watching Starting Over today….man, i can identify with a couple of these women!!! they were talking about jr. high and moments that they remember and how they form who u r. now that in therapy i’m starting to delve into all that…..the feelings are sooo real!! before i would have just dismessed the feelings cuz i don’t wanna deal with them or thought i already had dealt with them….yeah, well…..so maybe i haven’t. i’m great at convincing myself of anything i need to. i am trying to remain present to my feelings cuz i’m soo used to cutting them off and now with my therapy, i can’t do that anymore…..i just can’t keep stuffing them……jr. high was when my world came crashing down in many ways. everything i believed to be true was tested. i know i’m a stronger, more loving and accepting because of it, but man does it still hurt like hell!!! i felt so broken, so rejected, and so damn lonely!! i just wanna keep everyone at bay for fear of being hurt and even more broken. i am just now beginning to see what really was and not what i’ve convinced myself of. that’s what i want to feel whole, at peace, to feel acceptable, to feel worthy. it’s sooo tough when support is what u need most and people u have trusted want nothing to do with u. that was the beginning of the spiral down. i think it all started when some friends wrote me a note saying they didn’t want to be friends anymore. from there it just got worse and worse for me. i got lost in it all. my heart was hurting worse than i can ever remember and no one was there to help me. lonely is the word that keeps screaming and bouncing around in my brain….lonely. this scared, heartbroken, felt neglected, like i didn’t matter, little girl who hid in her room and constantly cried into her pillow. i was so angry i cut myself and tore up clothes and punched walls and slammed doors….nothing could relieve the deep deep anger and hurt. i hear the other day that people with addictive personalities are usually people unresolved feelings from thier past…..ding ding ding, pick me pick me. i struggled with food, the lack of and over eating. i struggled with smoking cigarettes and pot. i struggled with self hatred, self mutalation which later turned me into a whore. i struggled with even wanting to be on this earth anymore. why be here if no one cared? how i made it thru is a miracle!! even Glenda was amazed i’m still here after i told her my story. if i wasn’t hurt so deeply, life would have been so much differently!! Glenda is pretty sure i suffered from post tramatic stress syndrome and that shaped my teen years. just in typing all of this, i can feel my blood pressure rise, i have shortness of breath and before i realized it, i was clenching my teeth. i feel like someone is squeezing me on the inside.