yesterday i had a therapy session. let me back up. on Sunday Ivy was preaching on sex and sexuality and how God puts so much value on the person. that subject always hits home…hind sight. got me to thinking….i am soo not over Greg. he had/has this invisible pull. so in therapy that is what we started talking about. she had me close my eyes and try to talk to him. i couldn't do it. all i could do was weep. i just say his arm outstretched with palm up beconing me to come back into his grip. so we stoped that and just talked about it. she kept telling me how much she admired my courage and strength to leave in the midst of all the other crap happeneing and no support. Chandlur was my saving grace, my redemption. we talked about sacred contracts and how Greg fulfilled his by being an ass and i fulfilled mine to him. she said he is a 'childman' who grew up and has no empathy skills. its all about him and he doesn't care who he runs over in the process. she said empathy starts at 18 months and if the child doesn't recieve it then they grow up really without a conscience. she attributed lots of his behavour to his culture…..the ghetto of Chicago. throughout his life he has learned how to read body language and manipulation and use his charisma. he always knew the right thing to say to get me back where he wanted me. she wants me to get to the place of thanking him for the gifts he has given me…courage and strength. i am working on getting there. in my head i know but i'm working on my heart. i came to realize today during my run that i am scared deep down that i will get drawn back in. i know in my head that is ridiculous but my heart still believes it. that is why i'm having a hard time really getting past this. i don't want to face him for fear i will get drawn back in. yesterday during naptime i had this dream. there was a prison i kept getting drawn back to. the first time i got caught and went then after that there was always some reason i had to keep going back. someone even commented about me always comming in and out. i feel like its a prison i keep getting sucked back into and i keep trying to escape. i am so angry at myself for allowing myself to get mixed up with this crap. i am so much better and i have no idea how or why i got there. its not like i was desperate. i guess i just had that deep need to 'fix' someone. come in and rescue him. when really all along, he just wanted to suck the life right outta me. the whole time it had nothing to do with me…it was all about him and what he wanted. why could i have not seen that? how could i have been so dumb?? i want to beat the shit out of him right now! i just can't believe that someone could be so heartless and so uncaring. it really was an abusive relationship. he never physically hit me but he hit me deep in my sould everyday. that is soo hard to see in words. i always knew it was an abusive relationshiip but seeing it in words really hits deep. i am beginning to see who he was at the core and not what i idealize him as. how could i have been so stupid??? so blind??? i really think alot of my anger isn't toward him necesarily but at myself for what i got into. he has wounded my soul deeper than any man i have ever known. thank God he gave me the courage and strength to leave when i did. i know he was guiding me and holding my heart all along the way until the most amazing guy came along and vowed to treat me with love and respect until 'death do u part'. God is so good. His grace is sufficient and His power is perfected in my weakness. i was with Greg to create Chandlur then when he was created, my sacred contract was up and God gave me the courage.