February 7th, Book of Awakening
After reading this entry, I was struck. I literally could not move because my mind was paralyzed in thought. The passage talks about how often one child in each family, usually the sensitive one (if you know me, you know I am a crier), is selected to carry the families sadness, what no one else in the family will deal with (if you know my story, you know how true this is). As a child I was always told to stop crying; when I got hurt, when my butt got beaten with a wooden spoon, when I was sick, the list goes on and on. A few years ago I was reading a book called The Personality Tree. I read about one of the personalities that described me to a tee. I felt liberated. I was ‘normal’! My emotions were part of who God made me and not just a sign of weakness. This entry, is another one of those realization moments.
I have a weirdness, which I don’t know how to describe well. I have a sensitivity, for a lack of a better word, to other people emotional state of being. Sometimes I can’t even stand it at the mall. I walk through and feel these different energies swirling around. I walk past someone and it’s as if I can feel their sadness, their joy. I always hesitate telling people this about me because of the odd reactions. I just tell people I am extra sensitive to others emotions. It goes above and beyond intuition. I don’t just sense it, it’s like I can feel it too. This is part of the reason large crowds and me just don’t get along well. I can get overwhelmed.
The author talks about how the one child “carries the burden of the family’s inability to feel”. This explains so much about my experiences as a child and even now as an adult.
There are times that I don’t even want to be around anyone. I go through periods where I just don’t want to be social and stay to myself. I have always assumed it’s because something is happening and I need to process it or just don’t want to open up to someone about it. I have now realized, this is not why I become so antisocial. My heart it full of emotions and because of my nature, I cannot take on anyone else’s emotions. I don’t need to process it, I just can’t handle someone else’s emotions added onto my own. Next time I feel antisocial, I just need to heal so I can be the person God created me to be, the person who feels.
Another epiphany that comforts my soul. I am not “weird”. I am ok.
Tags: book of awakening • emotion • epiphany









