Miss Adalyn has been with us for 6 weeks now. It seems like she has always been here and yet it seems like she was just born yesterday. For the most part she is a really good baby. She loves to stare at our huge book shelf (another book lover perhaps?). The recovery is going so much better than I could have hoped for, especially since the beginning was a little touchy. After about a week or so I was back to cleaning a little. I just cannot stand a messy house! After a month I was back to my weights and walking (another 2 weeks and I will be back to running). Other than being sleep deprived and falling asleep at 7:30 some nights, I don’t have too much to complain about.

Now that my brain is beginning to get back in the game after a few months of time off, I am back to feeding my own soul. I am beginning to get that restless feeling again in my life. Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for my walk. I had to quickly leave before I burst into tears. I am starting to not like who is staring back at me. There is so much I want to do with my life and so many goals I have that I almost feel overwhelmed. I have my hands full with my family and am struggling with that age old quandary we stay at home moms have, juggling the family while finding time to pursue our own lives. I struggle with not having the support I wish I had. Some roads I feel God calling me down scare the piss out of me. On my walk tonight, I felt God saying, “You are a strong woman. You have overcome much harder things.” I know what God has for me, I just need to step out in faith. As I’m typing this, I am getting teary eyed. Perhaps fear of overcoming some huge mental roadblocks, or maybe the sadness of where I have allowed life to go. I have let someone else take that control for the first time in my life, and they have failed. I keep making excuses and new deadlines. After my walk today, I realized I can no longer be making excuses. In my life I am determined to break family cycles of poverty, emotionally absent relationships, denial, bitterness, being judgmental, and oh so many more.  I have come to realize these are my battles most have been overcome, some are always going to be on going, and one I am having a rough time getting on top of.  Whatever Kevin chooses is on him, good or bad.  The only person I can control is myself.  Therefore I must make choices to propel myself toward my goals and not worry about where he is in his life. I just don’t know how to proceed, or shall I say the first step. I know God will provide that info because I am seeking. I know that in my weakness God is strong. As always He will come through and provide me all I need to meet those goals.  My biggest prayer is for continuing courage to greet this head on and no shrink away in fear.

We have been doing a switch-a-roo of computers between the office and home this week.  I had to figure out how to get the wireless router to work.  Thankfully we have an old tower to plug it into!  It’s nice, now the laptop is primarily mine and I can sit on the couch again while on the computer.  The desktop is now at the office which has greatly improved my productivity at the office.  I bring in the laptop so we don’t have to share a computer anymore.  I was reminded of how nice and lazy I can be without ambition.  I got to take a nap each day and still feel like I was getting stuff non computer related done.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to not have any personal goals and dreams.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard and my brain wouldn’t be swarming with things on my to do list.  On the flip side, I think I would be pretty bored and probably depressed with the daily grind.

Last night I broke down and had a good cry.  I have moments where I get so overwhelmed, all I can do is ball.  I let it out and move on to what needs to be done.  I’m a pretty big dreamer and ambitious.  I am also married to a big, ambitious dreamer.  Sometimes that is awesome, and sometimes, not so much.  On top of his insurance career, he is beginning 2 other side businesses.  That along with me working for him, my doula goals, writing dreams, and blogging ambitions has got my brain on overload.  Did I mention, I am at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy?  I have no idea how I am going to get through this pregnancy with how busy Kevin is going to be.  That’s pretty much why I lost it last night.  I remember how I was after I started treatment when I was pregnant with Vahn.  The day of the treatment and the next day, I was pretty much worthless.  It took a lot out of me.

I am reminded again how I can only take life one day at a time.  All God give us is this moment and we are to be good stewards with the time.  Which means, along with my own goals, I must live in the moment with my children.  God has it all under control.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel.  I get it God!  Really, I do!  When I go crazy, will you remind me of this post?  I want to love the life I live (most days I do), and live in the moment (that will always be a work in progress).

Moments like these erase the whiny morning and the sibling rivalry. i believe in speaking into my kids (i.e you are kind, gentle, thoughtful, brave etc.) and dream building with them. In our house we talk a lot about what they want to be when they grow up. After naptime i was snuggling my youngest (3 in 10 days). In the past he has said he wants to be a doctor who fixes cars (can you guess his favorite movie?) or a police officer. Today i asked if he wanted to be president of the United States (we have a president book we read and they memorize), he nodded no. Do you want to be a police officer? Again, nodding no. Do you want to be a fire fighter? Nodding no. Do you want to marry a rich girl so you can sit and watch t.v all day? An enthusiastic nodding of yes.