when i meditate or run, i ask myself a question. the past week or so it has been in what area am i the prostitute? what area do i sell myself for? today finally came the answer……control. i am unable to fully live and enjoy life cuz of a need to control. so why is that? it was crazy, like a flood of light shined into that dark corner and exposed it all. i realized its cuz i feel if i don't have totaly control, my life will spiral outta control like it has in the past. the reason i don't want it to go there is cuz part of me is still seeking to please my folks. the 2 times my life spiraled (one my fault the other was someone else's fault), i was left with no support from my family and felt very lonely. it was the worst feeling ever and i don't wanna go back there. soooo i have to control everything around me to be 'perfect' so i can seek their “good job”. wether it comes or not, what a crappy prison to be in!!
lately i have been having incredible epiphanies and growing so quickly personally that i feel my head is spinning and i can't grasp the full meaning of everything that comes up. right now i am the coal that is being pressed into a beautiful diamond. the diamond is about to emerge in all of its shiny glory!