I am training for a half marathon in September. Today I ran 8.5 miles. I did spectacular, but that’s not what this post is about.

At the beginning of the year, I said this was going to be MY year. I was reflecting on my life. It seems I have had made some mental shifts. I have written about some of them…..am now open to moving, letting go of a friendship gone sour, laying off of Kevin, living a more natural life, thinking I am able to run distance. I know there are more, however they aren’t coming to the front of my brain yet. I feel much more open to what life has for me. My business is taking me down some exciting roads I had no idea. Some relationships have grown stronger. I have finally found a mentor that I have been praying for for quite some time.

Now, if only I can master balance, life would be perfect.

I have always said it would take A LOT (just about impossible) to get me to move away from this amazing state. I truly love it here. Even a few months ago, I was adamantly opposed to moving anywhere when Kevin brought up the idea of moving for a new position within his company. A couple months ago I was entertaining the thought of all of us moving to Japan for a couple years. Today Kevin came home and said there are some positions opening soon in New York for those with financial/insurance background. I had came back from a run and wanted to shower. In the shower I was pondering this change of heart. I would be happy to move to the east coast. When did it change? Why did it change? As I was envisioning recreating my life and my business in a different state, I felt God tap on my shoulder. He gave me this picture. He is rubbing his hands together with an ear to ear smile on his face. He is saying “This is going to be delicious!!”. Last week in Bible study we were talking about a time when God was preparing you beforehand for a decision that needed to be made quickly. Is this God preparing me, or a release of attachment?

I have grown to love yoga.  What amazes me even more is that almost always I am sore the next day.  My favorite yoga teacher reads a passage from The Book of Awakening just about every session.  Sometimes it speaks to me, sometimes it is just a nice reading.  Today it spoke.  Tonight is was about really feeling.  We spend so much time covering ourselves up.  There was a line that said something to the effect under every anger is a hurt.  I almost cried.  A light bulb went off.  I keep getting angry at Kevin because I sacrificed so much for the last 6 years so he could try to start different businesses.  Now it should be my turn.  Unfortunately I haven’t gotten that same sacrifice.  He struggles to do the small things I ask.  A stay at home mom is the equivalent to 2 full time jobs in and of itself!  I have made my health a priority and have been working out at least an hour 5-6 days a week.  To top it all off, I have finally gotten the courage to start my business, Organic Baby Birth Services.  I have been putting A LOT of time and energy in schooling/learning and all the stuff that comes with starting a new business.  I have been working my ass off!  While I am proud of where I am physically and with my business, mentally I struggle.  Anger seeps in, some days exhaustion threatens to take over.  I sacrificed so much for Kevin, why can’t he sacrifice for me? He has started talking about going to school to finish getting his degree.  I keep asking him, when is it going to be MY turn?  Why am I the one who has to remember everything with the kids?  Why am I the one who has to constantly clean the house (have you ever tried to keep up with an adventurous, inquisitive 1 year old?)?  I keep asking for what I need and for whatever reason, it doesn’t happen.  I could go on.  I struggle very much with keeping bitterness at bay, enjoying the moment, trying to let go.  Some days are better than others.  Tonight I realized why I get so worked up over this subject of sacrificing.  I haven’t ever had anyone really fight for me.  There was a time where I was fighting just to live and almost lost that battle.  Even at that point, no one fought for me, no one.  I have never had anyone really go to battle for/with me.  I have been forced to be quite a lone ranger with brings its own issues with it.  I am angry because I am hurt.  I am hurt because I had hoped when I got married that finally I would have someone to fight with/for me.  I guess it comes down to expectations.  This reenforces my quest I have been on the past couple weeks, how can I give to myself that which I hoped to get from someone else.  Its like I can now move on to that step because I understand where the feelings come from.

I am an adventerous person.  I am also a control freak and planner by nature.  I know there are moments in my life where these two areas run parallel when they should intersect.  In the quest of my developing passions, adventure abounds.  I am eager to go out foraging for herbs, I am figuring out things to make, I have become passionate about placentas, I could go on and on in this new herbalism, placenta, doula world I have entered into.  I have truly found where I fit in so many ways.  I have no problem letting go and enjoying the ride.  My personal life however, my new mantra is “let go”.  My house is a mess because no one else will clean and I want to work on my business.  I have to let go that with 4 small kids, my house will never be perfectly clean, just good enough.  When my husband has said he was going to do something and it doesn’t get done….AGAIN.  I must let go and get over it so I don’t go crazy.  When I feel like I have forgotten something else, I have to let go and be ok with the fact I have millions of things going on and trivial stuff forgotten now and again is ok.  When that mantra of “let go” creeps up, I have begun to ask myself how I can give to myself that which others aren’t.  What do I need to do to not have to worry about this or that and focus on what makes me alive and happy.  Short of having a personal assistant to remember every little thing and a robot to keep my house clean (where is Rosie when you need her?), I am still on the quest.  At this moment, reminding myself to let go has to be good enough.  I trust that if I continue putting the thoughts of giving to myself what I need instead of outside forces/people, the answers will come.  They always do.

I just finished reading Genesis 21 and 22.  I was only going to read my one chapter for the day but God kept prodding my heart to continue.

Our sweet Chandlur has some issues we are in the process of seeking help for.  He has some serious developmental delays which makes school a tough time and home life chaotic at times.  Thankfully we have some resources we are finally able to seek out for him.  Even as I type this I have to stop and wipe my tears.  This whole subject is very emotional for me.  I know I am not to blame at all, however, as a mother, I do.  This is the only area of my life I play the what if game.  What if my life during pregnancy wasn’t so stressful?  What if I didn’t go back to that abusive relationship?  What if my parents had been more supportive?  What if he didn’t have to have the vacuum during birth?  What if….What if….What if….I am his protector, how can I not blame myself?

When I was pregnant with him, God spoke to my heart.  This little guy is going to accomplish great things above and beyond me.  He is going to touch thousands of lives.  God has a very special purpose for him.  On the hard days I cling to that promise like a child clings to their favorite blankey when they are scared.  Prayer is the thumb I suck.  I love that kid so much it hurts sometimes.  I see him struggle and it hurts my heart so much.  It kills me to say I can’t handle it anymore.  As a mom I am supposed to be able to take of my kids and provide for them.  I just can’t give him what he needs anymore.  It kills me to say I need serious professional help for him now.

Genesis 21:1 — God’s promises are always true.  I cling to this aspect of His character so much and in so many different parts of my life.  Verse 2 — God has perfect timing.  He has it all under control.  He knows the big picture and I must trust in that.  Verses 15-21 — God takes our mistakes and bad choices and redeems them.  They turn into these magnificent pieces of God’s character.  Chandlur redeemed me in so many ways.

I was about to close my Bible and notebook when the prodding to keep going wouldn’t go away.  Genesis 22 is about Abraham taking Isaac out to sacrifice him.  God wanted to see how much Abraham trusted him.  I need to give up Chandlur and place him wholly in God’s arms.  I am being required to trust God like never before.  It has been really stressful lately because Chandlur’s issues are becoming worse and more defined.  How do u discipline a 6 year who forgot 2 minutes ago you told him not to do something?  It’s like he is an infant and you are having to lovingly say no and remove them or the object.  You think he should know these things, but his brain doesn’t work that way.  I need to give up complete control of him and trust God’s promises are true.  He will heal Chandlur and Chandlur will go on to touch many.  I need to rest in the fact, it is all how it should be.  God is in control.  I need to do the best I can and God will take care of the rest.  There is a reason God chose me to be his mommy.

God, I release Chandlur wholeheartedly into Your hands.  I know You have promised great and mighty things through him.  Keep guiding me to the right tools to help him get there.  When I can’t go on or feel like bursting into tears, grant me Your amazing strength.  Thank you that Your grace is sufficient and Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank you that You speak in the right moment and restore our hope.

God has yet again put me in my place.  I was reading this morning about the tower of Babel in Genesis 11.  Verse 6 talks about God putting a stop to it because if they finished it, they would think they could do anything.  At first I was confused.  God is supposed to want us to succeed, right?  This isn’t the God I know.  Then upon some reflection and nudging from God, I got it.  He was saving them from further heartache.  If they succeeded in building this, it would have been a longer road coming back to God because they would have felt they could do anything.  We need God plain and simple.  I need God.  The harder I try to do things on my own, the more difficult and frustrating it becomes.

You know those times when people say God doesn’t answer prayer.  This morning I can tell you for a fact He does.  I prayed that He would remind me when I’m being independent instead of dependent on Him.  A few heart beats later He just slapped me upside the head and said “DUH!”.  See, lately I have been feeling distant from God.  I have been reading my Bible most mornings and praying throughout the day.  All the usual things I do.  There has just been a disconnect for some reason.  I thought it was something else, as a matter of fact I was almost convinced it was.  I have started my doula business.  I so desperately want it to take off for selfish and unselfish reasons.  There has been so much to accomplish and I have felt like I am battling uphill.  It is because I have been (now the tears are coming).  Instead of being dependent on God and where He wants my business to be, I have been independent and pursuing where I want it to be.  I know for a fact I will be successful in this.  God has shown me the future.  I must pray through everything and seek His will even down to the silliest little administrative detail.  I know it will go much smoother and I will need to expend less effort.  Which means more energy and time for my family.

God, I am so sorry I have been seeking my own agenda.  I know from experience, life’s successes are empty without You.  You have placed a calling on my life and I am not doing You proud.  You know how much I desire to hear those words when I get to heaven “well done good and faithful servant”.  Please restore Your rhthym in my daily life and stir up that joy that has started to tarnish.

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Last night at prayer group, God really spoke. I am currently in freak out mode over the church changing. When I am angry, worried, hurt, etc., I freak out, cry, and have crazy conversations with myself. It doesn’t last long, I collect myself and create a plan of attack. I know it’s all good and definitely in God’s plan, I just have issues with churches and christians. I thought I was over it all, however, I guess I need some more healing. Long ago, our family was kicked out of a church because of the poor choices of one of our family members. It was a horrid time for me and I was left with no one at all to turn to. I have finally found a church with pastors I can trust and people who show me what a christian is supposed to be. Now, all that is changing. I know it’s no accident for my life. Maybe this is part of the wall of needing to be filled up and chilling. I know once this freak out mode is past, all will be well again. I think in the end things will be even better then they were.

God speaks to one of the ladies in our prayer group through pictures. When I am “free” of the crap of my life (all my wounds healed), I see myself as a zebra running through the plains and the Savage Garden song “Animal Song” blaring. This is something I shared with her a few years ago when we were creating these books of who we are. Last night she saw that zebra galloping by itself. Then she saw that zebra in a herd with all the strips overlapping so you couldn’t tell one zebra from another. She isn’t sure what it means, nor am I. This is what I have to meditate on…..what is God trying to tell me? After she told me this, I said when she was praying for me, I was reminded that I usually run. I think this time God is really saying to stay and heal. This is the time. I have a support group that will be there for me. Maybe it’s time to deal with my fault line of “I don’t matter”. I believe everyone has a fault line….that one message they tell themselves even from childhood and build their lives on to over compensate for that feeling. Maybe now is the right time for me to really heal and deal. The plates have shifted, the earthquake is here, and my house of cards is tumbling down upon itself.

So much to ponder in this sleep deprived brain………….

Have you ever stopped to think how other people view your life? Not in some “I don’t care what people think of me” attitude. I’m talking about things like your house, your clothes, your kids…that kind of thing. I walked into someone’s house the other day and began to wonder how people view me and my house. Do they feel peace or chaos when they walk in the door? Do they think it’s as cluttered as I feel it is? Are they as in love with my bookshelf as I am? Does my house “go” together or does it feel like some stuff purchased at a garage sale and thrown together? I then started thinking about how my kids are, my appearance, my lifestyle and such. It always cracks me up when someone meets Chandlur then the other kids at a later time. They are always surprised at how calm the others. I guess they expect all my kids to be exuberant (good choice of words huh?) as he. I periodically look at my life to see if I’m the elusive Debbie Downer. People who are constantly negative and complaining drive me nuts (sometimes that person is myself). It’s not that I care how people view me to a certain extent (I always want to put my best foot forward of course), merely curiosity. I always enjoy getting into people’s head and viewing life through their eyes. I think it also can be good to view your life as an impartial third party. There can be great perspective. I guess that’s what therapists are for. It sure is a lot cheaper if you can do it for yourself:)

Miss Adalyn has been with us for 6 weeks now. It seems like she has always been here and yet it seems like she was just born yesterday. For the most part she is a really good baby. She loves to stare at our huge book shelf (another book lover perhaps?). The recovery is going so much better than I could have hoped for, especially since the beginning was a little touchy. After about a week or so I was back to cleaning a little. I just cannot stand a messy house! After a month I was back to my weights and walking (another 2 weeks and I will be back to running). Other than being sleep deprived and falling asleep at 7:30 some nights, I don’t have too much to complain about.

Now that my brain is beginning to get back in the game after a few months of time off, I am back to feeding my own soul. I am beginning to get that restless feeling again in my life. Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for my walk. I had to quickly leave before I burst into tears. I am starting to not like who is staring back at me. There is so much I want to do with my life and so many goals I have that I almost feel overwhelmed. I have my hands full with my family and am struggling with that age old quandary we stay at home moms have, juggling the family while finding time to pursue our own lives. I struggle with not having the support I wish I had. Some roads I feel God calling me down scare the piss out of me. On my walk tonight, I felt God saying, “You are a strong woman. You have overcome much harder things.” I know what God has for me, I just need to step out in faith. As I’m typing this, I am getting teary eyed. Perhaps fear of overcoming some huge mental roadblocks, or maybe the sadness of where I have allowed life to go. I have let someone else take that control for the first time in my life, and they have failed. I keep making excuses and new deadlines. After my walk today, I realized I can no longer be making excuses. In my life I am determined to break family cycles of poverty, emotionally absent relationships, denial, bitterness, being judgmental, and oh so many more.  I have come to realize these are my battles most have been overcome, some are always going to be on going, and one I am having a rough time getting on top of.  Whatever Kevin chooses is on him, good or bad.  The only person I can control is myself.  Therefore I must make choices to propel myself toward my goals and not worry about where he is in his life. I just don’t know how to proceed, or shall I say the first step. I know God will provide that info because I am seeking. I know that in my weakness God is strong. As always He will come through and provide me all I need to meet those goals.  My biggest prayer is for continuing courage to greet this head on and no shrink away in fear.