It never ceases to amaze me how God provides.  So Kevin has changed careers which has sent our finances into a tizzy, and him working at home which means I know exactly what he does.  About a month ago God and I had a conversation.  I really needed to give control.  I walked away with the mantra ‘increase my faith’.  This was faith in God as well as faith in Kevin to provide for us.  Two weeks ago at prayer group I opened up about this and my need for a clean house.  When I get obsessive over having a clean house, I know it’s a symptom of the feeling my world is out of control.  After that, it seemed something broke in me.  A peace started to fill my world, although I will confess, it isn’t 100% yet.

That following week financially was incredible.  Kevin took initiative and sold some stuff we had laying around unused on Craigslist.  Then we did our taxes and are getting back much much more than we thought (2 months of living expenses!).  We qualified for energy assistance and got almost all our PGE bill paid for.  To top it all off, we were able to get rental assistance.  There is this number you call at a certain time once a month and the first 40 people to leave a message receive it.  Amazingly we were one of the very lucky ones (you can imagine how many call for help each month).  I thought we would get half our rent paid and have to borrow the rest until our tax money came in.  Part of the grant is to give the person 30 days to catch up!  We should be getting our money in the next couple days to make that up.  One of those times I have to humbly get on my knees before God and apologize for not trusting Him.  He has always come through, why would I doubt now?  I am still in awe about that week!

As far as my faith in Kevin, that is a slower process.  It is coming along, just a little slower.  Since he is home I know what he is always doing (or lack thereof).  I want to be his wife and partner, not his boss reminding him to do his work.  I know this will be a process.  He learned a great lesson yesterday.  It was actually kind of funny.  I told him on the days he feels he doesn’t have ‘it’ to do more action to make yourself feel better and get out of that funk quick.  Later last night, one of those training him basically said the same thing.  It seemed to really click and I won’t lie, it felt good:)  I have been really proud of the effort he has been putting forth in this new business so far.  If he keeps up this momentum he has built over the last couple weeks, we will get very far.  I know it’s a journey for him too.

I have been feeling like such a looser lately.  My usual positive self has been taken over by a whiny, lazy woman.  I think my problem revolves around being tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple weeks and think this is at the heart of it all.  I am just so tired, sometimes it takes me awhile to find motivation to do something.  If it weren’t for discipline, my family would be eating off of dirty plates and wearing dirty clothes.  I feel bad for my poor hubby because my sense of humor has dissapated, and I haven’t been the most sweet wife.  I haven’t been mean, just not the lovey dovey that Kevin likes.  These damn hormones and lack of sleep have me in a funk.  I keep reminding myself and him it’s only a phase.  I keep promising usual self will return.  Aside from my hospital visits and myriad of doctor appoinments, this has just been a rough pregnancy on me.  I am just about 2/3 of the way there.  I have been told it would be a good idea to start taking some drugs before I have the baby so I don’t have such bad postpartum depression as I did last time.  Maybe some St John’s Wort will help?

I know I have been quiet the last couple weeks.  I am trying to get some rhythm restored in my life now that I’m working part time for Kevin and starting my doula business.

When I began this blog, I knew I would be completely honest about my life and feelings.  Last week was a very, very trying week.  Kevin was working late most nights, and I was worn out!  Wednesday he was supposed to be home around 6:30.  When 7 rolled around, I called him a few times.  I was ticked to say the least.  I keep telling him if he is going to be later than he says, send me a quick text.  He told Chandlur he would be home to help him with his homework and paint this model house his teacher had given him.  Finally at about 7:45 I got a text he was leaving.  He had told me he had an appointment at 5:30 which wouldn’t take too long.  I was so upset because the kids needed to go to bed and he wouldn’t be home in time.  He broke a promise to Chandlur, and this was the last time I was going to deal with this crap.  I keep telling him the same thing if he is going to be late and he chooses not to be respectful.  I was so incredibly upset.  After I put the kids down I was bawling.  He has no respect for me and broke a promise to Chandlur.  When I first married him, he was a different guy than he is now.  Over the past year or two, I have seen him becoming more and more like my father.  Wednesday, the flood gates opened.  I even texted him that I was about to say don’t bother coming home.  This is the first time I have ever been so upset I don’t even want him in the same house.  I see where my life is heading just as when I was younger.  It was completely overwhelming.  I told Kevin I refuse to allow our family to become like the one I was raised in.  My mom somehow accepted it, however, I told Kevin, I wouldn’t.  I can’t.  I refuse for my kids to have a judgmental, distant father and a mother who is physical and yells because she is overwhelmed and angry all the time.  Of course, he apologized like he always does.  The next day he acted like nothing happened.  I guess only time will tell if he really gets it.  I know right now I am a little guarded.  I refuse to let this become routine.

I have also been working hard on my business plan for my doula biz.  I want to make sure I set it up right to be successful.  I should hopefully be done with it this week and build the site.  I am hoping to have at least one client in December then really hit it hard in January.  It’s amazing how big this is getting.  While doing the business plan, more ideas and concepts keep coming up.  I can really see this being business with many other women and support staff.  It’s pretty exciting!  This is why I want to really want a solid plan.

Over the last month or two, I keep getting these little nuggets that keep me going.  I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.  Today I had another little thing that made me smile and pat myself on the back.  I subscribe to google alert for ideas for my blog.  Basically, you input keywords and every day or so you get a report back on sites with info on that keyword.  The spiders have finally crawled my blog! My latest entry on nursing bracelets showed up on the list!  I know it is a small thing, however, it’s one of those little carrots that keeps me positive.  I just had to share my excitement:)

We have been doing a switch-a-roo of computers between the office and home this week.  I had to figure out how to get the wireless router to work.  Thankfully we have an old tower to plug it into!  It’s nice, now the laptop is primarily mine and I can sit on the couch again while on the computer.  The desktop is now at the office which has greatly improved my productivity at the office.  I bring in the laptop so we don’t have to share a computer anymore.  I was reminded of how nice and lazy I can be without ambition.  I got to take a nap each day and still feel like I was getting stuff non computer related done.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to not have any personal goals and dreams.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard and my brain wouldn’t be swarming with things on my to do list.  On the flip side, I think I would be pretty bored and probably depressed with the daily grind.

Last night I broke down and had a good cry.  I have moments where I get so overwhelmed, all I can do is ball.  I let it out and move on to what needs to be done.  I’m a pretty big dreamer and ambitious.  I am also married to a big, ambitious dreamer.  Sometimes that is awesome, and sometimes, not so much.  On top of his insurance career, he is beginning 2 other side businesses.  That along with me working for him, my doula goals, writing dreams, and blogging ambitions has got my brain on overload.  Did I mention, I am at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy?  I have no idea how I am going to get through this pregnancy with how busy Kevin is going to be.  That’s pretty much why I lost it last night.  I remember how I was after I started treatment when I was pregnant with Vahn.  The day of the treatment and the next day, I was pretty much worthless.  It took a lot out of me.

I am reminded again how I can only take life one day at a time.  All God give us is this moment and we are to be good stewards with the time.  Which means, along with my own goals, I must live in the moment with my children.  God has it all under control.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel.  I get it God!  Really, I do!  When I go crazy, will you remind me of this post?  I want to love the life I live (most days I do), and live in the moment (that will always be a work in progress).

What a week!  I have been so busy, I have hardly been on my computer in almost a week.  Saturday I was out in Newberg at a women’s tea with my mother-in-law, then we had an interview with our new nanny that evening.

Sunday, after church, we helped with the set up for Tunnel Night.  Tunnel Night is tonight which we will be leaving for shortly.  The purpose of Tunnel Night, is an outreach to the jr high and high schoolers.  We create our own haunted house, or in this case dungeon to scare the crap out of these kids.  See, church can be fun and cool too!

Monday was my first day to work in almost 6 years!  The very first time I have left my kids with a stranger.  I was home for about an hour and a half, then we had to pick up Chandlur from school.  Then we dropped them off with my dad and went to a wedding.  We ran into old friends which was really cool to catch up.  Besides the fact, I couldn’t have any ‘adult’ beverages, it was a really fun time.  I got to catch a glimpse of the fun me before kids.  She gets to come out every now and again.  It reminds of who I really am and it’s refreshing.

Tuesday I after work, I had to take a nap.  I was so exhausted and not feeling good.  We had pancakes for dinner because I just couldn’t be active very long without wanting to puke.  The rest of the night, I was lazy and just watched t.v.

Today, working and Tunnel Night.  Kevin is going to be the dungeon master/butler guy who ushers them into the castle.  I am pretty excited!  Our nanny, Destiny, even folded my laundry today!  Oh happy day!

I told Kevin that this comming weekend we better not have much planned.  This mama needs a break.

People keep asking me how it is going back to work.  I just tell them, check back with me in about a month.  Maybe it really hasn’t hit me because I have gone into the office to help before.  The only difference, more adults and no kids.   It’s not too bad because Kevin is my boss.  Today I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks we can get into a rythme and I will be more comfortable with the system and insurance process.  Thankfully I know some from things he has said before.

I’m off to get ready to leave the house, yet again!

A nanny.  When I hear that word, I think hoity toity.  Welp, these poor folk are hiring one (at least we won’t be broke much longer!).  Since I am going to be “working” for Kevin, somone has to watch Cozette and Vahn.  I think they could manage by themselves, however, I don’t think the neighbors would see that as teaching them survival skills.  Not to mention the cleaning crew that will have to be called in daily.  After calling around, we discovered hiring a nanny would in fact be cheaper than us driving our kids somewhere.  Imagine that!  I feel so posh saying we are hiring a nanny.  At the same time I am terrified.  Since having Chandlur 5 1/2 years ago, I haven’t worked outside of these walls.  I’m not worried for their safety as much as the time I spend with them.  Also, if I don’t feel good in the morning, no more being lazy.  I guess it’s giving up a little of my freedom so Kevin can go out and make more money, not having to worry about the admin side of things.  I keep telling myself they are 3 and 4 plus it will only be for about 3 hours 4 days a week.  The 5th day will be library story time and maybe coffee time or cheeseburgers.  Just time for them and me.  I will miss them for those few hours, however, it will be nice to be back in the grown up world:)

I am another statistic of sexual abuse.  I have over time become OK with that.  There was a time when hardly any of my friends knew, I was ashamed.  It was in my family and I felt if I said anything, I would shame my family.  When I was pregnant with Chandlur and my parents pretty much shunned me, I realized, it didn’t matter.  See, I was molested by my older brother who is about 3 years older than I.  I just feel sorry for him because I can see he lives in his own prison, a tortured soul I call him.  I really blame my folks.  They put all their time and attention into making sure he was taken care of and his life was as normal as possible.  I wasn’t the only victim, and thankfully one of them was braver than I.  She told her parents.  When it all came out, the already shaking bottom, fell.  I went into a free fall for about 10 years after that.  It was a horrible time for me.  I had no support and no one to talk to.  It was like my parents forgot I was there unless they needed me to watch my younger siblings so they could help him.  Without going into tons of loooong details, I became lonely, depressed, tried to kill myself, and generally hated life.  Even when my folks were told about all of this, they did nothing.  I somehow picked myself up and made a good life for myself.  It wasn’t until after I had Vahn 3 1/2 years ago that I sought help.  I was suffering from really bad postpartum depression and my doctor told my hubby, if I didn’t make the call that day, he was to drive me to the therapist’s office.  It all was a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes, it is a struggle because I do see my family a couple times a month.  However, I now feel whole.

For this reason, abuse is near and dear to my heart.  I recently came across this site, Teddy Tour.  I even wrote a message from my teddy to the world (I told my hubby and he even left me an awesome message.  Gosh, I’m lucky!).  If you are a survivor (please, don’t call yourself a victim), please, create your own teddy!  The more your story is told, the less of a hold it has on you.  Go tell your message!

I love my computer, I guess more or less being online.  Staying at home all day doing the same thing every day can get tedious.  Technology and I have had a love hate relationship.  I love it when it’s being on its best behavior.  When it’s naughty, oh man!  Our printer…… It drives me crazy!  I guess the worst part, I am short.  Who cares, you may say.  It’s up high and when something is wrong, I can’t see the message it’s telling me.  I have to stand on a chair and tip the thing forward, hoping it won’t fall.  For awhile we have had no idea why the thing won’t print.  I think we finally figured it out, the toner or the ink, whatever that thing is called.  See I am really great at all the online stuff.  When it comes to the workings of an actual computer, I have to shrug my shoulders and Google it.

Speaking of computers, I want a laptop!  We had one a couple years back and it broke.  I am forced to sit in an uncomfortable chair and do all the work that needs to be done.  I think with the money I have started to make, I am going to save for an one.  I think putting it on my Christmas list may cause my hubby some laughter.  His business has begun to really take off so maybe, just maybe?  We already have a wireless router plugged in and ready to go when he brings his laptop home to do some work.  We actually had it since our last laptop.  Kevin thought a desktop would be better.  Man, I should have insisted on a laptop when we got this thing.  I really want the kids to have a computer to use also.  They push lots of buttons and such and I cannot afford my only link to the outside world to be messed up.  Nor can I afford some of my documents to be lost in computer space.  I really like the Apple Notebooks and its features.

Aaahhh, fond memories.  Whenever I hear about Apple computers, I am forced to reminisce.  Back in the late 80’s, our house was one of the coolest on the block.  We had an Apple IIe.  We thought we were hot stuff because we had a computer.  It was great, ya know, the green screen and all.  Oh, and the printer.  When I look back, I am forced to giggle.  I went from making and printing farm pictures and banners, to now creating my own sites.  Whew, technology.  It’s amazing!

Growing up I was a bookworm.  My world was tumultuous and books were where I found solace.  I could escape into this amazing world where there were no limits.  In 4th grade, we made those simple little books.  The ones where you cover and color a piece of cardboard.  Then, the teacher takes it and binds the cardboard and the pages for you.  This love of books and the fun of writing have followed me.  Ever since that little 4th grader began to see her thoughts on paper, I have held secret dreams of writing.  For over ten years, I have dreamed of putting my life into print.  My life is a story of hope, of never letting go of your dreams, of finding solutions when none seem present, of personal healing, and of being so desperate I tried to kill myself to know loving my life.  Since becoming a mommy, I have vowed to never loose site of who I am.  I don’t want to be a mother completely tied to her children’s identity because first, I am Shannon.

Over the last year and a half or so, I have gone on a journey.  It started with some piddly selling on eBay and creating La Boutique de Vogue.  Now, it has completely morphed into something I never could have dreamed which is Vogue Mum.  My focus has changed from selling to writing.  I have even begun making money doing it!  This last week, I received an offer to be a contributing editor for Posh Mama.  I am beyond elated and certainly humbled.  I had to submit a book review as my “resume”.  I was incredibly nervous because the last time I have been “graded” for one was back in high school.  You never know how someone will take your writing style.  It was so well received, I was offered the position and asked if I wanted to do something else also!

It has always been in the back of my mind, however, I never thought it possible.  I am at the beginning of seeing a successful career from this. I feel like I am at the beginning of this dream I have held in my heart since being a little girl writing about how her bunny got fat.  As with this adventure with La Boutique de Vogue, I know one thing for sure.  This writing adventure will have many twists and turns and morph into something I never thought possible.