at this point my stress level is at the top. i don’t think i can handle anything else. my depression must be pretty bad cuz i’m on medication and still having a difficult time. i am trying sooo hard to hide it. i am soo close to running away!!! i am about to plunge over the edge. Glenda as well thinks it’s situational so i prolly don’t need more medication. i don’t know when this all will end. i just wanna scream. listening to the kids fighting and crying then there’s Kevin. i just feel like i have to keep giving and giving with no break. i have nothing left. i am exhausted and worn out! i have been sick and of course being a mom u don’t get a day off. it sucks!!! on top of everything i have to add a job. i don’t know how i’m gonna do it all! i highly doubt Kevin is going to help out anymore than he does now. hopefully it will only be for a year until Kevin gets his first raise. he is prolly gonna be joining the plumbers union and they don’t have classes until June. i have no idea what i’m going to do for those first 6 months for work. this is all sooo stressfull and i feel like running away! i am such a planner and the uncertainty of it all is tough. Kevin hasn’t helped much with that. he takes forever to make up his mind what he’s gonna do then awhile after that to actually follow thru. i’m hoping he’s gonna be able to move to nights. he keeps talking about it but still hasn’t asked seriously about it. i hate having to depend on someone for my life. this is why i have only depended on myself until i got married. apparently i still can only depend on myself. it is sooo dissappointing!!! i am having such a hard time!!!! Kevin wants all this sympathy because he can’t take care of himself and gets sick or hurts himself. here i am dying and i have to give him all this attention. i am soooo exhausted!!!!
Kevin went to urgent care again and found out he has pneumonia. he has been bitching and moaning the last week and expecting all this sympathy while i’ve been incredibly sick with a nasty cold but still have to take care of everything. now he is pissed off at me cuz i’m not dotting on him. he told me not to talk to him so i’m not. he always has to have the last word now because i’m not talking to him he is trying everything to piss me off. it’s actually kinda funny. i’d be laughing instead of crying if i wasn’t so stressed. i’ve been on the com;puter pretty much since noon looking/applying for jobs. he didn’t even care to ask about my day. i still feel crappy. i’ve hardly eaten anything and feel like i’m gonna throw up but of course i have to cater to him. who cares about what i’ve dealt with today, right? not to mention Vahn who hasn’t been happy with anything i try to do. i need to call someone but i know if i do, he’s gonna give me a hard time about it.
now that i’m done rambling……every bone in my body tells me to reach out but i feell like i’m gonna vomit and i don’t wanna deal with Kevin and the crap he’ll give me about it….maybe i will before the end of the evening……