caught up to me and I just couldn’t pull myself together all morning until I called a girlfriend to chat.  I thought either I would murder my husband or have a nice welt on my forehead where I repeatedly kept banging it.  Perhaps, even Kevin might have come home and found me rocking in a small corning while the kids kept hitting repeat on the movie.  So, last week….I had my IVIG on Wednesday as usual, then I found myself back up near the hospital for my routine doctor’s appointment which I had to drive to by borrowing my MIL’s car while she watched the kids because Kevin had some training.  On my way home (yes, just about all the way home), my phone rings.  I have to turn around, go back to the hospital because they are waiting for me in radiology.  I had to call my MIL and make sure she had the extra time.  I go back to the hospital and get my PICC line.  I was so nervous, I was close to tears and my hubby was unreachable.  I got laid on an operating table while they worked away on my arm.  I am now the proud owner of a PICC line in my left arm.  After it was put in, I had to wait while the nurse figured out where I was to go the next day for my dressing to be changed.  It would be on Saturday and the usual places wouldn’t be open.  That was a process!  Thankfully the nurse was amazing and wouldn’t take the answers she was getting.  After a while of waiting and the nurse stalking the doctor’s office to fax orders, I was sent down to Infusion to make the appointment.  Saturday, Kevin’s usual training was extended (of all days, right?)  He was going to leave early then decided to see if his folks could bring Chandlur back early and I again could use their car to go back to the hospital.  I got to Infusion and had a looooong wait.  I guess there were only 2 nurses and they had quite a few people who needed assistance all at once.  When I got home (an hour later than I thought I would), we had a little party for Chandlur (I can’t believe I almost have a 6 year old!).  I snuck out and went to have a Jamba Juice with my girlfriend then ditched my fam and went to her house for some yummy dinner.  Then of course Sunday was Super Bowl so we went to church, had naptime, then went to some friends house.  Yesterday I was EXHAUSTED!!  I could hardly muster the energy to do the laundry.  Then today, we made a trip back out toward the hospital for an ultrasound and an appointment with the perinatalologist.  Tomorrow, we get to go back for my first IVIG with my new PICC line and a much needed rest.

Kevin just came home after an interview at a call center.  Now, a new kink to figure out.  He got the job.  He is going to have to work a J.O.B. for the next few months until his new business is up and running.  Can I go cry in the corner now?  Maybe I should give in to my craving tonight and get a Jamba Juice.