ooOOoo the dilemas of life! u love your family at the same time u wanna shake 'em (hard). a few family memebers need to learn they needn't judge anyone cuz when u point a finger, u have 3 pointing right back at u. they are my family so i have to love them right? there isn't anything i can do to please them. i will never be good enough or even on the same level as them. if u know me at all, u know i have been thru so much crap in my life because of them. so why the hell do they think they can judge me?? it doesn't affect how i view myself or my life. it just really pisses me off that the people who are supposed to love u and always be there for u, are complete asses to u and they are the ones who have totally screwed up in life. i know i live in low income housing (tho its brand new and absolutely beautiful here), we only have one car (a new, safe minivan), we only have one small tv (not high def and all that other jazz out there), we don't wear designer names (nor do we care), BUUUTTT if i had to live this way for the rest of my life, i would be more than happy. i have the most amazing life!! i get to stay home and raise my kids, who by the way are incredibly amazing. i have a hubby who loves me like no one else my entire life ever has and is constantly showing me his love. i get to afford a few small luxuries, live in a healthy body and provide healthy food for my fam and i. i have the most amazing relationship with God like never before. i am involved in a church that love us to pieces….i could go on an on, however, u get the point. i love my life and wouldn't trade it!! why can't they take their eyes off of themselves and see the person they screwed up turned out ok. i've been thru lots of pain, lots of tears (still), and lots of confusion and somehow came out the other side pretty “normal”.
now that i've ranted on and on….. i am torn. they are still a part of my life and i feel guilty taking them away from my kids. they need to know their extended family (unlike how i hardly know mine tho my brother seems to think i am avoiding my grandma. when really the kids get a box of stuff when they are born and that is all. i have sent pics and such with never a word back. this year, for the first time in 10 years, i got a Christmas card from them. granted a week after Christmas. but hey, it's the thought that counts???? and apparently i'm the bad guy) so what do i do? part of me just wants to say screw u and go on with my life without them. the other part of me feels guilty for denying my kids. also there is this piece of me (its mean i know, but seriously some people should know we aren't perfect like they think) that wants to release the family secrets to people close to our family who have no idea. this tho would cause a huge explosion and of course it would be my fault (another thing my fault, yet again). why do families have to be so complicated? i'm sure within the next few weeks what to do will become clear. i am sooo fed up with this crap! “should i stay or should i go now? if i stay there will be trouble, if i go there will be double.” i think that line pretty much sums it up……