I Shannon am a bookaholic. I have always loved books; however, a couple years ago I realized I’m an addict. My hubby asked that I stop buying so many books and begin to get more familiar with the library. Being the good wife, I obliged. I am allowed at the book store on limited, agreed upon times. I recently was allowed when a book I wanted was on a waiting list so long, it would be a least a year before I would get it. Walking into the store, taking a deep breath, I swear I got a high. All monetary reason left my brain. I couldn’t pass up the bargain section. I found a book, cheap, by one of my all time favorites, David Baldacci called The Collectors.

For me, Baldacci is like curling up with a nice warm bowl of homemade Mac n’ Cheese, pure comfort. When I was young, I would often escape reality with a mystery. Who doesn’t love Trixie Belden or the Hardy Boys?

Four men have formed the Camel Club. Think of them as men who are the conspiracy theory type with good evidence supporting their theories. A couple of the men have shady pasts which hint they might know more than the average person about what goes on behind the closed doors of the government. The men begin to suspect something when the director of the Library of Congress’s rare books room is found dead in the library. He was found by Caleb who is a member of the Camel Club and works in the rare books room. When the men started to be followed, they suspected Jonathan’s death was more than of natural causes. More people turn up dead. One member, Oliver, is tortured. A few times, the members swear someone is trying to kill them. Add into the mix Jonathan’s ex-wife who is a con and is escaping from her biggest con yet. She shows up at the funeral and wants to use her skills to help the men. These men get good use out of their survival skills and crack the biggest spy ring the government has been investigating.

Baldacci always has so many twists and turns, you are kept guessing until the end, and many times to the last page. If you are a fan of CSI/Law and Order type of shows, or the conspiracy theory type yourself, you will love The Collectors.

Over the last month or two, I keep getting these little nuggets that keep me going.  I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.  Today I had another little thing that made me smile and pat myself on the back.  I subscribe to google alert for ideas for my blog.  Basically, you input keywords and every day or so you get a report back on sites with info on that keyword.  The spiders have finally crawled my blog! My latest entry on nursing bracelets showed up on the list!  I know it is a small thing, however, it’s one of those little carrots that keeps me positive.  I just had to share my excitement:)

We have been doing a switch-a-roo of computers between the office and home this week.  I had to figure out how to get the wireless router to work.  Thankfully we have an old tower to plug it into!  It’s nice, now the laptop is primarily mine and I can sit on the couch again while on the computer.  The desktop is now at the office which has greatly improved my productivity at the office.  I bring in the laptop so we don’t have to share a computer anymore.  I was reminded of how nice and lazy I can be without ambition.  I got to take a nap each day and still feel like I was getting stuff non computer related done.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to not have any personal goals and dreams.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard and my brain wouldn’t be swarming with things on my to do list.  On the flip side, I think I would be pretty bored and probably depressed with the daily grind.

Last night I broke down and had a good cry.  I have moments where I get so overwhelmed, all I can do is ball.  I let it out and move on to what needs to be done.  I’m a pretty big dreamer and ambitious.  I am also married to a big, ambitious dreamer.  Sometimes that is awesome, and sometimes, not so much.  On top of his insurance career, he is beginning 2 other side businesses.  That along with me working for him, my doula goals, writing dreams, and blogging ambitions has got my brain on overload.  Did I mention, I am at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy?  I have no idea how I am going to get through this pregnancy with how busy Kevin is going to be.  That’s pretty much why I lost it last night.  I remember how I was after I started treatment when I was pregnant with Vahn.  The day of the treatment and the next day, I was pretty much worthless.  It took a lot out of me.

I am reminded again how I can only take life one day at a time.  All God give us is this moment and we are to be good stewards with the time.  Which means, along with my own goals, I must live in the moment with my children.  God has it all under control.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel.  I get it God!  Really, I do!  When I go crazy, will you remind me of this post?  I want to love the life I live (most days I do), and live in the moment (that will always be a work in progress).

What a week!  I have been so busy, I have hardly been on my computer in almost a week.  Saturday I was out in Newberg at a women’s tea with my mother-in-law, then we had an interview with our new nanny that evening.

Sunday, after church, we helped with the set up for Tunnel Night.  Tunnel Night is tonight which we will be leaving for shortly.  The purpose of Tunnel Night, is an outreach to the jr high and high schoolers.  We create our own haunted house, or in this case dungeon to scare the crap out of these kids.  See, church can be fun and cool too!

Monday was my first day to work in almost 6 years!  The very first time I have left my kids with a stranger.  I was home for about an hour and a half, then we had to pick up Chandlur from school.  Then we dropped them off with my dad and went to a wedding.  We ran into old friends which was really cool to catch up.  Besides the fact, I couldn’t have any ‘adult’ beverages, it was a really fun time.  I got to catch a glimpse of the fun me before kids.  She gets to come out every now and again.  It reminds of who I really am and it’s refreshing.

Tuesday I after work, I had to take a nap.  I was so exhausted and not feeling good.  We had pancakes for dinner because I just couldn’t be active very long without wanting to puke.  The rest of the night, I was lazy and just watched t.v.

Today, working and Tunnel Night.  Kevin is going to be the dungeon master/butler guy who ushers them into the castle.  I am pretty excited!  Our nanny, Destiny, even folded my laundry today!  Oh happy day!

I told Kevin that this comming weekend we better not have much planned.  This mama needs a break.

People keep asking me how it is going back to work.  I just tell them, check back with me in about a month.  Maybe it really hasn’t hit me because I have gone into the office to help before.  The only difference, more adults and no kids.   It’s not too bad because Kevin is my boss.  Today I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks we can get into a rythme and I will be more comfortable with the system and insurance process.  Thankfully I know some from things he has said before.

I’m off to get ready to leave the house, yet again!

A nanny.  When I hear that word, I think hoity toity.  Welp, these poor folk are hiring one (at least we won’t be broke much longer!).  Since I am going to be “working” for Kevin, somone has to watch Cozette and Vahn.  I think they could manage by themselves, however, I don’t think the neighbors would see that as teaching them survival skills.  Not to mention the cleaning crew that will have to be called in daily.  After calling around, we discovered hiring a nanny would in fact be cheaper than us driving our kids somewhere.  Imagine that!  I feel so posh saying we are hiring a nanny.  At the same time I am terrified.  Since having Chandlur 5 1/2 years ago, I haven’t worked outside of these walls.  I’m not worried for their safety as much as the time I spend with them.  Also, if I don’t feel good in the morning, no more being lazy.  I guess it’s giving up a little of my freedom so Kevin can go out and make more money, not having to worry about the admin side of things.  I keep telling myself they are 3 and 4 plus it will only be for about 3 hours 4 days a week.  The 5th day will be library story time and maybe coffee time or cheeseburgers.  Just time for them and me.  I will miss them for those few hours, however, it will be nice to be back in the grown up world:)

It’s funny how life is so cyclical.  For awhile, I get bored, then I am busy busy.  We are going into the busy season again.  It is beginning to hit me, the commitment in life I have made.

I am determined to have my own identity.  I am beginning my journey of a birth doula, a postpartum doula, and a breastfeeding counselor.  My writing career is beginning to go somewhere.  I am a contributing editor for Posh Mama and have my first review up at Hip Mama’s Place.  This along with my blogs and marketing myself on this big ‘ol wide web.  I also have a passion for teens because of the crap I went through.  I am about to become very involved in this way.  I also am going to be working part time for Kevin as his sexcratary (how cool I get to sleep with the boss!) which means right now we are looking for childcare.

It is beginning to hit me the commitment Kevin has made to be a successful insurance agent.  We have huge dreams and goals.  He is the man of the house and feels he needs to provide for those.  It is amazing to see how he has gone from barely getting by and watching many of his fellow agents leave and find “real” jobs to receiving a nice bonus because of his hard work.  The past almost month he has worked 10-12 hours a day.  It has been tough for me managing everything without much of his help.  It is an internal struggle because I know this is what he must do to get where he wants to be.  At the same time, I’m puking out my brains and making corn dogs or pancakes for dinner (so happy they like salad and raw veggies!).

It seems the kids require more time and energy the older they are getting.  I work with Cozette and Chandlur almost every evening learning to write their name, letters/sounds, and math/counting.  My goal for Cozette is to have her reading by the time she hits kindergarten next year (she is just about to start sounding out words).  Unfortunately we are pretty sure Chandlur has some kind of learning disability which makes Cozette a little bit ahead of him.  He is amazing me with letter recognition and sounds, however, he seems to struggle putting it all together.  He still cannot write his name (the letters are jumbled and many times backwards) which is frustrating for me trying to teach him.  He says he is trying his best.  Yesterday he said his teacher told him he wasn’t the best writer and he told her he was trying his best.  I am starting to see the beginnings of shame and negative self talk.  We have conferences in a few days so hopefully we can have him tested through the school.  The place we want to take him won’t test until they are 7.  I don’t think I can wait another year and half.  It just breaks my heart!  Then we are looking for childcare for Cozette and Vahn so I can work for Kevin in the mornings.  I am also going to start taking them to story time at the library once a week.  Both of them are book lovers just like mama.  It is soo cute listening to them try to read books.  We are also finalizing our insurance stuff which has been a task in and of itself.  It also reminds me of the time and effort my pregnancy is going to take because of NAIT.

I am starting to get that feeling that there is stuff to do and things keep getting pushed to the next day because I don’t have the energy to finish all that is on my list for the day.  I am beginning to see how busy our lives are going to become as my business grows and our kids start participating more in sports and school activities.  I have times where I ask myself “What did I get myself into?”.  At the same time, I have never been one people call lazy.  It is impossible for me to sit still (don’t they say fidgety people are less fat than their counterparts?  I can only imagine how much more fat I would be!) which drives my hubby nuts.  People think I am crazy for all I take on, I call myself driven.

I am another statistic of sexual abuse.  I have over time become OK with that.  There was a time when hardly any of my friends knew, I was ashamed.  It was in my family and I felt if I said anything, I would shame my family.  When I was pregnant with Chandlur and my parents pretty much shunned me, I realized, it didn’t matter.  See, I was molested by my older brother who is about 3 years older than I.  I just feel sorry for him because I can see he lives in his own prison, a tortured soul I call him.  I really blame my folks.  They put all their time and attention into making sure he was taken care of and his life was as normal as possible.  I wasn’t the only victim, and thankfully one of them was braver than I.  She told her parents.  When it all came out, the already shaking bottom, fell.  I went into a free fall for about 10 years after that.  It was a horrible time for me.  I had no support and no one to talk to.  It was like my parents forgot I was there unless they needed me to watch my younger siblings so they could help him.  Without going into tons of loooong details, I became lonely, depressed, tried to kill myself, and generally hated life.  Even when my folks were told about all of this, they did nothing.  I somehow picked myself up and made a good life for myself.  It wasn’t until after I had Vahn 3 1/2 years ago that I sought help.  I was suffering from really bad postpartum depression and my doctor told my hubby, if I didn’t make the call that day, he was to drive me to the therapist’s office.  It all was a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes, it is a struggle because I do see my family a couple times a month.  However, I now feel whole.

For this reason, abuse is near and dear to my heart.  I recently came across this site, Teddy Tour.  I even wrote a message from my teddy to the world (I told my hubby and he even left me an awesome message.  Gosh, I’m lucky!).  If you are a survivor (please, don’t call yourself a victim), please, create your own teddy!  The more your story is told, the less of a hold it has on you.  Go tell your message!

We teach patriotism in our house.  To Kevin and I it is very important.  Our kids have a book which they read teaching them about the presidents.  They even know quite a few by picture.  They love flags.  We talk about history in little kids terms when it comes up in conversation.  Last night when the debates were on, I told the kids it was about the next president, it was very important, and they needed to be quiet or go to the playroom so I could hear it.  Chandlur was playing around and would listen off and on.

About 3/4 of the way through, he turns to me, “Mommy, I like his voice”.

“You like the way his voice sounds?”

“Yeah Mommy, I like his voice better than the other one.”

If it were up to this 5 year old, he would be voting for McCain.  Does he care about foreign policy?  Nope.  Does he care about health care?  Nope.  He cares about the important stuff, how his voice comes across.

Last Thursday was one of those days you want to crawl back in bed, pull the covers to your nose, and wait until midnight strikes for a new day.  I found myself bawling over a bathroom floor covered in toilet water.  See, my son Vahn is a mischievous one and always is interested in how things work and cause and affect (is that a correct sentence?  there are too many and’s I think. oh well.).  Sometimes its hilarious and sometimes, well, not so much.  I thought he was going potty, however taking a little too long.  I yelled at him to get out of the bathroom (many times he plays at the sink with stuff).  I then hear water running, like the sound of the bathtub being turned on.  I yell at him to turn off the water and proceed to the bathroom for a chat about not fooling around in the bathroom (again).  I get to the bathroom and he is nekkid and trying to gingerly walk through the water so as not to slip.  It had already started flowing out of the bathroom.  I quickly went and turned the water off, then got a couple towels to stop it from coming out any further.  In my low, scary, mommy only uses it when she is about to blow up voice, I told him to go upstairs.  I didn’t trust myself to be around him.  I was already on the brink of overwhelmed due to some stuff I told my hubby I would help him do (that’s what you get for trying to be a good wife).  After the towel was put down, I sat in the doorway of the bathroom and bawled, and bawled, and bawled some more.  I resolved to scrape this stuff back on my hubby’s plate.  It has just become lead in my pocket.  I think because my heart really isn’t into it, and it seems to be just one more thing to commit to.  Anyways, after I wiped my slobbering mess, I had to clean the bathroom and do a couple loads of laundry of clothes (there was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor now wet with toilet water), rugs, and towels.  Apparently this sweet son of mine, piece by piece, placed a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flushed.  Aaahh the joys of a curious little boy.

I love God’s sense of humor sometimes.  My hubby had just got paid for the month and wanted to do something nice for me.  I talked to him and cried my whoas later in the day.  He told me he had some extra stuff for me to do the next day after my appointment.  I sighed, more crap to do.  He said I would like it.  He came home that night with an appointment to get a mani/pedi (it doesn’t matter how busy a place is, they always remember me because he is the one who makes me appointments, and I think I have found my favorite place) and a gift card for my favorite little coffee shop.

On friday, I went to my appointment, bought a book, went to Ava Roaseria’s for lunch and coffee, then went to get my nails all prettied up.

Whenever I get really frustrated with Kevin, it seems he does something which then makes me feel like a shmuck.  The funny thing is, I don’t tell him I am frustrated and he has no clue.  He will just show up with something nice like flowers or a gift card for coffee.

I love my computer, I guess more or less being online.  Staying at home all day doing the same thing every day can get tedious.  Technology and I have had a love hate relationship.  I love it when it’s being on its best behavior.  When it’s naughty, oh man!  Our printer…… It drives me crazy!  I guess the worst part, I am short.  Who cares, you may say.  It’s up high and when something is wrong, I can’t see the message it’s telling me.  I have to stand on a chair and tip the thing forward, hoping it won’t fall.  For awhile we have had no idea why the thing won’t print.  I think we finally figured it out, the toner or the ink, whatever that thing is called.  See I am really great at all the online stuff.  When it comes to the workings of an actual computer, I have to shrug my shoulders and Google it.

Speaking of computers, I want a laptop!  We had one a couple years back and it broke.  I am forced to sit in an uncomfortable chair and do all the work that needs to be done.  I think with the money I have started to make, I am going to save for an one.  I think putting it on my Christmas list may cause my hubby some laughter.  His business has begun to really take off so maybe, just maybe?  We already have a wireless router plugged in and ready to go when he brings his laptop home to do some work.  We actually had it since our last laptop.  Kevin thought a desktop would be better.  Man, I should have insisted on a laptop when we got this thing.  I really want the kids to have a computer to use also.  They push lots of buttons and such and I cannot afford my only link to the outside world to be messed up.  Nor can I afford some of my documents to be lost in computer space.  I really like the Apple Notebooks and its features.

Aaahhh, fond memories.  Whenever I hear about Apple computers, I am forced to reminisce.  Back in the late 80’s, our house was one of the coolest on the block.  We had an Apple IIe.  We thought we were hot stuff because we had a computer.  It was great, ya know, the green screen and all.  Oh, and the printer.  When I look back, I am forced to giggle.  I went from making and printing farm pictures and banners, to now creating my own sites.  Whew, technology.  It’s amazing!