I know I said I would be better at writing.  After I said that, I had another complication to this crazy pregnancy, anemia.  I had my glucose test and later that day the nurse called.  When you get a call back after that, you know it can’t be good.  Good news I passed the test, bad news I’m pretty anemic.  Now for me who has had problems my whole life, it was no surprise.  How bad and how my body responded was.  I have never been so bad off before.  I started taking over twice what is usually recommended.  There was no change in how I felt.  I have been so lethargic and can’t make it through the day without a nap.  My house wasn’t as clean as I like, my poor kids wanted my attention, and all I could do was sit on the couch hoping I didn’t have to use my brain.  Two weeks later I had my blood tested again out of curiosity.  The doctor wasn’t happy!  My iron level had actually dropped!!!  We talked about ways to modify my supplement to possibly have it better assimilated into my poor body.  She said if it didn’t come up then I would have to have an iron infusion.  A couple weeks before I had talked to the nurse at the hospital about it, and the side effects aren’t much fun at all!  I knew it must have been serious because my actual doctor called me back a few hours later to touch base.  Normally, it’s her nurse I talk to.  She said they were going to look at my blood and see how well my bone marrow is creating new cells to compensate for the ones dying.   I have my next appointment next week (we have begun the every two week visits) so we shall see what she decides to do.  She consulted my perinatologist before she had called.  He confirmed that if I did have to have an iron infusion, it would have to be on a different day as my IVIG AND they can’t use my PICC line which means they only have one arm to try and get an IV in.

This baby girl and all her needs.  Hopefully she won’t be high maintenance once she gets here:)

I got my first, “mommy you are beautiful”!  I hear “I love you” often.  Or sometimes Cozette will tell me I am pretty when I get dressed up.  Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I wasn’t feeling good at all (I only drank half my coffee which shocked my hubby and had to take a Zolfran) and I was incredibly tired.  My morning was spend in and out of conscienceness lying on the couch.  At one point Vahn came up to me and started petting my face.  He then said “mommy, you’re beautiful”.  He gave me another few strokes and ran over to daddy.  He is such a sweet kid, some woman is going to be very lucky someday!

When my house can’t be clean enough, I know I am out of control.  It seems the more out of control my world is, the cleaner my house is.  I know many would be envious, but seriously with 3 small children?  It takes lots of energy.  I am beginning to feel that right now.  That is my indicator that I need to chill and take some deep breathes.

I feel like there is just so much chaos right now, I can’t deal with it all.  It seems we are going a mile a minute and I am exhausted.  I know quite a bit has to do with my pregnancy and all that goes into it.  Then there is Kevin’s career change.  Unfortunately he didn’t make any money last month cuz of it all so we are left being financially creative (my brain is tired and hurts!).  Then there is just the usual with having a kid in school, and keeping the younger two entertained.

Saturday it all caught up to me and I just couldn’t pull myself together all morning until I called a girlfriend to chat.  I thought either I would murder my husband or have a nice welt on my forehead where I repeatedly kept banging it.  Perhaps, even Kevin might have come home and found me rocking in a small corning while the kids kept hitting repeat on the movie.  So, last week….I had my IVIG on Wednesday as usual, then I found myself back up near the hospital for my routine doctor’s appointment which I had to drive to by borrowing my MIL’s car while she watched the kids because Kevin had some training.  On my way home (yes, just about all the way home), my phone rings.  I have to turn around, go back to the hospital because they are waiting for me in radiology.  I had to call my MIL and make sure she had the extra time.  I go back to the hospital and get my PICC line.  I was so nervous, I was close to tears and my hubby was unreachable.  I got laid on an operating table while they worked away on my arm.  I am now the proud owner of a PICC line in my left arm.  After it was put in, I had to wait while the nurse figured out where I was to go the next day for my dressing to be changed.  It would be on Saturday and the usual places wouldn’t be open.  That was a process!  Thankfully the nurse was amazing and wouldn’t take the answers she was getting.  After a while of waiting and the nurse stalking the doctor’s office to fax orders, I was sent down to Infusion to make the appointment.  Saturday, Kevin’s usual training was extended (of all days, right?)  He was going to leave early then decided to see if his folks could bring Chandlur back early and I again could use their car to go back to the hospital.  I got to Infusion and had a looooong wait.  I guess there were only 2 nurses and they had quite a few people who needed assistance all at once.  When I got home (an hour later than I thought I would), we had a little party for Chandlur (I can’t believe I almost have a 6 year old!).  I snuck out and went to have a Jamba Juice with my girlfriend then ditched my fam and went to her house for some yummy dinner.  Then of course Sunday was Super Bowl so we went to church, had naptime, then went to some friends house.  Yesterday I was EXHAUSTED!!  I could hardly muster the energy to do the laundry.  Then today, we made a trip back out toward the hospital for an ultrasound and an appointment with the perinatalologist.  Tomorrow, we get to go back for my first IVIG with my new PICC line and a much needed rest.

Kevin just came home after an interview at a call center.  Now, a new kink to figure out.  He got the job.  He is going to have to work a J.O.B. for the next few months until his new business is up and running.  Can I go cry in the corner now?  Maybe I should give in to my craving tonight and get a Jamba Juice.

To those who visit me, sorry for the long silence.  The last half of December and first part of January have been a crazy time for our family.  I have started my myriads of doctor’s appointments and weekly IVIG visits to the hospital.  Also, my hubby is making a career change and that has been some chaos.  Then we had a snow storm, no internet for a couple weeks, now our laptop has decided to stop working (I had an update post for this blog on it too!! ggrrr).  Can’t a girl get a break?  With Kevin working from home now, that only leaves us one desktop computer.  It got pretty boring this week for treatment (9 hours with a book and t.v whahoo.)!!  Hopefully mr. laptop will be fixed soon and my online world will be reconnected (it has been some serious withdrawals!).  Thanks to all you who come by and visit.  I promise I will begin posting with regularity again.

We have gone a few weeks without internet then life has gotten chaotic and busy.  Here’s a catch up….

During our snow storm right before Christmas, we got stuck at Kevin’s folks.  It was nice because they live on a dead end, have a small hill to sled down, and a yard to make snowmen.  We enjoyed being stuck there more than at home because of that.  We had a foot and half of snow!!  It was crazy!  By the fifth day, it was time to leave so we braved the icy roads (with chains) and headed for home.  The ice ruts were deep.  We couldn’t believe how long it took us to get home.  The storm turned our 2 week winter break into 3 weeks.  Getting stuck in Carlton I think was the only thing that saved me with Chandlur.  He is a busy guy and constantly wants to go places.  Our extreme extrovert!  For Christmas he got a DS (my mom got it, a carrying case, and quite a few games from the lost and found at her work!  How awesome is that?  He has been asking the last 2 Christmases for one.) from my folks which kept him occupied for the last week he was home.

That last week was pretty boring and quiet.  I had no internet and began rearranging/cleaning our home.  It amazes me how much we don’t have and yet we are always giving to the Goodwill.  We turned our toy room into an office and moved all the toys, rearranged our living room and kitchen, cleaned out all of the closets, and went through all of our baby stuff.  We are close to completing this mission and boy does it feel good!

Kevin is now near the end of completing a career change.  He will now be working from home.  It has been a chaotic time getting it all figured out and dealing with the logistics.  I think though he will be much more successful then he was able to be at Farmers.  We are both really excited for this new venture.  I think I may be involved as well.  I really feel God calling me to get the licenses I need and work alongside him at least part time.  Also, if something were to happen to him, I can take over his business.

Now, to the other little bean who is growing.  I started my weekly IVIG treatment last week.  My orders got mixed up and I ended up in a different place than normal.  I had a horrid reaction to the procedure and was miserable the next 3 days.  They didn’t give me any fluids with it, I was sitting instead of lying, and they turned it up dosage really fast.  I became severely dehydrated and had pain on the side the IV was in.  It was horrid agony for those few days!  Today was my second treatment.  I am back up in maternity and even have the same nurse I had last time.  I love her!!  Hopefully this weekend will treat me better than last weekend!  This has been part of our crazy few weeks.  I see 2 doctors so I have had my normal appointment as well as a couple with the perinatologist, and my usual ultrasound.

Drum roll please…….it’s a girl!  Kevin and I had a sense it was.  Even the kids always refer to the baby as a she.  Going through all the baby clothes makes me excited cuz Cozette has some adorable clothes.  I have 2 Care Bear suits which I am so jazzed about being used againJ.  As far as a name, that may be a little while longer.  There is a name Cozette is stuck on so we shall see.

I know I haven’t written in awhile.  This little one in my belly is causing a  severe case of lethargy and a mild case of nausea.  The dishes don’t get done every day as they usually do, the laundry has been known to sit on the couch an extra day before being folded, and the kids have been loving chicken nuggets.  Thank goodness they like veggies and salad!

Life has been humming along.  As of last week I have begun my many doctor visits.  I had my normal ob visit and my first with the perinatalogist.  We talked about what the protocol will be for my treatment.  He said somethings have changed in the last 3 1/2 years.  I will probably only have to have one cordosyntesis at 32 weeks instead of one also around 20-24 weeks.  That brought a smile to my face because that procedure freaks me out.  I knew NAIT was rare, however I don’t think it really sank in.  He told me he has treated 6 women with this in the last 20 years, and 3 of those were while he was at university!  He is supposed to be a specialist too!  It hit me how rare this really is.  I was reading some material from a yahoo group I am a part of.  Not until the mid/late 80’s was there much successful work done on this condition.  Reading the reports was very sobering.  I didn’t realize how new this treatment and recognition of NAIT is.  Just one generation back and I would only have one child with my other kids dying soon after birth.  I couldn’t imagine my life without a house full of kids.

On a lighter note, I will be having “the” ultrasound on January 7th along with the usual appointment.  I have to go back on the 8th for my visit with the perinatologist.  We are going to nail down the exact protocol.  We are pretty sure what it will be but he wants to check the medical journals so he has the most updated info.  Also I started feeling a little bean movement at the end of week 16 (about a week and half ago)!

I had my first appointment yesterday. The nanny’s son was sick so we took the whole gang. It always starts with her feeling me up. Thankfully no pap since I had one last May. She was feeling the baby and making sure the date of my last period was right. I was relieved to know I’m not crazy for not fitting in my clothes already at about 13 weeks. She thought I felt bigger than I should for being this far along. Of course Kevin had to joke about twins again. Since I have been so sick and am already to big for my clothes, we have been joking about twins. While she was getting the ultrasound machine set up, she was thinking twins too. She only saw one baby (whew) and it was measuring about right. Although, Kevin is convinced there is a twin hiding behind the baby. We will get a better view next week. She said maybe I am just carrying really high. I have a full on ultrasound next Friday to check the size/gestation of the baby. The baby has a nice robust heartbeat (another whew). I am kinda glad the kids were there. I didn’t think they would be as excited as they were. The kids thought it was super cool to see the baby on the machine. Chandlur even wanted a picture to take to school today. My doctor printed an extra one for him to take (and that’s why I love her so much!). We were asking them on the way home what they thought the baby was and they all said a sister. I think it’s a girl too. Last week Kevin said he thought it was a girl too. We will find out the end of December if we have another sister or brother (just as long as she isn’t as tough as Cozette’s first year!).

Chandlur came home today and said “I showed my teacher the picture of your beautiful baby, mommy.” Aaawww enough to melt your heart:)

It’s funny how life is so cyclical.  For awhile, I get bored, then I am busy busy.  We are going into the busy season again.  It is beginning to hit me, the commitment in life I have made.

I am determined to have my own identity.  I am beginning my journey of a birth doula, a postpartum doula, and a breastfeeding counselor.  My writing career is beginning to go somewhere.  I am a contributing editor for Posh Mama and have my first review up at Hip Mama’s Place.  This along with my blogs and marketing myself on this big ‘ol wide web.  I also have a passion for teens because of the crap I went through.  I am about to become very involved in this way.  I also am going to be working part time for Kevin as his sexcratary (how cool I get to sleep with the boss!) which means right now we are looking for childcare.

It is beginning to hit me the commitment Kevin has made to be a successful insurance agent.  We have huge dreams and goals.  He is the man of the house and feels he needs to provide for those.  It is amazing to see how he has gone from barely getting by and watching many of his fellow agents leave and find “real” jobs to receiving a nice bonus because of his hard work.  The past almost month he has worked 10-12 hours a day.  It has been tough for me managing everything without much of his help.  It is an internal struggle because I know this is what he must do to get where he wants to be.  At the same time, I’m puking out my brains and making corn dogs or pancakes for dinner (so happy they like salad and raw veggies!).

It seems the kids require more time and energy the older they are getting.  I work with Cozette and Chandlur almost every evening learning to write their name, letters/sounds, and math/counting.  My goal for Cozette is to have her reading by the time she hits kindergarten next year (she is just about to start sounding out words).  Unfortunately we are pretty sure Chandlur has some kind of learning disability which makes Cozette a little bit ahead of him.  He is amazing me with letter recognition and sounds, however, he seems to struggle putting it all together.  He still cannot write his name (the letters are jumbled and many times backwards) which is frustrating for me trying to teach him.  He says he is trying his best.  Yesterday he said his teacher told him he wasn’t the best writer and he told her he was trying his best.  I am starting to see the beginnings of shame and negative self talk.  We have conferences in a few days so hopefully we can have him tested through the school.  The place we want to take him won’t test until they are 7.  I don’t think I can wait another year and half.  It just breaks my heart!  Then we are looking for childcare for Cozette and Vahn so I can work for Kevin in the mornings.  I am also going to start taking them to story time at the library once a week.  Both of them are book lovers just like mama.  It is soo cute listening to them try to read books.  We are also finalizing our insurance stuff which has been a task in and of itself.  It also reminds me of the time and effort my pregnancy is going to take because of NAIT.

I am starting to get that feeling that there is stuff to do and things keep getting pushed to the next day because I don’t have the energy to finish all that is on my list for the day.  I am beginning to see how busy our lives are going to become as my business grows and our kids start participating more in sports and school activities.  I have times where I ask myself “What did I get myself into?”.  At the same time, I have never been one people call lazy.  It is impossible for me to sit still (don’t they say fidgety people are less fat than their counterparts?  I can only imagine how much more fat I would be!) which drives my hubby nuts.  People think I am crazy for all I take on, I call myself driven.

Last Thursday was one of those days you want to crawl back in bed, pull the covers to your nose, and wait until midnight strikes for a new day.  I found myself bawling over a bathroom floor covered in toilet water.  See, my son Vahn is a mischievous one and always is interested in how things work and cause and affect (is that a correct sentence?  there are too many and’s I think. oh well.).  Sometimes its hilarious and sometimes, well, not so much.  I thought he was going potty, however taking a little too long.  I yelled at him to get out of the bathroom (many times he plays at the sink with stuff).  I then hear water running, like the sound of the bathtub being turned on.  I yell at him to turn off the water and proceed to the bathroom for a chat about not fooling around in the bathroom (again).  I get to the bathroom and he is nekkid and trying to gingerly walk through the water so as not to slip.  It had already started flowing out of the bathroom.  I quickly went and turned the water off, then got a couple towels to stop it from coming out any further.  In my low, scary, mommy only uses it when she is about to blow up voice, I told him to go upstairs.  I didn’t trust myself to be around him.  I was already on the brink of overwhelmed due to some stuff I told my hubby I would help him do (that’s what you get for trying to be a good wife).  After the towel was put down, I sat in the doorway of the bathroom and bawled, and bawled, and bawled some more.  I resolved to scrape this stuff back on my hubby’s plate.  It has just become lead in my pocket.  I think because my heart really isn’t into it, and it seems to be just one more thing to commit to.  Anyways, after I wiped my slobbering mess, I had to clean the bathroom and do a couple loads of laundry of clothes (there was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor now wet with toilet water), rugs, and towels.  Apparently this sweet son of mine, piece by piece, placed a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flushed.  Aaahh the joys of a curious little boy.

I love God’s sense of humor sometimes.  My hubby had just got paid for the month and wanted to do something nice for me.  I talked to him and cried my whoas later in the day.  He told me he had some extra stuff for me to do the next day after my appointment.  I sighed, more crap to do.  He said I would like it.  He came home that night with an appointment to get a mani/pedi (it doesn’t matter how busy a place is, they always remember me because he is the one who makes me appointments, and I think I have found my favorite place) and a gift card for my favorite little coffee shop.

On friday, I went to my appointment, bought a book, went to Ava Roaseria’s for lunch and coffee, then went to get my nails all prettied up.

Whenever I get really frustrated with Kevin, it seems he does something which then makes me feel like a shmuck.  The funny thing is, I don’t tell him I am frustrated and he has no clue.  He will just show up with something nice like flowers or a gift card for coffee.

It never ceases to amaze me how much my kids love each other.  My favorite sound is hearing them make each other laugh.  They are incredibly close and don’t cross them.  It’s funny when one gets in trouble because the others will tell us to leave them alone.  To all you who will know them in school, my advice, don’t mess with any of my kids.  I have one who will get you underhanded and when you least expect it, Cozette.  I have one who will fight you in a heart beat if it means standing up for his family, Chandlur.  I have one who will make a big joke of it and embarrass you, we call him Vahn.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you, future classmates.

After snack time, the kids  starting playing together.  Cozette looks at Chandlur “We missed you today,” then turning to Vahn “right?”.  Now they are making each other histarical over this box Kevin turned into a train.  I know i have some pretty amazing kiddos:)