I just finished reading Genesis 21 and 22.  I was only going to read my one chapter for the day but God kept prodding my heart to continue.

Our sweet Chandlur has some issues we are in the process of seeking help for.  He has some serious developmental delays which makes school a tough time and home life chaotic at times.  Thankfully we have some resources we are finally able to seek out for him.  Even as I type this I have to stop and wipe my tears.  This whole subject is very emotional for me.  I know I am not to blame at all, however, as a mother, I do.  This is the only area of my life I play the what if game.  What if my life during pregnancy wasn’t so stressful?  What if I didn’t go back to that abusive relationship?  What if my parents had been more supportive?  What if he didn’t have to have the vacuum during birth?  What if….What if….What if….I am his protector, how can I not blame myself?

When I was pregnant with him, God spoke to my heart.  This little guy is going to accomplish great things above and beyond me.  He is going to touch thousands of lives.  God has a very special purpose for him.  On the hard days I cling to that promise like a child clings to their favorite blankey when they are scared.  Prayer is the thumb I suck.  I love that kid so much it hurts sometimes.  I see him struggle and it hurts my heart so much.  It kills me to say I can’t handle it anymore.  As a mom I am supposed to be able to take of my kids and provide for them.  I just can’t give him what he needs anymore.  It kills me to say I need serious professional help for him now.

Genesis 21:1 — God’s promises are always true.  I cling to this aspect of His character so much and in so many different parts of my life.  Verse 2 — God has perfect timing.  He has it all under control.  He knows the big picture and I must trust in that.  Verses 15-21 — God takes our mistakes and bad choices and redeems them.  They turn into these magnificent pieces of God’s character.  Chandlur redeemed me in so many ways.

I was about to close my Bible and notebook when the prodding to keep going wouldn’t go away.  Genesis 22 is about Abraham taking Isaac out to sacrifice him.  God wanted to see how much Abraham trusted him.  I need to give up Chandlur and place him wholly in God’s arms.  I am being required to trust God like never before.  It has been really stressful lately because Chandlur’s issues are becoming worse and more defined.  How do u discipline a 6 year who forgot 2 minutes ago you told him not to do something?  It’s like he is an infant and you are having to lovingly say no and remove them or the object.  You think he should know these things, but his brain doesn’t work that way.  I need to give up complete control of him and trust God’s promises are true.  He will heal Chandlur and Chandlur will go on to touch many.  I need to rest in the fact, it is all how it should be.  God is in control.  I need to do the best I can and God will take care of the rest.  There is a reason God chose me to be his mommy.

God, I release Chandlur wholeheartedly into Your hands.  I know You have promised great and mighty things through him.  Keep guiding me to the right tools to help him get there.  When I can’t go on or feel like bursting into tears, grant me Your amazing strength.  Thank you that Your grace is sufficient and Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank you that You speak in the right moment and restore our hope.

We have been blessed with some money from a very generous neighbor.  They gave us money so Chandlur can be officially a Baird.  About 2 weeks ago we had to go into the lawyers office and sign the petition.  We had all the kids in tow.  Afterwards we talked to Chandlur about what we were doing.  He was so funny.  He had no idea and didn’t really seem to even care.  We tried to explain to him that his name will be changed from Hodgson to Baird.  He said “Oh, like the name my teacher calls me?”  We said yes.  If you ask him his full name, he will tell  you Baird (he can’t even pronounce Hodgson).  We have brought it up to him a few times since and he acts like it’s no big deal.  His nonchalance cracks me up.  In about 2 months or so he will be official and no more of this name crap!  He sees no difference in context to his family, however, when he has to pick out a face color, he tends toward brown.  For instance, his favorite GI Joe has a brown face, when asked to color himself, it’s brown.

Maybe someday he will be curious or maybe not.  Who knows.  I thought at this point he would be asking questions.  I think it’s so cute how he doesn’t seem to think twice about being different.

Speaking of adoption……Mr Spiegel is an adoption attorney and gave us info on adopting.  Since I was a teenager I knew I wanted to adopt.  After looking over it all, the bug has bit HARD!  Much like the baby bug hits me.  It won’t be for awhile though because we need more space.  Maybe in a couple years……

Last night at dinner
Chanldur: daddy, ya know those things with the strings on them?
daddy: sorry Chan, i have no idea what you are talking about.
Chandlur: hhmm i don’t either daddy.