When my house can’t be clean enough, I know I am out of control.  It seems the more out of control my world is, the cleaner my house is.  I know many would be envious, but seriously with 3 small children?  It takes lots of energy.  I am beginning to feel that right now.  That is my indicator that I need to chill and take some deep breathes.

I feel like there is just so much chaos right now, I can’t deal with it all.  It seems we are going a mile a minute and I am exhausted.  I know quite a bit has to do with my pregnancy and all that goes into it.  Then there is Kevin’s career change.  Unfortunately he didn’t make any money last month cuz of it all so we are left being financially creative (my brain is tired and hurts!).  Then there is just the usual with having a kid in school, and keeping the younger two entertained.

Saturday it all caught up to me and I just couldn’t pull myself together all morning until I called a girlfriend to chat.  I thought either I would murder my husband or have a nice welt on my forehead where I repeatedly kept banging it.  Perhaps, even Kevin might have come home and found me rocking in a small corning while the kids kept hitting repeat on the movie.  So, last week….I had my IVIG on Wednesday as usual, then I found myself back up near the hospital for my routine doctor’s appointment which I had to drive to by borrowing my MIL’s car while she watched the kids because Kevin had some training.  On my way home (yes, just about all the way home), my phone rings.  I have to turn around, go back to the hospital because they are waiting for me in radiology.  I had to call my MIL and make sure she had the extra time.  I go back to the hospital and get my PICC line.  I was so nervous, I was close to tears and my hubby was unreachable.  I got laid on an operating table while they worked away on my arm.  I am now the proud owner of a PICC line in my left arm.  After it was put in, I had to wait while the nurse figured out where I was to go the next day for my dressing to be changed.  It would be on Saturday and the usual places wouldn’t be open.  That was a process!  Thankfully the nurse was amazing and wouldn’t take the answers she was getting.  After a while of waiting and the nurse stalking the doctor’s office to fax orders, I was sent down to Infusion to make the appointment.  Saturday, Kevin’s usual training was extended (of all days, right?)  He was going to leave early then decided to see if his folks could bring Chandlur back early and I again could use their car to go back to the hospital.  I got to Infusion and had a looooong wait.  I guess there were only 2 nurses and they had quite a few people who needed assistance all at once.  When I got home (an hour later than I thought I would), we had a little party for Chandlur (I can’t believe I almost have a 6 year old!).  I snuck out and went to have a Jamba Juice with my girlfriend then ditched my fam and went to her house for some yummy dinner.  Then of course Sunday was Super Bowl so we went to church, had naptime, then went to some friends house.  Yesterday I was EXHAUSTED!!  I could hardly muster the energy to do the laundry.  Then today, we made a trip back out toward the hospital for an ultrasound and an appointment with the perinatalologist.  Tomorrow, we get to go back for my first IVIG with my new PICC line and a much needed rest.

Kevin just came home after an interview at a call center.  Now, a new kink to figure out.  He got the job.  He is going to have to work a J.O.B. for the next few months until his new business is up and running.  Can I go cry in the corner now?  Maybe I should give in to my craving tonight and get a Jamba Juice.

To those who visit me, sorry for the long silence.  The last half of December and first part of January have been a crazy time for our family.  I have started my myriads of doctor’s appointments and weekly IVIG visits to the hospital.  Also, my hubby is making a career change and that has been some chaos.  Then we had a snow storm, no internet for a couple weeks, now our laptop has decided to stop working (I had an update post for this blog on it too!! ggrrr).  Can’t a girl get a break?  With Kevin working from home now, that only leaves us one desktop computer.  It got pretty boring this week for treatment (9 hours with a book and t.v whahoo.)!!  Hopefully mr. laptop will be fixed soon and my online world will be reconnected (it has been some serious withdrawals!).  Thanks to all you who come by and visit.  I promise I will begin posting with regularity again.

We have gone a few weeks without internet then life has gotten chaotic and busy.  Here’s a catch up….

During our snow storm right before Christmas, we got stuck at Kevin’s folks.  It was nice because they live on a dead end, have a small hill to sled down, and a yard to make snowmen.  We enjoyed being stuck there more than at home because of that.  We had a foot and half of snow!!  It was crazy!  By the fifth day, it was time to leave so we braved the icy roads (with chains) and headed for home.  The ice ruts were deep.  We couldn’t believe how long it took us to get home.  The storm turned our 2 week winter break into 3 weeks.  Getting stuck in Carlton I think was the only thing that saved me with Chandlur.  He is a busy guy and constantly wants to go places.  Our extreme extrovert!  For Christmas he got a DS (my mom got it, a carrying case, and quite a few games from the lost and found at her work!  How awesome is that?  He has been asking the last 2 Christmases for one.) from my folks which kept him occupied for the last week he was home.

That last week was pretty boring and quiet.  I had no internet and began rearranging/cleaning our home.  It amazes me how much we don’t have and yet we are always giving to the Goodwill.  We turned our toy room into an office and moved all the toys, rearranged our living room and kitchen, cleaned out all of the closets, and went through all of our baby stuff.  We are close to completing this mission and boy does it feel good!

Kevin is now near the end of completing a career change.  He will now be working from home.  It has been a chaotic time getting it all figured out and dealing with the logistics.  I think though he will be much more successful then he was able to be at Farmers.  We are both really excited for this new venture.  I think I may be involved as well.  I really feel God calling me to get the licenses I need and work alongside him at least part time.  Also, if something were to happen to him, I can take over his business.

Now, to the other little bean who is growing.  I started my weekly IVIG treatment last week.  My orders got mixed up and I ended up in a different place than normal.  I had a horrid reaction to the procedure and was miserable the next 3 days.  They didn’t give me any fluids with it, I was sitting instead of lying, and they turned it up dosage really fast.  I became severely dehydrated and had pain on the side the IV was in.  It was horrid agony for those few days!  Today was my second treatment.  I am back up in maternity and even have the same nurse I had last time.  I love her!!  Hopefully this weekend will treat me better than last weekend!  This has been part of our crazy few weeks.  I see 2 doctors so I have had my normal appointment as well as a couple with the perinatologist, and my usual ultrasound.

Drum roll please…….it’s a girl!  Kevin and I had a sense it was.  Even the kids always refer to the baby as a she.  Going through all the baby clothes makes me excited cuz Cozette has some adorable clothes.  I have 2 Care Bear suits which I am so jazzed about being used againJ.  As far as a name, that may be a little while longer.  There is a name Cozette is stuck on so we shall see.

Vahn has been too incredibly cute.  Randomly he will come up to me and say “mommy, I wuv your baby”.  He even on occasion, will hug my belly and say he is giving my baby a hug.  I like to hear his sweetness so I provoke him sometimes.  I will say “Vahny, I love you and your baby”, or quietly say “I love your baby”.  He smiles his dimply smile with his head cocked sideways and his eyes have closed, and says “Nooo mommy.  I don’t hafe a baby.”  Then of course he says he loves my baby.  Sometimes he even will tell me “Nooo mommy.  Boys don’t hafe babies.  Only gills have babies.”  and he chuckles.

I know I haven’t written in awhile.  This little one in my belly is causing a  severe case of lethargy and a mild case of nausea.  The dishes don’t get done every day as they usually do, the laundry has been known to sit on the couch an extra day before being folded, and the kids have been loving chicken nuggets.  Thank goodness they like veggies and salad!

Life has been humming along.  As of last week I have begun my many doctor visits.  I had my normal ob visit and my first with the perinatalogist.  We talked about what the protocol will be for my treatment.  He said somethings have changed in the last 3 1/2 years.  I will probably only have to have one cordosyntesis at 32 weeks instead of one also around 20-24 weeks.  That brought a smile to my face because that procedure freaks me out.  I knew NAIT was rare, however I don’t think it really sank in.  He told me he has treated 6 women with this in the last 20 years, and 3 of those were while he was at university!  He is supposed to be a specialist too!  It hit me how rare this really is.  I was reading some material from a yahoo group I am a part of.  Not until the mid/late 80’s was there much successful work done on this condition.  Reading the reports was very sobering.  I didn’t realize how new this treatment and recognition of NAIT is.  Just one generation back and I would only have one child with my other kids dying soon after birth.  I couldn’t imagine my life without a house full of kids.

On a lighter note, I will be having “the” ultrasound on January 7th along with the usual appointment.  I have to go back on the 8th for my visit with the perinatologist.  We are going to nail down the exact protocol.  We are pretty sure what it will be but he wants to check the medical journals so he has the most updated info.  Also I started feeling a little bean movement at the end of week 16 (about a week and half ago)!

I guess Chandlur has babies on the brain. First I have to figure out how to explain about the man in Bend who is pregnant again. How confusing for a little kid! He looks like a man and he is going to have baby. After a pause trying to figure out what to say, I told him, he really is a girl but looks like a man. Whew, he took that. Then a little while later, THE question. “Mommy, how do babies get in mommies tummies?” O crap, another long pause figuring out what to say. I told him when a mommy and daddy get together. Whew! He took that and didn’t ask anymore questions. One of those questions you know is coming but are completely caught off guard when it happens.

I had my first appointment yesterday. The nanny’s son was sick so we took the whole gang. It always starts with her feeling me up. Thankfully no pap since I had one last May. She was feeling the baby and making sure the date of my last period was right. I was relieved to know I’m not crazy for not fitting in my clothes already at about 13 weeks. She thought I felt bigger than I should for being this far along. Of course Kevin had to joke about twins again. Since I have been so sick and am already to big for my clothes, we have been joking about twins. While she was getting the ultrasound machine set up, she was thinking twins too. She only saw one baby (whew) and it was measuring about right. Although, Kevin is convinced there is a twin hiding behind the baby. We will get a better view next week. She said maybe I am just carrying really high. I have a full on ultrasound next Friday to check the size/gestation of the baby. The baby has a nice robust heartbeat (another whew). I am kinda glad the kids were there. I didn’t think they would be as excited as they were. The kids thought it was super cool to see the baby on the machine. Chandlur even wanted a picture to take to school today. My doctor printed an extra one for him to take (and that’s why I love her so much!). We were asking them on the way home what they thought the baby was and they all said a sister. I think it’s a girl too. Last week Kevin said he thought it was a girl too. We will find out the end of December if we have another sister or brother (just as long as she isn’t as tough as Cozette’s first year!).

Chandlur came home today and said “I showed my teacher the picture of your beautiful baby, mommy.” Aaawww enough to melt your heart:)

We all have great break up stories whether you are the dumped or the dumpee. However, I think poor Lola takes the cake and then some. She is dating a prominent politician in Ireland who has been compared to JFK Jr. He is THE most eligible bachelor. One morning she goes to get the paper and splashed on the front page is the announcement, Paddy de Courcy, her boyfriend, is getting married. The girl isn’t even very pretty, they call her horse face. As she sinks deeper and deeper into devastation, she begins making ghastly mistakes in her business and personal life. What girl doesn’t want to camp out on your now ex’s door step until he will explain things to you? After much convincing from her friends, she leaves the city and takes a break. Only to find she has become a safe haven for the local trannies, they take over, and end up having tranny Fridays at her house. Better yet, she even begins to fall for one of them!

Then we meet Marnie who believes her lot in life was to be the depressed twin. She is melancholy and melodramatic. Not to mention an alcoholic who hasn’t yet passed the first step, admitting. She looses her marriage, her job, and even her precious daughters. I kept wanting to reach inside the book and shake her. I wanted to tell her to stop being whiny! Whiny and I just don’t get along. She and Paddy were teenagers in love. She was even more melodramatic as only a teenager can be. She never really got over him.

Then we have Grace, her twin. She is the strong, no nonsense reporter. She is determined to save her sister. She is certainly that loyal friend, you always want on your side. She too has a history with Paddy. Unfortunately her sister, the more beautiful one, Marnie, in the end won him over. Although, a couple years back, she did have another run in with him.

This Paddy guy. The public sees him as charming and charismatic, hence the title, This Charming Man. In Grace’s quest to save her sister, she finds out she isn’t the only one who has been caught in his web. These women find themselves addicted to him, then left battered and beaten, literally. It seems a cigarette burn on the palm of the hand is his signature. All through the book, you get glimpses of the selfish, horrible man Paddy really is. When I read a book, I get involved. I found myself screaming at him. I dated a man just like him, and wish these men would just fall of the earth. Anyways, I will step off my soapbox. If you have ever had an experience with this kind of man, you have to read this book! It is therapeutic in a way.

Marian Keyes is amazing at taking serious and personal subjects, adding in some heart, and sprinkling on some humor. This is one of the reasons I like her books so much. Her characters are people you can imagine in your life, and some you probably know well.

Reading this whole book (563 pages) is worth the last portion where one of Grace’s friends, a prominent politician in the same party, gives it to Paddy. Just as private was his torture of these women, was as public as his consequence. I was laughing and cheering so loud, my husband asked what I was laughing at. It is probably the best ending of a book I have encountered. Dee Rosini sticks it to him! Go get This Charming Man by Marian Keyes to root Rosini on too.

When Kevin is gone a lot, the kids act out.  I know it’s probably a combination of missing him and my attitude.  On Wednesday at dinner I asked Cozette why she was kept being mean and crying all the time.  Without skipping a beat she said “because I miss daddy”.  I was speechless.  It never ceases to amaze me how smart my kids are.  I know she is certainly an intuitive girl, however, I was shocked.  What do you say to that??  All I could come up with is “mommy misses daddy too”.  The kids continued with dinner as if nothing was off.  They constantly amaze me!!

I know I have been quiet the last couple weeks.  I am trying to get some rhythm restored in my life now that I’m working part time for Kevin and starting my doula business.

When I began this blog, I knew I would be completely honest about my life and feelings.  Last week was a very, very trying week.  Kevin was working late most nights, and I was worn out!  Wednesday he was supposed to be home around 6:30.  When 7 rolled around, I called him a few times.  I was ticked to say the least.  I keep telling him if he is going to be later than he says, send me a quick text.  He told Chandlur he would be home to help him with his homework and paint this model house his teacher had given him.  Finally at about 7:45 I got a text he was leaving.  He had told me he had an appointment at 5:30 which wouldn’t take too long.  I was so upset because the kids needed to go to bed and he wouldn’t be home in time.  He broke a promise to Chandlur, and this was the last time I was going to deal with this crap.  I keep telling him the same thing if he is going to be late and he chooses not to be respectful.  I was so incredibly upset.  After I put the kids down I was bawling.  He has no respect for me and broke a promise to Chandlur.  When I first married him, he was a different guy than he is now.  Over the past year or two, I have seen him becoming more and more like my father.  Wednesday, the flood gates opened.  I even texted him that I was about to say don’t bother coming home.  This is the first time I have ever been so upset I don’t even want him in the same house.  I see where my life is heading just as when I was younger.  It was completely overwhelming.  I told Kevin I refuse to allow our family to become like the one I was raised in.  My mom somehow accepted it, however, I told Kevin, I wouldn’t.  I can’t.  I refuse for my kids to have a judgmental, distant father and a mother who is physical and yells because she is overwhelmed and angry all the time.  Of course, he apologized like he always does.  The next day he acted like nothing happened.  I guess only time will tell if he really gets it.  I know right now I am a little guarded.  I refuse to let this become routine.

I have also been working hard on my business plan for my doula biz.  I want to make sure I set it up right to be successful.  I should hopefully be done with it this week and build the site.  I am hoping to have at least one client in December then really hit it hard in January.  It’s amazing how big this is getting.  While doing the business plan, more ideas and concepts keep coming up.  I can really see this being business with many other women and support staff.  It’s pretty exciting!  This is why I want to really want a solid plan.