As I am sitting here, I have tears streaming down my face in joy and thankfulness.  I have just finished my coursework on PPD and PTSD.  Because of my personal experience with these after we had Vahn, it was draining.  I was diagnosed with severe PPD and PTSD from some childhood trauma that was never healed.  Thankfully I had an amazing therapist and support at home.  My heart is healed, however, reviewing the information in a clinical sense brings up those disparing emotions.  I almost feel like I need a nap.  I went to the next section in attempts to put it behind me and move on.  I am struggling!  All of a sudden I hear my son start singing to the baby “I love my Lord Jesus a deep down in my heart, a deep down in my heart” over and over.  I turn around and see the baby smiling at him.  I can move on in perfect peace.

I just finished reading Genesis 21 and 22.  I was only going to read my one chapter for the day but God kept prodding my heart to continue.

Our sweet Chandlur has some issues we are in the process of seeking help for.  He has some serious developmental delays which makes school a tough time and home life chaotic at times.  Thankfully we have some resources we are finally able to seek out for him.  Even as I type this I have to stop and wipe my tears.  This whole subject is very emotional for me.  I know I am not to blame at all, however, as a mother, I do.  This is the only area of my life I play the what if game.  What if my life during pregnancy wasn’t so stressful?  What if I didn’t go back to that abusive relationship?  What if my parents had been more supportive?  What if he didn’t have to have the vacuum during birth?  What if….What if….What if….I am his protector, how can I not blame myself?

When I was pregnant with him, God spoke to my heart.  This little guy is going to accomplish great things above and beyond me.  He is going to touch thousands of lives.  God has a very special purpose for him.  On the hard days I cling to that promise like a child clings to their favorite blankey when they are scared.  Prayer is the thumb I suck.  I love that kid so much it hurts sometimes.  I see him struggle and it hurts my heart so much.  It kills me to say I can’t handle it anymore.  As a mom I am supposed to be able to take of my kids and provide for them.  I just can’t give him what he needs anymore.  It kills me to say I need serious professional help for him now.

Genesis 21:1 — God’s promises are always true.  I cling to this aspect of His character so much and in so many different parts of my life.  Verse 2 — God has perfect timing.  He has it all under control.  He knows the big picture and I must trust in that.  Verses 15-21 — God takes our mistakes and bad choices and redeems them.  They turn into these magnificent pieces of God’s character.  Chandlur redeemed me in so many ways.

I was about to close my Bible and notebook when the prodding to keep going wouldn’t go away.  Genesis 22 is about Abraham taking Isaac out to sacrifice him.  God wanted to see how much Abraham trusted him.  I need to give up Chandlur and place him wholly in God’s arms.  I am being required to trust God like never before.  It has been really stressful lately because Chandlur’s issues are becoming worse and more defined.  How do u discipline a 6 year who forgot 2 minutes ago you told him not to do something?  It’s like he is an infant and you are having to lovingly say no and remove them or the object.  You think he should know these things, but his brain doesn’t work that way.  I need to give up complete control of him and trust God’s promises are true.  He will heal Chandlur and Chandlur will go on to touch many.  I need to rest in the fact, it is all how it should be.  God is in control.  I need to do the best I can and God will take care of the rest.  There is a reason God chose me to be his mommy.

God, I release Chandlur wholeheartedly into Your hands.  I know You have promised great and mighty things through him.  Keep guiding me to the right tools to help him get there.  When I can’t go on or feel like bursting into tears, grant me Your amazing strength.  Thank you that Your grace is sufficient and Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank you that You speak in the right moment and restore our hope.

Vahn “I’ve had lots of sugar today mommy”

Mommy “Why do you say that?  Does your tummy hurt?”

Vahn “No,” he starts rubbing his head “sugar makes your hair short”

Mommy “Is that right?”

Chandlur “Yup! You  have these little holes you can’t see.  The sugar comes out of them”

If only sugar came out of my head and not turn to fat, I’d be one happy mama!

God has yet again put me in my place.  I was reading this morning about the tower of Babel in Genesis 11.  Verse 6 talks about God putting a stop to it because if they finished it, they would think they could do anything.  At first I was confused.  God is supposed to want us to succeed, right?  This isn’t the God I know.  Then upon some reflection and nudging from God, I got it.  He was saving them from further heartache.  If they succeeded in building this, it would have been a longer road coming back to God because they would have felt they could do anything.  We need God plain and simple.  I need God.  The harder I try to do things on my own, the more difficult and frustrating it becomes.

You know those times when people say God doesn’t answer prayer.  This morning I can tell you for a fact He does.  I prayed that He would remind me when I’m being independent instead of dependent on Him.  A few heart beats later He just slapped me upside the head and said “DUH!”.  See, lately I have been feeling distant from God.  I have been reading my Bible most mornings and praying throughout the day.  All the usual things I do.  There has just been a disconnect for some reason.  I thought it was something else, as a matter of fact I was almost convinced it was.  I have started my doula business.  I so desperately want it to take off for selfish and unselfish reasons.  There has been so much to accomplish and I have felt like I am battling uphill.  It is because I have been (now the tears are coming).  Instead of being dependent on God and where He wants my business to be, I have been independent and pursuing where I want it to be.  I know for a fact I will be successful in this.  God has shown me the future.  I must pray through everything and seek His will even down to the silliest little administrative detail.  I know it will go much smoother and I will need to expend less effort.  Which means more energy and time for my family.

God, I am so sorry I have been seeking my own agenda.  I know from experience, life’s successes are empty without You.  You have placed a calling on my life and I am not doing You proud.  You know how much I desire to hear those words when I get to heaven “well done good and faithful servant”.  Please restore Your rhthym in my daily life and stir up that joy that has started to tarnish.

Along the lines of my Chan man…….

Recently at the bus stop a little boy approached him.  He was standing next to Cozette.  The boy looked back and forth at the both of them a few times.  He then looks at Chandlur and asks, (pointing to Zettie) “Is she your sister?”  Chandlur puts his arm around Cozette, puffs out his chest, “yes she is”.  The little boy looks back and forth again a few more times.  ”She is white”, he says completely confused.  Chandlur nonchalantly, “I”m just different.”, gives a slight shoulder shrug and looks over the kid’s shoulder at the other boys.  He had already moved on.

We have been blessed with some money from a very generous neighbor.  They gave us money so Chandlur can be officially a Baird.  About 2 weeks ago we had to go into the lawyers office and sign the petition.  We had all the kids in tow.  Afterwards we talked to Chandlur about what we were doing.  He was so funny.  He had no idea and didn’t really seem to even care.  We tried to explain to him that his name will be changed from Hodgson to Baird.  He said “Oh, like the name my teacher calls me?”  We said yes.  If you ask him his full name, he will tell  you Baird (he can’t even pronounce Hodgson).  We have brought it up to him a few times since and he acts like it’s no big deal.  His nonchalance cracks me up.  In about 2 months or so he will be official and no more of this name crap!  He sees no difference in context to his family, however, when he has to pick out a face color, he tends toward brown.  For instance, his favorite GI Joe has a brown face, when asked to color himself, it’s brown.

Maybe someday he will be curious or maybe not.  Who knows.  I thought at this point he would be asking questions.  I think it’s so cute how he doesn’t seem to think twice about being different.

Speaking of adoption……Mr Spiegel is an adoption attorney and gave us info on adopting.  Since I was a teenager I knew I wanted to adopt.  After looking over it all, the bug has bit HARD!  Much like the baby bug hits me.  It won’t be for awhile though because we need more space.  Maybe in a couple years……

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

Oh, my children, how do I sum up the matter of faith?  I know I can go through anything or any place because God is next to me.  Sometimes, He is holding my hand skipping next to me.  Sometimes, He is walking in front of me leading the way, breaking the wind.  Sometimes, He is on the sidelines yelling encouragement to keep going forward in His plan.  Sometimes, He is walking behind me giving me a little push.  I know I can sound like an old fart, however, I must say it.  Your relationship with God is the single most important thing to put effort into.  When you are on God’s path, life just seems so clear.  When God isn’t the focus and I don’t pay attention to His direction, there just seems to be no peace.  As it says in Isaiah 55:9, God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  He knows, really He does, I promise.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  I promise you, it IS better with Him. 

There was one point in my life where I wanted nothing to do with God.  If He created this mess, then He wasn’t for me.  Unfortunately it wasn’t Him who created it and I was allowing my view of mankind to be my view of God.  As I have matured in my life, I have realized what a big part God really does play for me.  He is the backbone of which I can function on those days I want to crawl back in bed.  He is my redeemer, restorer, and my rewarder.

God wants to use for amazing things, however, if we aren’t ready, He will use someone else who is.  You can kiss that blessing good-bye.  I could tell you of all the lessons I have learned in life, however, that would be pointless.  Your journey is different than mine.  As long as you are spending time reading/applying the Word, seeking God in prayer, and quieting your heart to hear Him, He will guide you.

God never gives us more than we can handle, right? Over the past couple weeks He has been giving me bits and pieces and I know He isn’t done. He has really been speaking to my heart about friendship. I have been praying for some close friends and a mentor. It began with an evening at the neighbors. We were drinking and chatting on the patio. The next day I began to wonder if this was part of an answer to my prayers. I really like them! Perhaps this is an unexpected friendship because although we are neighbors, we are at completely different places in life (they are in their 50’s with no kids). A couple days later Kevin and I were talking about our experiences with friends. Clarity began to happen. I realized I had never really had a good example in my folks in how to create friendships (they didn’t really have many long lasting friends). Growing up I never really had those long lasting friendships. I never really hung out at anyone’s house on a consistent or even often basis. When I went from elementary to private middle school, I wasn’t able to continue cultivating those friendships. In private school I wasn’t into Keds or long conversations on the phone so I was somewhat of a social outcast and didn’t have many friends. Seriously, what does “we want to be friends in a different way” really mean?? I recieved a note from a group of girls that said that. When I hit high school I had a couple people who I was with quite a bit. Over the years those faded except for one. Since high school I have made friends here and there but for some reason we just loose contact.

In my conversation with Kevin I began to realize I don’t know how to be a good friend. We started talking about those around us who seem to have many relationships and what they did to gain those. Some things I can accept, while some just aren’t me. I want friends, not just a bunch of acquaintances.

This prompted me to pick up “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It was a book on my bookshelf calling out my name. Seriously, I almost heard it speak to me:) I have just begun reading it and already God is changing my heart.

Last night we had a worship and prayer time at church. It was to cover this transition period and connect since we won’t have church for 3 weeks. I had one of those moments where God plants a thought out of the blue and it makes me giggle. I realized this new journey of friendship is in preperation for our “new” church. It will be a new season of deep relationships that I haven’t ever really had.

I think I am at the beginning of this new adventure of friendships. I know I have a long way to go and probably many hurdles to leap over. I also know God is only going to give me little pieces at a time so I get it and don’t get to overwhelmed.

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
Ive got to break away
So take my hand now

Chorus
cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

Ive been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Chorus

Sometimes this life can get you down
Its so confusing
There’s so many rules to follow
And I feel it
cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
Theres a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Repeat chorus to fade