once a week for a couple hours
-sewing
-work on memoirs
-scrapbooking
-fixup/repair furniture
take a class at PCC or THPR
workout 5-6 days a week
biblestudy once a week
blog 3-4 times a week
read everyday
volunteer at Pregnancy Resource Center
have a personal trainer
goal set/evaluate progress regularly
list 25 things i wanna do before i die
check into doula training

i had another therapy session today. i think i’m comming out of denial about how screwed up my upbringing was. i was always screaming for attention in any way i could and never got it. mom is a codependent always trying to please dad. he’s passive aggressive and demanding. poor mom was just sooo overwhelmed when i was growing up. it’s not that they don’t have time to really understand me and find out what is really going on, they have thier own guilt and denial they don’t wanna face. if they can keep it all at arm’s length then they don’t have to deal with it. unfortunantly that all projects on me! i’m not angry or upset, i’m just sad that it has to be this way. i want that “my mom’s my best friend” relationship. i know i can’t tho until she deals with her crap. this really hurts my heart but i am realizing it has nothing to do with me. it’s not my fault. it’s the guilt and shame of being a parent and all the crap that happened. i was always screaming for love and didn’t find it til my kids and Kevin. i am the adult now so i have to protect myself even if that means distancing myself from my parents. i’m see that as the best option yet at the same time that really hurts cuz i want my kids to be close to thier grandparents….it’s such a struggle!!!!!! that give and take, weighing the positive and negative.

my therapy session on thursday was good but tough. i’m having to face the feelings i have about my family. i am tired of being fake! i’m in the process of being my authentic self. i can’t be that around my family. when we get together it’s like a bit charade! i’m an adult now and don’t have to worry about thier response. i have feelings of guilt if i hurt my mom in any way. i know she wants a deeper/better relationship but i don’t think she has any role models or knows how to go about it. the whole family legacy thing. i really think some bad stuff happened to her when she was young and hasn’t ever dealt with it. Glenda said i’ve been more than generous and forgiving. it’s time i take back my power! i need to stop people pleasing with them. she said i have every right to go in and be a brat/act out and tell it like it is. it seems the stuff with Jared and me being prego with Chandlur have all been swept under the carpet and i’m just supposed to forgive and forget. i keep shoving it deeper and deeper and know soon it will explode and not be pretty. she said i will have to face the tough decision someday soon. either write them off or tell them how i feel and force them to become real. it’s tough cuz they are my family and i don’t wanna hurt my mom. i’ve always dreamed of my kids being close to thier grandparents cuz i never had that. they are really close to Kevin’s folks. Chandlur always wants to go to Papa’s house yet throws a tantrum when he has to leave my folks house. she said the kids will start to notice i’m different around each of our folks. that starts to go into integrity. i have to be a good example for them!!! Glenda said my folks should be on thier knees begging me for forgiveness. i hear all this but my hear doesn’t want to accept it. after all, they are my family!! i just wanna scream and yell at them!!!!! i wanna tell Nathalie about all the family “secrets”. i know it’s not my place. i know when she finds out, she will most likely leave Jared. Jared is sitting on a time bomb! it’s gonna blow up in his face and it ain’t gonna be pretty! i’ve always been the scapegoat and Jared is the good kid even tho he fucked up soooo bad. it hurts me soooo bad!! he has a degree, a nice house, nice cars, great job, gets to tour the world and go to exotic places. here we are with 3 small kids in a 2 bedroom apartment with one car and barely scraping by. what the fuck????? i’ve worked soo hard my whole life and he has had stuff droped into his lap. mom and dad have gone out of thier way for him like driving to the other side of Portland to take Jared driving so he could get his liscense. then i get pregnant and only want thier emotional support not even any money whatsoever. all i get is a letter telling me how horrible of a person i am. i made some bad choices but i never broke the law or harmed anyone else!! how come i get treated so crappy when i’ve tried soooo hard!!! my family doesn’t even know i’m in therapy, have filed bankruptcy, or that i’m on Zoloft. i hate it i can’t be real with no judgemets!!!! part of me just wants to leave and never look back at the same time they are my family and i love them! i’m afraid if i say anything to mom and dad they will retaliate like they did when i was pregnant. i don’t want them to make it so i can’t see Grace. i also don’t want to keep my kids away from them. why can’t we just drop the charade and be real?????? i know our crap stinks but hey, everyone has crap don’t they? i’m just supposed to pretend like all is well and we are just one happy family! it’s sooo nice to be around Kevin’s parents and sometimes uncomfortable because Kevin is so real with them. they accept us and love us as we are. they may not always agree with our decsions but they always support us with no judgements. i’m gonna have to make this decsion soon. i can’t ride on the fence and be true to myself. as Glenda said, this will probably be the hardest thing i’ve ever done. Thanksgiving is what brough all this stuff up. i don’t know how i’m gonna be able to sit there all nice and smile like our family is perfect. we are going to Kevin’s folks so i don’t have to go to Aunt Kathy’s. i like to be around them but the grandparents are going to be there. i want to scream at them. grandma keeps telling dad she wants to hear from me more often. i email with no response from her, i sent them a link to my blog with no response. they don’t send anything for our birthday’s, not even a card!!!! we haven’t recieved anything for Christmas in at least a few years. she doesn’t even send anything for the kids!!!! how fucked up is that???? aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!! yet i’m supposed to put on this smile when inside i’m raging!

therapy has been crazy. i thought i had dealt with all the past crap. i think partly i have but not totally. a few weeks ago i had a flash back. i left the office and felt like i did when i was a teenager. i couldn’t catch my breath and was very tense and agitated. this is the first time i’ve really talked about how it all affected me and how i feel. in the past i always talked about it as a series of events and not the emotion of it all. last week we did a relaxing technique called guided imagery. i closed my eyes and Glenda guided me thru focusing on those who have helped/loved/supported me. it was sooo great. i have this constant struggle of they r my family yet at the same time i want to scream at them. i want to tell my parents they aren’t very accepting and i can’t be myself around them. there is much i don’t tell them that i’d like to. i want to not just be thier daughter but their friend too. we are such a surfacey family. we get together and it looks like all is well. i want a deeper relationship with everyone. part of it would be tough cuz Nathalie doesn’t know about our childhood. i just feel soooo fake and i HATE that more than anything. at the same time they r my family and i love them. i’m happy i am finally able to get some help!