the past week and a half or so i've been feeling scattered. my house isn't ever clean enough, my to do list isn't ever complete enough, my eating isn't under control enough, i can't sleep well enough, and on and on……i get this way when my head is full. i feel like there is so much swarming in there i can't get a handle on it. a behive where someone threw a rock in and they are aggitated and about to attack. i have a hive of agitated bees in my head. i was just watching the news and Luke was brought up again. in an instant it all became clear why these bees won't calm down. i was going to journal today just to try to get it all out. then i realized i feel this way inside cuz i feel the world is out of control right now and i and my surroundings are the only things i can control. Luke's death has brought on a feeling of sadness with the world. we can't be safe anywhere we go. it makes me sad with the world that the police felt they had to take such drastic action when it wasn't really appropriate. and now the 'investigation' being done isn't consistent. i feel like if we can't trust those who are supposed to protect us then hell, who can u trust in time of need. i guess i'm just really sad with all the despair of the world right now. there is just so much sadness everywhere i look. i have lost some more (not that there was much anyways) faith in humanity. there is so much negative constantly happening all around me every day, everywhere i look. its just so sad. my soul weeps for the mom's whose babies have died waaaay to early in life, for the couples who can't get along and decide on divorce, for the children out there who are hiding in a corner for fear of being hurt again, for the families struggling just to find dinner, for the single mom's who are forced to 'do it all' for their kids. i just want to take all that pain away. i know Utopia was a great concept back in the 50's but damn it, i want it now!! sometimes its hard cuz of the way God wired me. i'm a feeler/intuitive. some of us in life feel much deeper than most other people. its our personalilty and we can't get away from it. that's why being in large crowds lots of times is tuff cuz i can feel and sense so much of others that my system goes on overload. i can't turn it off because it will ruin my life like it did when i was a teen. maybe my question for the next few days will be how do i balance the 2 without going crazy. also how i can fill myself up with a little bit of positive every day.