Growing up I was a bookworm.  My world was tumultuous and books were where I found solace.  I could escape into this amazing world where there were no limits.  In 4th grade, we made those simple little books.  The ones where you cover and color a piece of cardboard.  Then, the teacher takes it and binds the cardboard and the pages for you.  This love of books and the fun of writing have followed me.  Ever since that little 4th grader began to see her thoughts on paper, I have held secret dreams of writing.  For over ten years, I have dreamed of putting my life into print.  My life is a story of hope, of never letting go of your dreams, of finding solutions when none seem present, of personal healing, and of being so desperate I tried to kill myself to know loving my life.  Since becoming a mommy, I have vowed to never loose site of who I am.  I don’t want to be a mother completely tied to her children’s identity because first, I am Shannon.

Over the last year and a half or so, I have gone on a journey.  It started with some piddly selling on eBay and creating La Boutique de Vogue.  Now, it has completely morphed into something I never could have dreamed which is Vogue Mum.  My focus has changed from selling to writing.  I have even begun making money doing it!  This last week, I received an offer to be a contributing editor for Posh Mama.  I am beyond elated and certainly humbled.  I had to submit a book review as my “resume”.  I was incredibly nervous because the last time I have been “graded” for one was back in high school.  You never know how someone will take your writing style.  It was so well received, I was offered the position and asked if I wanted to do something else also!

It has always been in the back of my mind, however, I never thought it possible.  I am at the beginning of seeing a successful career from this. I feel like I am at the beginning of this dream I have held in my heart since being a little girl writing about how her bunny got fat.  As with this adventure with La Boutique de Vogue, I know one thing for sure.  This writing adventure will have many twists and turns and morph into something I never thought possible.

I just have to say how lucky of a gal I am.  The last two days the hubby has had to put in 13 hour days.  Last night he came home with a bottle of yummy wine and a fantastic bouquet of flowers!  Today, the kids were playing outside.  I hear this “mom!  mom!  I’m teaching sister how to ride a bike.”  It was so incredibly sweet!  Cozette was sitting on the bike pedaling and he was holding it, running next to her.  It is moments like these, I am grateful to be in the place I am.  It makes the rest of crazy life, all worth it!

*Be forewarned, this is some raw emotion. However, i am sure some can relate*For those who know me, know i am a crier. i cry when i’m happy, when i’m sad, when i’m touched, when i’m angry…you get the picture. Well, tonight is another fresh burst of tears. i feel like i am beginning to get lost in the shuffle and barely keeping my head above the water called Shannon. My hubby wanted to take his hand at his own business. Yea for him, unfortunately some stuff happened and we aren’t sitting as pretty as planned. Instead, for the first time in my life i feel guilty for buying hair dye (i have been dying my hair since i was sixteen and have never had roots like these), even for buying face wash! i am not sure how much more sacrifice i can give. i have already taken on a few day care kiddos (besides my own 3), and now Kevin is going to have to get a part time job for extra income and benefits. i have had to put any dreams for Vogue Mum and my doula services on hold indefinitely. How much longer do i put up with this?! i have begun to feel so isolated. i have anywhere from 3-6 kids 5 (one who doesn’t listen and a baby who needs quite a bit of attention) and under, no car (we only have one car), and no money. What’s a girl to do? i know i am the only person i can control.

In the middle of this post, my hubby comes home. i of course and now bawling. After some conversation (half of which me hardly being able to talk from bawling so much), he came up with an idea. He is constantly amazed at how much i know (i don’t think so on a daily basis until i actually sit, sit? You mean with no distraction of children or my brain? hhmmm i guess that’s really only when it’s me and my running shoes, wait, that’s not sitting, crap!). He had an idea of teaching a class on making money blogging. Within the past few months i am surprised at how well my business blog, Rock Star Maternity has done.  Yes, i have made some money.  Not earth shattering, but i have:)  i first began with OSI Rock Stars, and what a great base.  After i had the foundation and idea, i ran far and free.  When i stop and think about all the various resources and info i have, i am amazed!  Now i have another company to add under my La Boutique de Vogue.  i have Vogue Mum, Rock Star Maternity Blog, The Domestic Engineer’s Union, and my doula biz (i am still deciding on the name so i can’t release it yet, you understand right?), now i have to come up with another name and business plan.  i joke about running my 10 companies.  i guess it just like the Secret (a concept i got a long time before thanks to some great mentors), you attract what you speak.  THAT’s why i have a mocha baby, growing up i thought how romantic it would be to have a black baby (this damn brain of mine! If you know where the off position is will you let me know?).  i constantly envision my dream life which i vision my children in 10 years or so.  i know we will get there, its just this crap we have to go through first to be more relatable i suppose.  It just hit me, 10 businesses in 10 years.  i better get crackin’!!

In my teenage years if you asked me what i want to be when i “grow up” (wasn’t it a little to late? didn’t i already have to grow up? i’m digressing, sorry!), most of those years i said a pyscologist.   i enjoy getting inside people’s head and figuring out why they do what they do (i bet if i know you, unbeknown to you, you have been a subject of scrutiny for me).  It isn’t about mind games, it’s about knowing the motive behind why you talk incessantly or why you just rolled your eyes at me.  Most times, i get it.  Sometimes, i leave shaking my head.

Right now, i am shaking my head and asking “What the hell??”  As a loyal OSI Rock Star follower, i know the key to being found on the wide world of the internet, is keywords.  This happens to be my last step to getting this blog rolling.  i type in mother and to my surprise what pops out?  Not, i love my mother, or mother tattoos.  Nothing warm fuzzy like that.  Out pops, “mother seduces son” which has 7,191 searches a day (the top search for mother).  How about “mother sucks son” 3,482 searches a day. HUH??!!  Are you searching for “mother daughter f***”?  Apparently 2,169 people are a day (69 duuude).  The topper, perhaps the best (or shall i say worst) “mother masturbating son” which is searched for 1,689 times a day.  WHAT??!!  Those are the top searches with the word mother!

Goes to show how many loony, nasty people occupy space on this earth.  Geeesshh!

my dream last night…..i was in a sorta camp like place. for some reason i really really wanted a hug. i saw Nicole from our old apartment and asked her for a hug. she completely ignored me and started asking me about watching her new baby and i told her i wasn’t sure cuz i was gonna be watching another friends baby. after that she said she was gonna go and play this game. she totally ignored my request for a hug. i went back inside where everyone slept, went upstairs to my bed int this big room we all shared and read a book. i had this incredibly lonely sad feeling. i think this may be what Greg may represents. constantly going back to mom hoping she will listen or take time for me and when i get tired of feeling hurt cuz she ignores my requests for what i need, i try to walk away. but she always says something that makes me feel guilty for walking away. and there i get drawn back in again. the dream was sooo much of how i used to handle it when i was little. i get overwhelmingly sad and lonely so i’d go and read a book to escape and take my mind off of it.

today was a tough but good therapy session. the other day i couldn’t take Cozette anymore. i told her i couldn’t handle her right now and she needed to go play. that was a tape, the cycle of past generations. that was i’m not sure if it was told to me but it surely was implied. mom can’t handle me and i was pushed away. ouch!!!! that really hurt A LOT! i now try to over compensate with Cozette so she doesn’t have the same feelings of anger and being unloved. i have to be careful and balance with the boys. i never before realized that the boys in the family got preferential treatment growing up. even now i feel Jared gets better treatment than me. it’s crazy to have someone outside the situation evaluate it and say what they actually see, not the story i tell myself.

watching Starting Over today….man, i can identify with a couple of these women!!! they were talking about jr. high and moments that they remember and how they form who u r. now that in therapy i’m starting to delve into all that…..the feelings are sooo real!! before i would have just dismessed the feelings cuz i don’t wanna deal with them or thought i already had dealt with them….yeah, well…..so maybe i haven’t. i’m great at convincing myself of anything i need to. i am trying to remain present to my feelings cuz i’m soo used to cutting them off and now with my therapy, i can’t do that anymore…..i just can’t keep stuffing them……jr. high was when my world came crashing down in many ways. everything i believed to be true was tested. i know i’m a stronger, more loving and accepting because of it, but man does it still hurt like hell!!! i felt so broken, so rejected, and so damn lonely!! i just wanna keep everyone at bay for fear of being hurt and even more broken. i am just now beginning to see what really was and not what i’ve convinced myself of. that’s what i want to feel whole, at peace, to feel acceptable, to feel worthy. it’s sooo tough when support is what u need most and people u have trusted want nothing to do with u. that was the beginning of the spiral down. i think it all started when some friends wrote me a note saying they didn’t want to be friends anymore. from there it just got worse and worse for me. i got lost in it all. my heart was hurting worse than i can ever remember and no one was there to help me. lonely is the word that keeps screaming and bouncing around in my brain….lonely. this scared, heartbroken, felt neglected, like i didn’t matter, little girl who hid in her room and constantly cried into her pillow. i was so angry i cut myself and tore up clothes and punched walls and slammed doors….nothing could relieve the deep deep anger and hurt. i hear the other day that people with addictive personalities are usually people unresolved feelings from thier past…..ding ding ding, pick me pick me. i struggled with food, the lack of and over eating. i struggled with smoking cigarettes and pot. i struggled with self hatred, self mutalation which later turned me into a whore. i struggled with even wanting to be on this earth anymore. why be here if no one cared? how i made it thru is a miracle!! even Glenda was amazed i’m still here after i told her my story. if i wasn’t hurt so deeply, life would have been so much differently!! Glenda is pretty sure i suffered from post tramatic stress syndrome and that shaped my teen years. just in typing all of this, i can feel my blood pressure rise, i have shortness of breath and before i realized it, i was clenching my teeth. i feel like someone is squeezing me on the inside.

i feel like my life keeps going in circles!! i’ve been having an incredibly rough time lately. my stress level is over what i can handle! moving, taking care of the kids and house, all the crap with my past comming up, my depression, and now all this physical stuff. i can’t keep it together! i feel soooo bad for my kids! i’m trying to do the best i can but for Kevin that’s not good enough. now i’m 15 again with my mom. i can’t express how i’m feeling/struggling because he just blows up on me and it makes me feel even worse. tonight i told him i think about killing myself almost everyday…..his comment, not “wow, what can i do to help” but, maybe u should see Glenda more often. now that’s compasionate. i don’t feel like i can tell him how i feel or what i’m thinking cuz it always blows up. i know i need to ask him about counciling but i’m really nervous. he doesn’t seem to care or want to grow himself. i just wanna give up! i know lots of it is me cuz i haven’t been doing to well, but come on!! all i’m asking is a little understanding. it’s sooo frustrating cuz whatever mood i’m in, he matches no matter what kind of day he has had. anyways, enough of my ranting!!

i’m having a really hard time right now. everything with the uncertainty of work and moving is on the list. mostly i think it’s my therapy. last thursday was a really eye opening session. i feel like i’m falling back into depression. i wanna curl up in a ball, cry and fall asleep! i hate this feeling!!! all my past is slamming right into my brain. i am having to come face to face with the ugly reality called my childhood. i decieved myself into thinking it really wasn’t that bad…..it was! no one ever stuck up for me, not even my own folks. they stood up for Jared and forced me to grow up and take responsibilty that i shouldn’t have even thought about. i was the one who was suppsosed to tell so it didn’t happen to anyone else. i have realized in my head i know it wasn’t my fault. i just have to convice my heart. i am feeling full of guilt. i hate my parents for what they did to me but at the same time i love them. i really hate this conflicting emotion!! i never realized how deeply my childhood has affected my adulthoood. i always talked about the events of my past but never much about the emotions of it all. i know i need to do all this in order to heal it’s pretty hard tho!! i guess it has to get worse before it gets better. i keep having more running dreams. this week i’ve had 2. the week before last i had another flashback. thankful i was able to figure the trigger was not feeling like could do enough to make Kevin happy. that’s always how i felt with mom. nothing i ever did was good enough. not even my straight A’s. the 2 times i should have had some help, it’s like they ignored me(when Jared’s crap hit the wall and when they found out i was cutting and trying to kill myself). WTF?????? mom gave me a book and that was my help….expected to read it.
i’ve realized and come out of denial
-where my anger comes from
-i have thoughts of Kevin hurting Cozette tho i know he never would do anything to harm her
-i hate mom and dad for the way my life happened
-my head knows not telling wasn’t my fault but i have to convice my heart
-i could have gone to college and succeeded but my life got thrown off track
-how much mom stood up for Jared
-how much i was let down and alone
-allowing myself to finally be present in those emotions and be ok with it
The Road to Healing
Tenderly removing the blood soaked puss filled infected bandages.
i have placed over the bleeding gashes in my heart.
i am now beginnin to remove the infections i have shoved deep into my soul.
i never until today realized my anger never have i allowed myself to feel the raw grief and pain i have suffered.
i am starting to clean my deep infected wounds, the stinging alcohol of talk therapy is white hot pain in my soul. i have to drown my wounds for them to have a chance to heal.
i want to be able to confidentaly sew up the holes once they are cleaned thoroughly knowing no more pain will i suffer.

at this point my stress level is at the top. i don’t think i can handle anything else. my depression must be pretty bad cuz i’m on medication and still having a difficult time. i am trying sooo hard to hide it. i am soo close to running away!!! i am about to plunge over the edge. Glenda as well thinks it’s situational so i prolly don’t need more medication. i don’t know when this all will end. i just wanna scream. listening to the kids fighting and crying then there’s Kevin. i just feel like i have to keep giving and giving with no break. i have nothing left. i am exhausted and worn out! i have been sick and of course being a mom u don’t get a day off. it sucks!!! on top of everything i have to add a job. i don’t know how i’m gonna do it all! i highly doubt Kevin is going to help out anymore than he does now. hopefully it will only be for a year until Kevin gets his first raise. he is prolly gonna be joining the plumbers union and they don’t have classes until June. i have no idea what i’m going to do for those first 6 months for work. this is all sooo stressfull and i feel like running away! i am such a planner and the uncertainty of it all is tough. Kevin hasn’t helped much with that. he takes forever to make up his mind what he’s gonna do then awhile after that to actually follow thru. i’m hoping he’s gonna be able to move to nights. he keeps talking about it but still hasn’t asked seriously about it. i hate having to depend on someone for my life. this is why i have only depended on myself until i got married. apparently i still can only depend on myself. it is sooo dissappointing!!! i am having such a hard time!!!! Kevin wants all this sympathy because he can’t take care of himself and gets sick or hurts himself. here i am dying and i have to give him all this attention. i am soooo exhausted!!!!
Kevin went to urgent care again and found out he has pneumonia. he has been bitching and moaning the last week and expecting all this sympathy while i’ve been incredibly sick with a nasty cold but still have to take care of everything. now he is pissed off at me cuz i’m not dotting on him. he told me not to talk to him so i’m not. he always has to have the last word now because i’m not talking to him he is trying everything to piss me off. it’s actually kinda funny. i’d be laughing instead of crying if i wasn’t so stressed. i’ve been on the com;puter pretty much since noon looking/applying for jobs. he didn’t even care to ask about my day. i still feel crappy. i’ve hardly eaten anything and feel like i’m gonna throw up but of course i have to cater to him. who cares about what i’ve dealt with today, right? not to mention Vahn who hasn’t been happy with anything i try to do. i need to call someone but i know if i do, he’s gonna give me a hard time about it.
now that i’m done rambling……every bone in my body tells me to reach out but i feell like i’m gonna vomit and i don’t wanna deal with Kevin and the crap he’ll give me about it….maybe i will before the end of the evening……