My kids think Crystal Light (of which they have just been poured) is juice and Quaker granola bars are candy bars. I get teased at how healthy we are here…i have never bought Caprisuns or Sunny Delight. Cany happens during holidays (and Halloween, some of which we still are consuming), bribes to potty train, and treasure hunts. When the kids get hungry between meals and snacks, they grab some carrots. Red, yellow, and orange peppers are some of their favorite foods and don’t blink at eating broccoli. We think our youngest is going to be a tree hugging, animal loving, vegatarian because the only meat he eats 100% is fish, chicken once in awhile, and for the times we do have cows for dinner he won’t eat any of it. The part that makes me laugh the most, they love black coffee and coffee beans. When i make my daily coffee (decaf of course), many times they ask for a bean and volunteer to take my cup to the counter to drink the drops in the bottom.
Now, if only i can convince my hubby not to love me with food…..i joke he keeps me fat so no one else will want me:) My weight has been a lifetime struggle. i was always the chubby kid even though i ate less (mom was our portion control) than my 4 other siblings, we didn’t have video games, nor were we allowed to watch much boob tube. In my teen years i ate much less than my counter parts and yet, was still always the chubby friend. All the walking to/from school and to my job, you would think i’d be a toothpick. In my early twenties i hunkered down, ate perfectly and worked out 1-2 hours 6 days a week. I was almost down to my goal, and guess what? The stick had 2 pink lines. i gained 40 pounds with my first and haven’t been able to shake it (Starbuck’s java chip ice cream babe!) i didn’t seem to gain much of anything (10lbs then 15lbs) with the other two. However, after i had them i did. After my third i was up to 208 (my heaviest). Keep in mind, i am only 5′2. Thankfully i am a solid girls and my muscle mass is much higher than the ‘average’ gal. i am now back down to 180 which was my weight after my first baby. It is much harder now, than it was back then to shed this fat. Having 3 kids back to back and the fact i am quickly encroaching the big 3-0 (althought thankfully my ‘real age’ is 25.4 according to RealAge.com and that’s about how old i feel. i mean, 30! REALLY??!!) had begun to show.
Lately i have come to peace with my fat. i have a wonderful man who really doesn’t care as long as i don’t make it an issue. i am very healthy, eating good foods, running, walking, and lifting my weights. i have changed my focus from just getting rid of my fat, to just being healthy. As long as i have healthy habits, that’s all that matters, right? i find peace in the fact i can run a mile of some serious hills without stopping, and the fact i can carry an 80lb hurt child hundreds of yards across the playground to her house without getting winded.
i am strong in spirit and health. i have 3 miracle children whom i adore. i am passing down great healthy habits to the next generation. If my body isn’t what society says is perfect, that’s ok because i am perfectly happy.
i start each pregnancy already with a fear of NAIT (our Cozette is a miracle). Now all other pregnancies are going to be clouded by the fear of a miscarriage as well. Now talking to other women about miscarrying, i keep hearing “I never thought it would effect me in this way”. i share the same sentiment. i thought i could just move past it without much thought. It’s amazing the attachment a mother has to her baby even when it is simply a mass of cells. i feel very fortunante to have an amazing man by my side who was my rock and carried me through. i had a D & C (my doctor calls it a dusting and cleaning) and a few days later found myself in the ER. Through the whole time, i cried to God that one word question “Why??”. Wasn’t me having to deal with NAIT enough??
This is what i was taught. After all isn’t life a series of lessons to make ourselves better people thus helping others to be better people too?
1. At one point i had a good 10 women surrounding me praying for me. They were there because they loved me, not because of what i contribute or do, BUT because of who i am! That was huge for me!
2. i am about to venture into the career of a Doula and now have a new calling/mission to accompany that career. Not to mention the burn to begin school is much hotter than before.
3. i have a new respect and love for my hubby.
Peace came when i saw this picture. Kevin’s grandma died 2 years ago and she was on amazing woman! The kind you want to be like when you grow up. i saw this little toe head toddler about 2 or 3 from behind. He was running out of a bright white light. Grandma Bev reached out her hands to pick him up. He ran into her arms, she kissed his head, and spun him around. They were both giggling. This is what i wrote on my Myspace page: May 20th 2008 My baby’s birth was written in the Book of Life but right before that, God whispered and said, “I have greater plans for your mommy, and your great grandma has been asking about you. You are so special that I still need you near Me little one.” After that, i felt he needed a name, i have named him Lincoln. When i get to Heaven i will be able to giggle and swing Lincoln around too.
sooo my Chan Chan's birthday was yesterday. i couldn't help but reflect on
where i have come in these last 5 years. it is incredible!!
Because of God's good grace, i wasn't a single mom for long and He gave me
the most amazing man (some days i wonder if i deserve him). This amazing
man will officially have adopted Chandlur this year.
i have finally been able to face the rotting skeletons in my closet thanks
to my therapist Glenda. i have been able to heal and burn them.
i have been blessed with 2 more amazing children, one of which according to
doctors shouldn't even been on this earth.
i get to live my dream of being a sahm and having my own business.
some amazing friends have entered my life and i know will never be let go.
i finally have some amazing female mentors who i wanna be like when i grow
up.
To those of you who encouraged and hugged me when i was a scared, sad
pregnant person……to those of you who have shared in my up and cried with
me through my downs……no words could ever say how much i appreciate you.
we may be poor right now, but i am happier than i could ever have dreamed
and know this year brings excited change and new beginnings.
i am one blessed woman!!!!
i ran the Valentine 5k this morning. it didn't go as well as i was hoping. i have an icky cold and my nose is partially plugged. i almost didn't go but knew i'd be even more pissed at myself. it was tough cuz i'm a nose breather and i was having to mouth breath some to get enough air. because my body was confused, i didn't get enough air, and thus now have a nasty headache. allooong with feeling like my head is gonna explode. anyways, all in all, my time was better than i thought….38:27(only 28 seconds slower than last month). i had to walk about 1/3 of it cuz of the whole breathing thing and my legs were tired. i even didn't do anything yesterday for 'fresh' legs. next one will be much better cuz i won't be sick (positive thinking) and oviously my pace has improved.
i guess this is what sets apart winners and loosers. us winners do the dirty work even when we wanna give up, roll over and go back to sleep. tho the race didn't go as well as i wanted, i'm proud of myself for doing it. i didn't give up and for that i am happy.
a new myspace friend was asking about my busy life. i was typing it out and geeesh it made me tired just reading it. i can't believe this is actually my life! i had to share hehe.
sooo u wanna hear about my busy life huh?? hehe welp, my hubby right now has 2 jobs. he works nights 3-4 days a week to pay the bills while getting his insurance business going. hopefully by the end of the year or maybe even the fall, he will only have his insurance career. we can't wait for him to have a regular nine to five and only one job! we have the 3 little ones who are keeping us busy with appoitments, school, activities and such. also i watch a handful of kiddos here at home(i am taking classes to become certified) so we can save up money and buy a house in the next couple years…on top of all of that, i am running, church stuff, date nights, having time by myself or with other girlfriends. WOW! typing all of that makes me tired hehe. i usually take it just one day at a time and we plan our weeks on Sunday. tho life is crazy, i am the happiest i have ever been. i love my life and wouldn't trade it or go back to living by myself (tho i loooved it).
it totally sux being a SAHM and being sick. yesterday i was puking and pooping my guts out. too much movement and i had to go the bathroom. the problem was i wasn't ever sure what end it was gonna come outta of (sorry, TMI). thankfully Kevin was able to help lots yesterday and Paxton's (one of the boys i care for) mama, Jen stayed for a little while and helped with dinner. man it was rough tho! today i'm not 100% but better and all on my own.
since i have started watching kids, i keep getting sick. hopefully soon i will build up that resistance and knock it off. it totally sux with snott noses and coughing, knowing it will be mine soon.
ok…i think i'm done bitchin' now
the night before Valentine’s Day Kevin and i went out for a really nice dinner at Shenanigans. he even chose the restuarant and made reservations. i think it was the first time we got snazzied up and went for a super nice dinner. it was a great time and we hardly even chatted about the kiddos. the atmosphere was so relaxing and quiet, i actually left feeling relaxed!
anyways, when we came home we checked the mail. i got a letter from the hospital. i thought it was some bill for something. i open it to discover it’s a check for almost $250!!! it was an over payment from when i was getting treatment while preggo with Vahn. i thought i paid more than i originally thought but then thought since the treatment was so spendy, they wanted me to pay a wee bit( 250 was a wee bit compared to a total of about 150,000). yea for outta the blue money!!
weeeelllll, the next day Kevin checked the mail. we got a letter from our car financing company. we are in the process of refinancing and changing companies. i was joking about it being another check for $300……as i opened it, i started laughing so hard i about peed my pants. it was a check for about 300 for an overpayment! at first Kevin thought i was joking, then i showed it to him. he thought i knew it was a check for 300 before i even made my comment! sometimes God’s sense of humor just has to crack me up
ooOOoo the dilemas of life! u love your family at the same time u wanna shake 'em (hard). a few family memebers need to learn they needn't judge anyone cuz when u point a finger, u have 3 pointing right back at u. they are my family so i have to love them right? there isn't anything i can do to please them. i will never be good enough or even on the same level as them. if u know me at all, u know i have been thru so much crap in my life because of them. so why the hell do they think they can judge me?? it doesn't affect how i view myself or my life. it just really pisses me off that the people who are supposed to love u and always be there for u, are complete asses to u and they are the ones who have totally screwed up in life. i know i live in low income housing (tho its brand new and absolutely beautiful here), we only have one car (a new, safe minivan), we only have one small tv (not high def and all that other jazz out there), we don't wear designer names (nor do we care), BUUUTTT if i had to live this way for the rest of my life, i would be more than happy. i have the most amazing life!! i get to stay home and raise my kids, who by the way are incredibly amazing. i have a hubby who loves me like no one else my entire life ever has and is constantly showing me his love. i get to afford a few small luxuries, live in a healthy body and provide healthy food for my fam and i. i have the most amazing relationship with God like never before. i am involved in a church that love us to pieces….i could go on an on, however, u get the point. i love my life and wouldn't trade it!! why can't they take their eyes off of themselves and see the person they screwed up turned out ok. i've been thru lots of pain, lots of tears (still), and lots of confusion and somehow came out the other side pretty “normal”.
now that i've ranted on and on….. i am torn. they are still a part of my life and i feel guilty taking them away from my kids. they need to know their extended family (unlike how i hardly know mine tho my brother seems to think i am avoiding my grandma. when really the kids get a box of stuff when they are born and that is all. i have sent pics and such with never a word back. this year, for the first time in 10 years, i got a Christmas card from them. granted a week after Christmas. but hey, it's the thought that counts???? and apparently i'm the bad guy) so what do i do? part of me just wants to say screw u and go on with my life without them. the other part of me feels guilty for denying my kids. also there is this piece of me (its mean i know, but seriously some people should know we aren't perfect like they think) that wants to release the family secrets to people close to our family who have no idea. this tho would cause a huge explosion and of course it would be my fault (another thing my fault, yet again). why do families have to be so complicated? i'm sure within the next few weeks what to do will become clear. i am sooo fed up with this crap! “should i stay or should i go now? if i stay there will be trouble, if i go there will be double.” i think that line pretty much sums it up……
as many of you know i decided to begin the new year with a bang. amidst over 950 others, counting down to midnight, then bang! we are off, tripping over each other yelling and screaming bringing in 2007. i was really nervous about my goal of running the whole way and being under 45 minutes. i made it in 37:59. i even ran the whole way! i did so much better than i thought i would. it was hard at first(having to remind myself constantly to keep pace) because many were passing me, buutt halfway through i started passing people. there was a woman who looked to be about my age. they whole time she would run, get ahead of me, then walk and fall back, then run and get ahead and so on. near the end she caught up to me and said she wanted to finish with me. i inspired her because i ran the whole way. how incredible is that?! what a way to start a new year! this last year was the best year i have ever had. i have done TONS of groundwork to live a joyful and full life. i am looking forward to this year to be even better than last.
here's to a new year….
Vahn has croup. thankfully it isn't bad and we have been using Chan's nebulizer with water. anyways, he wasn't sleeping well so I brought him into bed with me early in the morning. I got up and left him sleeping. a few minutes later we hear him upstairs laughing and talking to himself. it was really cute. then, when I got out of the shower, he was carrying around his blankie. he must have crawled on our bed and gotten it. that is the first time he has really shown any attachment to it. my sweet boy!
