This year was really the first year my birthday was celebrated since I was a little girl. Since I was 18 my birthday has held a very personal place in my heart. It is much like an addict celebrates their sobriety date. This year has been 14 years since that day. Back when I was 17 I attempted suicide. It is truly by God’s grace that my life was spared.
After that night, the seed of greatness was planted. I knew God had spared my life so I could go on to do great things. I was really messed up and in a very dark place in life. I had no hope that I would ever mentally be better, nor that my life could ever be happy like those around me. Every year on my birthday I meditate on how far I far I have come since that scary night. It is so deeply personal that I never let anyone see. I would only say when my birthday was if someone asked. I would get upset when someone would try to make a big deal about it. As I have gained healing in my life, I have been more comfortable with people knowing.

This year was the pinnacle and in it’s own way that final inch of healing I needed. For the first time in my life, I had a surprise party. I had NO idea what my hubby and friends were planning. It was such a fun night with good food and good friends. I feel so blessed people love me that much! For the first time I didn’t get angry because someone wanted to do something special for my birthday. On the actual day, my hubby spoiled me. We bought a wedding ring to replace the one I had lost last October at Grace’s. We went shopping and I bought some jewelry and a few tops. We then went to Todai’s for some yummy sushi and saw a movie. He let me do whatever I wanted.

I know it sounds so cliche and trite, however, it WAS one of the best weekends I have ever had. For the first time on my birthday I felt special, I felt whole, I felt like all is right with the world.

As I am sitting here, I have tears streaming down my face in joy and thankfulness.  I have just finished my coursework on PPD and PTSD.  Because of my personal experience with these after we had Vahn, it was draining.  I was diagnosed with severe PPD and PTSD from some childhood trauma that was never healed.  Thankfully I had an amazing therapist and support at home.  My heart is healed, however, reviewing the information in a clinical sense brings up those disparing emotions.  I almost feel like I need a nap.  I went to the next section in attempts to put it behind me and move on.  I am struggling!  All of a sudden I hear my son start singing to the baby “I love my Lord Jesus a deep down in my heart, a deep down in my heart” over and over.  I turn around and see the baby smiling at him.  I can move on in perfect peace.

God never gives us more than we can handle, right? Over the past couple weeks He has been giving me bits and pieces and I know He isn’t done. He has really been speaking to my heart about friendship. I have been praying for some close friends and a mentor. It began with an evening at the neighbors. We were drinking and chatting on the patio. The next day I began to wonder if this was part of an answer to my prayers. I really like them! Perhaps this is an unexpected friendship because although we are neighbors, we are at completely different places in life (they are in their 50’s with no kids). A couple days later Kevin and I were talking about our experiences with friends. Clarity began to happen. I realized I had never really had a good example in my folks in how to create friendships (they didn’t really have many long lasting friends). Growing up I never really had those long lasting friendships. I never really hung out at anyone’s house on a consistent or even often basis. When I went from elementary to private middle school, I wasn’t able to continue cultivating those friendships. In private school I wasn’t into Keds or long conversations on the phone so I was somewhat of a social outcast and didn’t have many friends. Seriously, what does “we want to be friends in a different way” really mean?? I recieved a note from a group of girls that said that. When I hit high school I had a couple people who I was with quite a bit. Over the years those faded except for one. Since high school I have made friends here and there but for some reason we just loose contact.

In my conversation with Kevin I began to realize I don’t know how to be a good friend. We started talking about those around us who seem to have many relationships and what they did to gain those. Some things I can accept, while some just aren’t me. I want friends, not just a bunch of acquaintances.

This prompted me to pick up “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It was a book on my bookshelf calling out my name. Seriously, I almost heard it speak to me:) I have just begun reading it and already God is changing my heart.

Last night we had a worship and prayer time at church. It was to cover this transition period and connect since we won’t have church for 3 weeks. I had one of those moments where God plants a thought out of the blue and it makes me giggle. I realized this new journey of friendship is in preperation for our “new” church. It will be a new season of deep relationships that I haven’t ever really had.

I think I am at the beginning of this new adventure of friendships. I know I have a long way to go and probably many hurdles to leap over. I also know God is only going to give me little pieces at a time so I get it and don’t get to overwhelmed.

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
Ive got to break away
So take my hand now

Chorus
cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

Ive been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Chorus

Sometimes this life can get you down
Its so confusing
There’s so many rules to follow
And I feel it
cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Repeat chorus to fade

Lately I feel I have hit a wall. I see what will be, however, it seems I can’t make any progress. I have a handful of women praying for me this past week. They think maybe God is telling me I need a period of rest (the whole back thing) to prepare for those awesome things. Yesterday at church it seemed God spoke to me almost immediately upon entering the doors through a song. I think I am just empty and need some filling up…..praying the Holy Spirit will fill me up with a new song. The past 6 months with the pregnancy, then adding a new baby, then my back issue, then the baby being sick this past week…my tank is empty. Pastor Ed was praying and commented about following God in the fog. It was like in the cartoons when you see the light bulb above the head. That is it, I feel I have been following God in the fog. I know He is there, I just don’t see His direction so clearly. I’m squishing through the mud trying to accomplish the mundane to get closer to my goals and dreams. I know my direction is right, I’m just not sure exactly what the road signs say. So, for now, I will be following God in the fog, reading my Bible though the words at time just don’t click, and taking this time to just chill.

Vahn leaning over and kissing the baby, “she smells poopy”.

Chandlur, “welcome to mom’s world!”

Sound: screaming and crying

Reason: Vahn and Cozette are laying in the bathroom on towels to go to bed.

What?! Why?! Glad you asked. See we live in a two story town home. Their room is on the second floor. For the second time in a few weeks they have opened the window and stood in it. A few more minutes of leaning and I’m sure they would fall down to the pavement. What’s a mama to do? The consequence…one gets the tub and the other gets the floor. I’m sorta nice, at least they each get to lay in a towel and thankfully I keep it pretty clean. Think they learned? I sure hope!

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We who have mental issues are no longer considered crazy nor are we given shock therapy.  Although, i do have to say, i do question some people’s sanity.  Aaanyways, we have come very far in mental health care.  Because of some issues from childhood, i am a sufferer of depression.  After some therapy and drugs, i know how to manage it drug free.  Maybe in the future i will have a physcotic break and run down the street naked yelling at the spiders to stop chasing me, though for now, i am good.  Here in Oregon today, ground was broken for a new state mental hospital.  The old building has been in operation for 125 years!  i do think the approach may be a little bit Pollyanish.  They want to be able to rehab these people and place them back in the public.  i am not sure how much these people will be able to function in a real world enviroment because so many of our homeless are homeless because of mental illness.  Maybe they will give us a more concrete rehab program synopsis.  All that said, i am really happy because as the Governor Kitzhaber said, it is a great direction for the mental illness.  It is not what it used to be.  Me having to be in therapy and on medications was some secret i had to keep.  Mental illness isn’t something to shy aways from, we just need to figure how to properly care for the person so they can have a productive life.  No human deserves to just be locked away.   kevin and i watched part of a special report Ann Curry did on the menally ill in Serbia.  i am beyond thankfull mental illness is beginning to be better understood and not just a dirty little secrety!