I know I have been quiet the last couple weeks.  I am trying to get some rhythm restored in my life now that I’m working part time for Kevin and starting my doula business.

When I began this blog, I knew I would be completely honest about my life and feelings.  Last week was a very, very trying week.  Kevin was working late most nights, and I was worn out!  Wednesday he was supposed to be home around 6:30.  When 7 rolled around, I called him a few times.  I was ticked to say the least.  I keep telling him if he is going to be later than he says, send me a quick text.  He told Chandlur he would be home to help him with his homework and paint this model house his teacher had given him.  Finally at about 7:45 I got a text he was leaving.  He had told me he had an appointment at 5:30 which wouldn’t take too long.  I was so upset because the kids needed to go to bed and he wouldn’t be home in time.  He broke a promise to Chandlur, and this was the last time I was going to deal with this crap.  I keep telling him the same thing if he is going to be late and he chooses not to be respectful.  I was so incredibly upset.  After I put the kids down I was bawling.  He has no respect for me and broke a promise to Chandlur.  When I first married him, he was a different guy than he is now.  Over the past year or two, I have seen him becoming more and more like my father.  Wednesday, the flood gates opened.  I even texted him that I was about to say don’t bother coming home.  This is the first time I have ever been so upset I don’t even want him in the same house.  I see where my life is heading just as when I was younger.  It was completely overwhelming.  I told Kevin I refuse to allow our family to become like the one I was raised in.  My mom somehow accepted it, however, I told Kevin, I wouldn’t.  I can’t.  I refuse for my kids to have a judgmental, distant father and a mother who is physical and yells because she is overwhelmed and angry all the time.  Of course, he apologized like he always does.  The next day he acted like nothing happened.  I guess only time will tell if he really gets it.  I know right now I am a little guarded.  I refuse to let this become routine.

I have also been working hard on my business plan for my doula biz.  I want to make sure I set it up right to be successful.  I should hopefully be done with it this week and build the site.  I am hoping to have at least one client in December then really hit it hard in January.  It’s amazing how big this is getting.  While doing the business plan, more ideas and concepts keep coming up.  I can really see this being business with many other women and support staff.  It’s pretty exciting!  This is why I want to really want a solid plan.