over the weekend I got to go on a womens retreat with some ladies from my church. it was sooo incredible! at the beginning on of the ladies said we will hear the cries of our hearts answered this weekend. holy cow did I ever!. I got the answer to my question of when will I know I have been healed from my past. the answer–when I can constantly give my parents the grace they need. now that I have a goal it sure does make the journey easier! I'm certainly not there yet, however it helps to know the end goal. I also got confirmation that I'm on the right path to being the woman I need to be. on satuday nite each woman got a book of grace. each person had a turn sitting on the chair. while on the chair we wrote on a sticky something God was telling us about them and who they are. for me at first I was really nervous cuz I didn't know anyone much except Jill. I really had to tune my ear to God. it was incredible being a giver and reciever! I also made some incredible friends. one of which I think will play a huge roll in my life as sort of a mentor. also, Jill and I have really deepened our friendship. it all was soo incredible! I finally realized I'm in self opposition. I am keeping my walls up. I am getting in my own way. right now it is a concience thought not putting them back up, even with God. it's crazy to think with all that God is to me, I would have a wall between us. it occured to me how incredibly to the core of my soul have I been hurt. I didn't realize how deep it was. I have learned to talk about my experiences with no emotion. I kept it locked in the secret room in the tower and am now unlocking the door. it's gonna be tough when all of it comes flooding out of the space its contained in. thankfully now I have great support to help me thru it. I catch little glimpses of not having that impass when around people this week. when I met Shelley for instance. it was totally not like me. when I looked back I saw why and caught a glimpse of me deep in there. I didn't have that wall up. I have spent my lifetime containing myself in a tinted box. no one could see. now, I feel the real me is making appearances. soon I will be the me God intended all the time. soon.