I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Last night at prayer group, God really spoke. I am currently in freak out mode over the church changing. When I am angry, worried, hurt, etc., I freak out, cry, and have crazy conversations with myself. It doesn’t last long, I collect myself and create a plan of attack. I know it’s all good and definitely in God’s plan, I just have issues with churches and christians. I thought I was over it all, however, I guess I need some more healing. Long ago, our family was kicked out of a church because of the poor choices of one of our family members. It was a horrid time for me and I was left with no one at all to turn to. I have finally found a church with pastors I can trust and people who show me what a christian is supposed to be. Now, all that is changing. I know it’s no accident for my life. Maybe this is part of the wall of needing to be filled up and chilling. I know once this freak out mode is past, all will be well again. I think in the end things will be even better then they were.

God speaks to one of the ladies in our prayer group through pictures. When I am “free” of the crap of my life (all my wounds healed), I see myself as a zebra running through the plains and the Savage Garden song “Animal Song” blaring. This is something I shared with her a few years ago when we were creating these books of who we are. Last night she saw that zebra galloping by itself. Then she saw that zebra in a herd with all the strips overlapping so you couldn’t tell one zebra from another. She isn’t sure what it means, nor am I. This is what I have to meditate on…..what is God trying to tell me? After she told me this, I said when she was praying for me, I was reminded that I usually run. I think this time God is really saying to stay and heal. This is the time. I have a support group that will be there for me. Maybe it’s time to deal with my fault line of “I don’t matter”. I believe everyone has a fault line….that one message they tell themselves even from childhood and build their lives on to over compensate for that feeling. Maybe now is the right time for me to really heal and deal. The plates have shifted, the earthquake is here, and my house of cards is tumbling down upon itself.

So much to ponder in this sleep deprived brain………….

If only I knew then what I know now…….

To my girls:
*Watch the movie “He’s Just Not That In To You”!
*Boys will say anything to get into your pants.
*If you have to excuse any of his behavior….run!
*He should always be kind, gentle, and a man of integrity. I knew your daddy was a great man when he would call me first out of the blue, or he would follow through when he said he was going to.
*If a man truly wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be there.
*Only be with a man who is worthy of your amazing spirit and heart. Don’t give your heart away to any man less than wonderful. Each time you give your heart away, that is less of a piece you can give to your future husband. It is a piece which will take time to heal. There are no take backs when you give your heart away.
*He must make you feel special. Not just special at the moment he is with you, but always and everywhere. *Never be with a man to try and change him, rescue dating.
*Don’t put into a relationship more than you are getting back.
*If he keeps asking for money, tell him God didn’t create you to be a sugar mama.
*As with anyone, pay more attention to their actions then what they have to say.
*Find out if they have ambition in life. If their only goal is to be king of the trailer park, drinking cheap bear on the porch (I really did have a friend who said this)…..please run. Only be with a man who has goals and dreams.

I know it may be hard, but please listen to me when I don’t like a boyfriend. I have experienced the good, the bad, and the complete asshole. I DO know what I’m talking about, really. Realize having a boyfriend isn’t why you are on this earth. It doesn’t give you your identity. I had a boyfriend tell me once, he wasn’t looking for a companion but a compliment. I have always thought that is the best goal for a relationship. This may be perhaps one of the most important aspects of life to be discerning with. I have made some pretty bad choices and pray constantly you will be smarter and make better choices than I ever did.

Lately I feel I have hit a wall. I see what will be, however, it seems I can’t make any progress. I have a handful of women praying for me this past week. They think maybe God is telling me I need a period of rest (the whole back thing) to prepare for those awesome things. Yesterday at church it seemed God spoke to me almost immediately upon entering the doors through a song. I think I am just empty and need some filling up…..praying the Holy Spirit will fill me up with a new song. The past 6 months with the pregnancy, then adding a new baby, then my back issue, then the baby being sick this past week…my tank is empty. Pastor Ed was praying and commented about following God in the fog. It was like in the cartoons when you see the light bulb above the head. That is it, I feel I have been following God in the fog. I know He is there, I just don’t see His direction so clearly. I’m squishing through the mud trying to accomplish the mundane to get closer to my goals and dreams. I know my direction is right, I’m just not sure exactly what the road signs say. So, for now, I will be following God in the fog, reading my Bible though the words at time just don’t click, and taking this time to just chill.

Vahn leaning over and kissing the baby, “she smells poopy”.

Chandlur, “welcome to mom’s world!”

Sound: screaming and crying

Reason: Vahn and Cozette are laying in the bathroom on towels to go to bed.

What?! Why?! Glad you asked. See we live in a two story town home. Their room is on the second floor. For the second time in a few weeks they have opened the window and stood in it. A few more minutes of leaning and I’m sure they would fall down to the pavement. What’s a mama to do? The consequence…one gets the tub and the other gets the floor. I’m sorta nice, at least they each get to lay in a towel and thankfully I keep it pretty clean. Think they learned? I sure hope!

I am constantly amazed that God trusted you with me. I pray every day I am worthy to raise you, to teach you the lessons to accomplish your purpose in this world, to love you the way you deserve to be loved, and to let you love life. I believe God has put me on this earth to be your mommy. I feel blessed to know my purpose in life so early on and hope you get that opportunity too. I know each of you has a special purpose in this life.

Chandlur, when you were in my tummy, I knew God created you for something very special completely outside of myself and the situation you saved me from. I have no idea what it is, however, I am very excited to see as you grow up. Your natural knack for sports and love of music make me wonder if you will be a star someday.

My Zettie, I knew after I had you, you were something special. You are our miracle girl, even the doctors say that. It is a miracle that you are alive and better yet, you have no long lasting problems. Your sweet body saved the life of your brother and sister. I believe this family has been created for greatness. You are here to raise the next generation to even more greatness. You have such a maternal instinct I love to watch.

Vahn, you crack me up everyday. You remind me of exactly what your daddy would have been like when he was your age. We think you may have the gift of giving or kindness. You are always sharing what you have and being incredibly thoughtful. Are you going to bring a smile to people’s face much like your daddy? Watching how your brain works and your love of books, reminds me of Uncle Scotty’s brains which I hope you got. Oh my sweet Chicken!

My little Flamingo girl, Adalyn, I sure did go through a lot to bring you into this world. Everyday is certainly worth it. You are a child all of your own. You are so different from any of my other babies. We think you want to make your mark. When we thought we had it figured out, you throw us a curve ball we have to figure out. When you were in my tummy I had a vision of you. You were in your late teens with beautifully dark, silky, long hair. You were absolutely beautiful! You threw your head back, opened your mouth with perfect white teeth, and laughed a loud infectious laugh. This caused those around you to laugh too. We can already see you are going to be a people person.

As I always tell you, no matter how old you will be, you will always be my babies. Each of you is so different from the rest. We can see each of your strengths and weaknesses and it’s incredible they are all so different. I cannot believe how lucky I am, and I hope I am around many, many years to meet your grandchildren.

Usually God and I get along. Right now…I am sooo angry at Him. I get the fact I needed to slow down and eliminate some things. I am a good wife and listened to my hubby who recently suggested that. Do I really need to be pretty much incapacitated though? I have to take oxycodone just to be able to move. Why God did you have to mess up my back so bad? I have just started to get back to exercising and getting my life in a rhythm. Now, I can hardly move, I can’t be the mom I want to be nor care for myself how I want. All I can do is sit in this damn rocking chair. I can’t even sit on the couch because it makes my back worse. I keep crying because I am so incredibly frustrated and feel guilty not being able to care for my kids how they need. Come on God, can’t You give me a break?? It has already been 5 days!

It never ceases to amaze me how the older you get, the quicker life seems to pass you by. The baby no longer looks like a newborn, she is now a baby. Yesterday was her 2 month birthdate. It seems like I just had her, at the same time it seems she has always been a part of our family. For those who doubted my decision to have another, our family would have been forever empty of her sweet presence. She just fits and that’s how I know she was meant to be ours. I just hope and seek wisdom to be worthy enough to raise her (I guess that is the prayer with all my kids). She has gotten the name flamingo. When Kevin holds her up to talk to her, she keeps one foot down and the other she puts back like a flamingo. In the last few days she has gotten quite talkative. She goes on and on like she is telling you an incredibly important story. She also is started to turn her head and make eye contact when the kids come up to talk to her. We think she will be a people person because when she is awake, she wants to know someone is close by or she lets out this little sound that is so feminine and too cute (this really high pitch “oow oow oow”). Her favorite thing to look at, my huge bookshelf. She stares and stares at it. Perhaps a smarty pants and book lover?? Miss Addie is even a great sleeper. She goes about 7 hours at night until she needs to eat, eats then goes about another 4-5 hours. I feel so blessed and honored that God has entrusted me with this beautiful person.

Sometimes God gives me a little glimpse into His sense of humor. Why else do we fart? On Monday I had a doctor appointment. I had to take some nice drugs so my sister had to take me. Before we left, for some reason Vahn had bandaids in his pocket. He gave one to me and wanted me to put it in the diaper bag in case I needed it. He is such a sweet guy! We got to the office, I sat down in a chair, and slipped off my shoes. Grace looked down and said my foot was bleeding. I took out a baby wipe and cleaned it up. Grace reminded me of the bandaid. After it was cleaned up, I put the bandaid on. One of those simple times when God reminds me He will always take care of me even if its as simple as a cut on my little toe. Thanks God!

Have you ever stopped to think how other people view your life? Not in some “I don’t care what people think of me” attitude. I’m talking about things like your house, your clothes, your kids…that kind of thing. I walked into someone’s house the other day and began to wonder how people view me and my house. Do they feel peace or chaos when they walk in the door? Do they think it’s as cluttered as I feel it is? Are they as in love with my bookshelf as I am? Does my house “go” together or does it feel like some stuff purchased at a garage sale and thrown together? I then started thinking about how my kids are, my appearance, my lifestyle and such. It always cracks me up when someone meets Chandlur then the other kids at a later time. They are always surprised at how calm the others. I guess they expect all my kids to be exuberant (good choice of words huh?) as he. I periodically look at my life to see if I’m the elusive Debbie Downer. People who are constantly negative and complaining drive me nuts (sometimes that person is myself). It’s not that I care how people view me to a certain extent (I always want to put my best foot forward of course), merely curiosity. I always enjoy getting into people’s head and viewing life through their eyes. I think it also can be good to view your life as an impartial third party. There can be great perspective. I guess that’s what therapists are for. It sure is a lot cheaper if you can do it for yourself:)