I just finished reading Genesis 21 and 22.  I was only going to read my one chapter for the day but God kept prodding my heart to continue.

Our sweet Chandlur has some issues we are in the process of seeking help for.  He has some serious developmental delays which makes school a tough time and home life chaotic at times.  Thankfully we have some resources we are finally able to seek out for him.  Even as I type this I have to stop and wipe my tears.  This whole subject is very emotional for me.  I know I am not to blame at all, however, as a mother, I do.  This is the only area of my life I play the what if game.  What if my life during pregnancy wasn’t so stressful?  What if I didn’t go back to that abusive relationship?  What if my parents had been more supportive?  What if he didn’t have to have the vacuum during birth?  What if….What if….What if….I am his protector, how can I not blame myself?

When I was pregnant with him, God spoke to my heart.  This little guy is going to accomplish great things above and beyond me.  He is going to touch thousands of lives.  God has a very special purpose for him.  On the hard days I cling to that promise like a child clings to their favorite blankey when they are scared.  Prayer is the thumb I suck.  I love that kid so much it hurts sometimes.  I see him struggle and it hurts my heart so much.  It kills me to say I can’t handle it anymore.  As a mom I am supposed to be able to take of my kids and provide for them.  I just can’t give him what he needs anymore.  It kills me to say I need serious professional help for him now.

Genesis 21:1 — God’s promises are always true.  I cling to this aspect of His character so much and in so many different parts of my life.  Verse 2 — God has perfect timing.  He has it all under control.  He knows the big picture and I must trust in that.  Verses 15-21 — God takes our mistakes and bad choices and redeems them.  They turn into these magnificent pieces of God’s character.  Chandlur redeemed me in so many ways.

I was about to close my Bible and notebook when the prodding to keep going wouldn’t go away.  Genesis 22 is about Abraham taking Isaac out to sacrifice him.  God wanted to see how much Abraham trusted him.  I need to give up Chandlur and place him wholly in God’s arms.  I am being required to trust God like never before.  It has been really stressful lately because Chandlur’s issues are becoming worse and more defined.  How do u discipline a 6 year who forgot 2 minutes ago you told him not to do something?  It’s like he is an infant and you are having to lovingly say no and remove them or the object.  You think he should know these things, but his brain doesn’t work that way.  I need to give up complete control of him and trust God’s promises are true.  He will heal Chandlur and Chandlur will go on to touch many.  I need to rest in the fact, it is all how it should be.  God is in control.  I need to do the best I can and God will take care of the rest.  There is a reason God chose me to be his mommy.

God, I release Chandlur wholeheartedly into Your hands.  I know You have promised great and mighty things through him.  Keep guiding me to the right tools to help him get there.  When I can’t go on or feel like bursting into tears, grant me Your amazing strength.  Thank you that Your grace is sufficient and Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank you that You speak in the right moment and restore our hope.

God has yet again put me in my place.  I was reading this morning about the tower of Babel in Genesis 11.  Verse 6 talks about God putting a stop to it because if they finished it, they would think they could do anything.  At first I was confused.  God is supposed to want us to succeed, right?  This isn’t the God I know.  Then upon some reflection and nudging from God, I got it.  He was saving them from further heartache.  If they succeeded in building this, it would have been a longer road coming back to God because they would have felt they could do anything.  We need God plain and simple.  I need God.  The harder I try to do things on my own, the more difficult and frustrating it becomes.

You know those times when people say God doesn’t answer prayer.  This morning I can tell you for a fact He does.  I prayed that He would remind me when I’m being independent instead of dependent on Him.  A few heart beats later He just slapped me upside the head and said “DUH!”.  See, lately I have been feeling distant from God.  I have been reading my Bible most mornings and praying throughout the day.  All the usual things I do.  There has just been a disconnect for some reason.  I thought it was something else, as a matter of fact I was almost convinced it was.  I have started my doula business.  I so desperately want it to take off for selfish and unselfish reasons.  There has been so much to accomplish and I have felt like I am battling uphill.  It is because I have been (now the tears are coming).  Instead of being dependent on God and where He wants my business to be, I have been independent and pursuing where I want it to be.  I know for a fact I will be successful in this.  God has shown me the future.  I must pray through everything and seek His will even down to the silliest little administrative detail.  I know it will go much smoother and I will need to expend less effort.  Which means more energy and time for my family.

God, I am so sorry I have been seeking my own agenda.  I know from experience, life’s successes are empty without You.  You have placed a calling on my life and I am not doing You proud.  You know how much I desire to hear those words when I get to heaven “well done good and faithful servant”.  Please restore Your rhthym in my daily life and stir up that joy that has started to tarnish.

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Last night at prayer group, God really spoke. I am currently in freak out mode over the church changing. When I am angry, worried, hurt, etc., I freak out, cry, and have crazy conversations with myself. It doesn’t last long, I collect myself and create a plan of attack. I know it’s all good and definitely in God’s plan, I just have issues with churches and christians. I thought I was over it all, however, I guess I need some more healing. Long ago, our family was kicked out of a church because of the poor choices of one of our family members. It was a horrid time for me and I was left with no one at all to turn to. I have finally found a church with pastors I can trust and people who show me what a christian is supposed to be. Now, all that is changing. I know it’s no accident for my life. Maybe this is part of the wall of needing to be filled up and chilling. I know once this freak out mode is past, all will be well again. I think in the end things will be even better then they were.

God speaks to one of the ladies in our prayer group through pictures. When I am “free” of the crap of my life (all my wounds healed), I see myself as a zebra running through the plains and the Savage Garden song “Animal Song” blaring. This is something I shared with her a few years ago when we were creating these books of who we are. Last night she saw that zebra galloping by itself. Then she saw that zebra in a herd with all the strips overlapping so you couldn’t tell one zebra from another. She isn’t sure what it means, nor am I. This is what I have to meditate on…..what is God trying to tell me? After she told me this, I said when she was praying for me, I was reminded that I usually run. I think this time God is really saying to stay and heal. This is the time. I have a support group that will be there for me. Maybe it’s time to deal with my fault line of “I don’t matter”. I believe everyone has a fault line….that one message they tell themselves even from childhood and build their lives on to over compensate for that feeling. Maybe now is the right time for me to really heal and deal. The plates have shifted, the earthquake is here, and my house of cards is tumbling down upon itself.

So much to ponder in this sleep deprived brain………….

Have you ever stopped to think how other people view your life? Not in some “I don’t care what people think of me” attitude. I’m talking about things like your house, your clothes, your kids…that kind of thing. I walked into someone’s house the other day and began to wonder how people view me and my house. Do they feel peace or chaos when they walk in the door? Do they think it’s as cluttered as I feel it is? Are they as in love with my bookshelf as I am? Does my house “go” together or does it feel like some stuff purchased at a garage sale and thrown together? I then started thinking about how my kids are, my appearance, my lifestyle and such. It always cracks me up when someone meets Chandlur then the other kids at a later time. They are always surprised at how calm the others. I guess they expect all my kids to be exuberant (good choice of words huh?) as he. I periodically look at my life to see if I’m the elusive Debbie Downer. People who are constantly negative and complaining drive me nuts (sometimes that person is myself). It’s not that I care how people view me to a certain extent (I always want to put my best foot forward of course), merely curiosity. I always enjoy getting into people’s head and viewing life through their eyes. I think it also can be good to view your life as an impartial third party. There can be great perspective. I guess that’s what therapists are for. It sure is a lot cheaper if you can do it for yourself:)

Miss Adalyn has been with us for 6 weeks now. It seems like she has always been here and yet it seems like she was just born yesterday. For the most part she is a really good baby. She loves to stare at our huge book shelf (another book lover perhaps?). The recovery is going so much better than I could have hoped for, especially since the beginning was a little touchy. After about a week or so I was back to cleaning a little. I just cannot stand a messy house! After a month I was back to my weights and walking (another 2 weeks and I will be back to running). Other than being sleep deprived and falling asleep at 7:30 some nights, I don’t have too much to complain about.

Now that my brain is beginning to get back in the game after a few months of time off, I am back to feeding my own soul. I am beginning to get that restless feeling again in my life. Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for my walk. I had to quickly leave before I burst into tears. I am starting to not like who is staring back at me. There is so much I want to do with my life and so many goals I have that I almost feel overwhelmed. I have my hands full with my family and am struggling with that age old quandary we stay at home moms have, juggling the family while finding time to pursue our own lives. I struggle with not having the support I wish I had. Some roads I feel God calling me down scare the piss out of me. On my walk tonight, I felt God saying, “You are a strong woman. You have overcome much harder things.” I know what God has for me, I just need to step out in faith. As I’m typing this, I am getting teary eyed. Perhaps fear of overcoming some huge mental roadblocks, or maybe the sadness of where I have allowed life to go. I have let someone else take that control for the first time in my life, and they have failed. I keep making excuses and new deadlines. After my walk today, I realized I can no longer be making excuses. In my life I am determined to break family cycles of poverty, emotionally absent relationships, denial, bitterness, being judgmental, and oh so many more.  I have come to realize these are my battles most have been overcome, some are always going to be on going, and one I am having a rough time getting on top of.  Whatever Kevin chooses is on him, good or bad.  The only person I can control is myself.  Therefore I must make choices to propel myself toward my goals and not worry about where he is in his life. I just don’t know how to proceed, or shall I say the first step. I know God will provide that info because I am seeking. I know that in my weakness God is strong. As always He will come through and provide me all I need to meet those goals.  My biggest prayer is for continuing courage to greet this head on and no shrink away in fear.

It never ceases to amaze me how God provides.  So Kevin has changed careers which has sent our finances into a tizzy, and him working at home which means I know exactly what he does.  About a month ago God and I had a conversation.  I really needed to give control.  I walked away with the mantra ‘increase my faith’.  This was faith in God as well as faith in Kevin to provide for us.  Two weeks ago at prayer group I opened up about this and my need for a clean house.  When I get obsessive over having a clean house, I know it’s a symptom of the feeling my world is out of control.  After that, it seemed something broke in me.  A peace started to fill my world, although I will confess, it isn’t 100% yet.

That following week financially was incredible.  Kevin took initiative and sold some stuff we had laying around unused on Craigslist.  Then we did our taxes and are getting back much much more than we thought (2 months of living expenses!).  We qualified for energy assistance and got almost all our PGE bill paid for.  To top it all off, we were able to get rental assistance.  There is this number you call at a certain time once a month and the first 40 people to leave a message receive it.  Amazingly we were one of the very lucky ones (you can imagine how many call for help each month).  I thought we would get half our rent paid and have to borrow the rest until our tax money came in.  Part of the grant is to give the person 30 days to catch up!  We should be getting our money in the next couple days to make that up.  One of those times I have to humbly get on my knees before God and apologize for not trusting Him.  He has always come through, why would I doubt now?  I am still in awe about that week!

As far as my faith in Kevin, that is a slower process.  It is coming along, just a little slower.  Since he is home I know what he is always doing (or lack thereof).  I want to be his wife and partner, not his boss reminding him to do his work.  I know this will be a process.  He learned a great lesson yesterday.  It was actually kind of funny.  I told him on the days he feels he doesn’t have ‘it’ to do more action to make yourself feel better and get out of that funk quick.  Later last night, one of those training him basically said the same thing.  It seemed to really click and I won’t lie, it felt good:)  I have been really proud of the effort he has been putting forth in this new business so far.  If he keeps up this momentum he has built over the last couple weeks, we will get very far.  I know it’s a journey for him too.

I have been feeling like such a looser lately.  My usual positive self has been taken over by a whiny, lazy woman.  I think my problem revolves around being tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple weeks and think this is at the heart of it all.  I am just so tired, sometimes it takes me awhile to find motivation to do something.  If it weren’t for discipline, my family would be eating off of dirty plates and wearing dirty clothes.  I feel bad for my poor hubby because my sense of humor has dissapated, and I haven’t been the most sweet wife.  I haven’t been mean, just not the lovey dovey that Kevin likes.  These damn hormones and lack of sleep have me in a funk.  I keep reminding myself and him it’s only a phase.  I keep promising usual self will return.  Aside from my hospital visits and myriad of doctor appoinments, this has just been a rough pregnancy on me.  I am just about 2/3 of the way there.  I have been told it would be a good idea to start taking some drugs before I have the baby so I don’t have such bad postpartum depression as I did last time.  Maybe some St John’s Wort will help?

I know I have been quiet the last couple weeks.  I am trying to get some rhythm restored in my life now that I’m working part time for Kevin and starting my doula business.

When I began this blog, I knew I would be completely honest about my life and feelings.  Last week was a very, very trying week.  Kevin was working late most nights, and I was worn out!  Wednesday he was supposed to be home around 6:30.  When 7 rolled around, I called him a few times.  I was ticked to say the least.  I keep telling him if he is going to be later than he says, send me a quick text.  He told Chandlur he would be home to help him with his homework and paint this model house his teacher had given him.  Finally at about 7:45 I got a text he was leaving.  He had told me he had an appointment at 5:30 which wouldn’t take too long.  I was so upset because the kids needed to go to bed and he wouldn’t be home in time.  He broke a promise to Chandlur, and this was the last time I was going to deal with this crap.  I keep telling him the same thing if he is going to be late and he chooses not to be respectful.  I was so incredibly upset.  After I put the kids down I was bawling.  He has no respect for me and broke a promise to Chandlur.  When I first married him, he was a different guy than he is now.  Over the past year or two, I have seen him becoming more and more like my father.  Wednesday, the flood gates opened.  I even texted him that I was about to say don’t bother coming home.  This is the first time I have ever been so upset I don’t even want him in the same house.  I see where my life is heading just as when I was younger.  It was completely overwhelming.  I told Kevin I refuse to allow our family to become like the one I was raised in.  My mom somehow accepted it, however, I told Kevin, I wouldn’t.  I can’t.  I refuse for my kids to have a judgmental, distant father and a mother who is physical and yells because she is overwhelmed and angry all the time.  Of course, he apologized like he always does.  The next day he acted like nothing happened.  I guess only time will tell if he really gets it.  I know right now I am a little guarded.  I refuse to let this become routine.

I have also been working hard on my business plan for my doula biz.  I want to make sure I set it up right to be successful.  I should hopefully be done with it this week and build the site.  I am hoping to have at least one client in December then really hit it hard in January.  It’s amazing how big this is getting.  While doing the business plan, more ideas and concepts keep coming up.  I can really see this being business with many other women and support staff.  It’s pretty exciting!  This is why I want to really want a solid plan.

Over the last month or two, I keep getting these little nuggets that keep me going.  I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.  Today I had another little thing that made me smile and pat myself on the back.  I subscribe to google alert for ideas for my blog.  Basically, you input keywords and every day or so you get a report back on sites with info on that keyword.  The spiders have finally crawled my blog! My latest entry on nursing bracelets showed up on the list!  I know it is a small thing, however, it’s one of those little carrots that keeps me positive.  I just had to share my excitement:)