Along the lines of my Chan man…….

Recently at the bus stop a little boy approached him.  He was standing next to Cozette.  The boy looked back and forth at the both of them a few times.  He then looks at Chandlur and asks, (pointing to Zettie) “Is she your sister?”  Chandlur puts his arm around Cozette, puffs out his chest, “yes she is”.  The little boy looks back and forth again a few more times.  ”She is white”, he says completely confused.  Chandlur nonchalantly, “I”m just different.”, gives a slight shoulder shrug and looks over the kid’s shoulder at the other boys.  He had already moved on.

We have been blessed with some money from a very generous neighbor.  They gave us money so Chandlur can be officially a Baird.  About 2 weeks ago we had to go into the lawyers office and sign the petition.  We had all the kids in tow.  Afterwards we talked to Chandlur about what we were doing.  He was so funny.  He had no idea and didn’t really seem to even care.  We tried to explain to him that his name will be changed from Hodgson to Baird.  He said “Oh, like the name my teacher calls me?”  We said yes.  If you ask him his full name, he will tell  you Baird (he can’t even pronounce Hodgson).  We have brought it up to him a few times since and he acts like it’s no big deal.  His nonchalance cracks me up.  In about 2 months or so he will be official and no more of this name crap!  He sees no difference in context to his family, however, when he has to pick out a face color, he tends toward brown.  For instance, his favorite GI Joe has a brown face, when asked to color himself, it’s brown.

Maybe someday he will be curious or maybe not.  Who knows.  I thought at this point he would be asking questions.  I think it’s so cute how he doesn’t seem to think twice about being different.

Speaking of adoption……Mr Spiegel is an adoption attorney and gave us info on adopting.  Since I was a teenager I knew I wanted to adopt.  After looking over it all, the bug has bit HARD!  Much like the baby bug hits me.  It won’t be for awhile though because we need more space.  Maybe in a couple years……

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

Oh, my children, how do I sum up the matter of faith?  I know I can go through anything or any place because God is next to me.  Sometimes, He is holding my hand skipping next to me.  Sometimes, He is walking in front of me leading the way, breaking the wind.  Sometimes, He is on the sidelines yelling encouragement to keep going forward in His plan.  Sometimes, He is walking behind me giving me a little push.  I know I can sound like an old fart, however, I must say it.  Your relationship with God is the single most important thing to put effort into.  When you are on God’s path, life just seems so clear.  When God isn’t the focus and I don’t pay attention to His direction, there just seems to be no peace.  As it says in Isaiah 55:9, God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  He knows, really He does, I promise.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  I promise you, it IS better with Him. 

There was one point in my life where I wanted nothing to do with God.  If He created this mess, then He wasn’t for me.  Unfortunately it wasn’t Him who created it and I was allowing my view of mankind to be my view of God.  As I have matured in my life, I have realized what a big part God really does play for me.  He is the backbone of which I can function on those days I want to crawl back in bed.  He is my redeemer, restorer, and my rewarder.

God wants to use for amazing things, however, if we aren’t ready, He will use someone else who is.  You can kiss that blessing good-bye.  I could tell you of all the lessons I have learned in life, however, that would be pointless.  Your journey is different than mine.  As long as you are spending time reading/applying the Word, seeking God in prayer, and quieting your heart to hear Him, He will guide you.

God never gives us more than we can handle, right? Over the past couple weeks He has been giving me bits and pieces and I know He isn’t done. He has really been speaking to my heart about friendship. I have been praying for some close friends and a mentor. It began with an evening at the neighbors. We were drinking and chatting on the patio. The next day I began to wonder if this was part of an answer to my prayers. I really like them! Perhaps this is an unexpected friendship because although we are neighbors, we are at completely different places in life (they are in their 50’s with no kids). A couple days later Kevin and I were talking about our experiences with friends. Clarity began to happen. I realized I had never really had a good example in my folks in how to create friendships (they didn’t really have many long lasting friends). Growing up I never really had those long lasting friendships. I never really hung out at anyone’s house on a consistent or even often basis. When I went from elementary to private middle school, I wasn’t able to continue cultivating those friendships. In private school I wasn’t into Keds or long conversations on the phone so I was somewhat of a social outcast and didn’t have many friends. Seriously, what does “we want to be friends in a different way” really mean?? I recieved a note from a group of girls that said that. When I hit high school I had a couple people who I was with quite a bit. Over the years those faded except for one. Since high school I have made friends here and there but for some reason we just loose contact.

In my conversation with Kevin I began to realize I don’t know how to be a good friend. We started talking about those around us who seem to have many relationships and what they did to gain those. Some things I can accept, while some just aren’t me. I want friends, not just a bunch of acquaintances.

This prompted me to pick up “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It was a book on my bookshelf calling out my name. Seriously, I almost heard it speak to me:) I have just begun reading it and already God is changing my heart.

Last night we had a worship and prayer time at church. It was to cover this transition period and connect since we won’t have church for 3 weeks. I had one of those moments where God plants a thought out of the blue and it makes me giggle. I realized this new journey of friendship is in preperation for our “new” church. It will be a new season of deep relationships that I haven’t ever really had.

I think I am at the beginning of this new adventure of friendships. I know I have a long way to go and probably many hurdles to leap over. I also know God is only going to give me little pieces at a time so I get it and don’t get to overwhelmed.

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
Ive got to break away
So take my hand now

Chorus
cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

Ive been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Chorus

Sometimes this life can get you down
Its so confusing
There’s so many rules to follow
And I feel it
cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Repeat chorus to fade

I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Last night at prayer group, God really spoke. I am currently in freak out mode over the church changing. When I am angry, worried, hurt, etc., I freak out, cry, and have crazy conversations with myself. It doesn’t last long, I collect myself and create a plan of attack. I know it’s all good and definitely in God’s plan, I just have issues with churches and christians. I thought I was over it all, however, I guess I need some more healing. Long ago, our family was kicked out of a church because of the poor choices of one of our family members. It was a horrid time for me and I was left with no one at all to turn to. I have finally found a church with pastors I can trust and people who show me what a christian is supposed to be. Now, all that is changing. I know it’s no accident for my life. Maybe this is part of the wall of needing to be filled up and chilling. I know once this freak out mode is past, all will be well again. I think in the end things will be even better then they were.

God speaks to one of the ladies in our prayer group through pictures. When I am “free” of the crap of my life (all my wounds healed), I see myself as a zebra running through the plains and the Savage Garden song “Animal Song” blaring. This is something I shared with her a few years ago when we were creating these books of who we are. Last night she saw that zebra galloping by itself. Then she saw that zebra in a herd with all the strips overlapping so you couldn’t tell one zebra from another. She isn’t sure what it means, nor am I. This is what I have to meditate on…..what is God trying to tell me? After she told me this, I said when she was praying for me, I was reminded that I usually run. I think this time God is really saying to stay and heal. This is the time. I have a support group that will be there for me. Maybe it’s time to deal with my fault line of “I don’t matter”. I believe everyone has a fault line….that one message they tell themselves even from childhood and build their lives on to over compensate for that feeling. Maybe now is the right time for me to really heal and deal. The plates have shifted, the earthquake is here, and my house of cards is tumbling down upon itself.

So much to ponder in this sleep deprived brain………….

If only I knew then what I know now…….

To my girls:
*Watch the movie “He’s Just Not That In To You”!
*Boys will say anything to get into your pants.
*If you have to excuse any of his behavior….run!
*He should always be kind, gentle, and a man of integrity. I knew your daddy was a great man when he would call me first out of the blue, or he would follow through when he said he was going to.
*If a man truly wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be there.
*Only be with a man who is worthy of your amazing spirit and heart. Don’t give your heart away to any man less than wonderful. Each time you give your heart away, that is less of a piece you can give to your future husband. It is a piece which will take time to heal. There are no take backs when you give your heart away.
*He must make you feel special. Not just special at the moment he is with you, but always and everywhere. *Never be with a man to try and change him, rescue dating.
*Don’t put into a relationship more than you are getting back.
*If he keeps asking for money, tell him God didn’t create you to be a sugar mama.
*As with anyone, pay more attention to their actions then what they have to say.
*Find out if they have ambition in life. If their only goal is to be king of the trailer park, drinking cheap bear on the porch (I really did have a friend who said this)…..please run. Only be with a man who has goals and dreams.

I know it may be hard, but please listen to me when I don’t like a boyfriend. I have experienced the good, the bad, and the complete asshole. I DO know what I’m talking about, really. Realize having a boyfriend isn’t why you are on this earth. It doesn’t give you your identity. I had a boyfriend tell me once, he wasn’t looking for a companion but a compliment. I have always thought that is the best goal for a relationship. This may be perhaps one of the most important aspects of life to be discerning with. I have made some pretty bad choices and pray constantly you will be smarter and make better choices than I ever did.

Lately I feel I have hit a wall. I see what will be, however, it seems I can’t make any progress. I have a handful of women praying for me this past week. They think maybe God is telling me I need a period of rest (the whole back thing) to prepare for those awesome things. Yesterday at church it seemed God spoke to me almost immediately upon entering the doors through a song. I think I am just empty and need some filling up…..praying the Holy Spirit will fill me up with a new song. The past 6 months with the pregnancy, then adding a new baby, then my back issue, then the baby being sick this past week…my tank is empty. Pastor Ed was praying and commented about following God in the fog. It was like in the cartoons when you see the light bulb above the head. That is it, I feel I have been following God in the fog. I know He is there, I just don’t see His direction so clearly. I’m squishing through the mud trying to accomplish the mundane to get closer to my goals and dreams. I know my direction is right, I’m just not sure exactly what the road signs say. So, for now, I will be following God in the fog, reading my Bible though the words at time just don’t click, and taking this time to just chill.

Vahn leaning over and kissing the baby, “she smells poopy”.

Chandlur, “welcome to mom’s world!”