Miss Adalyn has been with us for 6 weeks now. It seems like she has always been here and yet it seems like she was just born yesterday. For the most part she is a really good baby. She loves to stare at our huge book shelf (another book lover perhaps?). The recovery is going so much better than I could have hoped for, especially since the beginning was a little touchy. After about a week or so I was back to cleaning a little. I just cannot stand a messy house! After a month I was back to my weights and walking (another 2 weeks and I will be back to running). Other than being sleep deprived and falling asleep at 7:30 some nights, I don’t have too much to complain about.

Now that my brain is beginning to get back in the game after a few months of time off, I am back to feeding my own soul. I am beginning to get that restless feeling again in my life. Tonight I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for my walk. I had to quickly leave before I burst into tears. I am starting to not like who is staring back at me. There is so much I want to do with my life and so many goals I have that I almost feel overwhelmed. I have my hands full with my family and am struggling with that age old quandary we stay at home moms have, juggling the family while finding time to pursue our own lives. I struggle with not having the support I wish I had. Some roads I feel God calling me down scare the piss out of me. On my walk tonight, I felt God saying, “You are a strong woman. You have overcome much harder things.” I know what God has for me, I just need to step out in faith. As I’m typing this, I am getting teary eyed. Perhaps fear of overcoming some huge mental roadblocks, or maybe the sadness of where I have allowed life to go. I have let someone else take that control for the first time in my life, and they have failed. I keep making excuses and new deadlines. After my walk today, I realized I can no longer be making excuses. In my life I am determined to break family cycles of poverty, emotionally absent relationships, denial, bitterness, being judgmental, and oh so many more.  I have come to realize these are my battles most have been overcome, some are always going to be on going, and one I am having a rough time getting on top of.  Whatever Kevin chooses is on him, good or bad.  The only person I can control is myself.  Therefore I must make choices to propel myself toward my goals and not worry about where he is in his life. I just don’t know how to proceed, or shall I say the first step. I know God will provide that info because I am seeking. I know that in my weakness God is strong. As always He will come through and provide me all I need to meet those goals.  My biggest prayer is for continuing courage to greet this head on and no shrink away in fear.

We have been doing a switch-a-roo of computers between the office and home this week.  I had to figure out how to get the wireless router to work.  Thankfully we have an old tower to plug it into!  It’s nice, now the laptop is primarily mine and I can sit on the couch again while on the computer.  The desktop is now at the office which has greatly improved my productivity at the office.  I bring in the laptop so we don’t have to share a computer anymore.  I was reminded of how nice and lazy I can be without ambition.  I got to take a nap each day and still feel like I was getting stuff non computer related done.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to not have any personal goals and dreams.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard and my brain wouldn’t be swarming with things on my to do list.  On the flip side, I think I would be pretty bored and probably depressed with the daily grind.

Last night I broke down and had a good cry.  I have moments where I get so overwhelmed, all I can do is ball.  I let it out and move on to what needs to be done.  I’m a pretty big dreamer and ambitious.  I am also married to a big, ambitious dreamer.  Sometimes that is awesome, and sometimes, not so much.  On top of his insurance career, he is beginning 2 other side businesses.  That along with me working for him, my doula goals, writing dreams, and blogging ambitions has got my brain on overload.  Did I mention, I am at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy?  I have no idea how I am going to get through this pregnancy with how busy Kevin is going to be.  That’s pretty much why I lost it last night.  I remember how I was after I started treatment when I was pregnant with Vahn.  The day of the treatment and the next day, I was pretty much worthless.  It took a lot out of me.

I am reminded again how I can only take life one day at a time.  All God give us is this moment and we are to be good stewards with the time.  Which means, along with my own goals, I must live in the moment with my children.  God has it all under control.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel.  I get it God!  Really, I do!  When I go crazy, will you remind me of this post?  I want to love the life I live (most days I do), and live in the moment (that will always be a work in progress).

Growing up I was a bookworm.  My world was tumultuous and books were where I found solace.  I could escape into this amazing world where there were no limits.  In 4th grade, we made those simple little books.  The ones where you cover and color a piece of cardboard.  Then, the teacher takes it and binds the cardboard and the pages for you.  This love of books and the fun of writing have followed me.  Ever since that little 4th grader began to see her thoughts on paper, I have held secret dreams of writing.  For over ten years, I have dreamed of putting my life into print.  My life is a story of hope, of never letting go of your dreams, of finding solutions when none seem present, of personal healing, and of being so desperate I tried to kill myself to know loving my life.  Since becoming a mommy, I have vowed to never loose site of who I am.  I don’t want to be a mother completely tied to her children’s identity because first, I am Shannon.

Over the last year and a half or so, I have gone on a journey.  It started with some piddly selling on eBay and creating La Boutique de Vogue.  Now, it has completely morphed into something I never could have dreamed which is Vogue Mum.  My focus has changed from selling to writing.  I have even begun making money doing it!  This last week, I received an offer to be a contributing editor for Posh Mama.  I am beyond elated and certainly humbled.  I had to submit a book review as my “resume”.  I was incredibly nervous because the last time I have been “graded” for one was back in high school.  You never know how someone will take your writing style.  It was so well received, I was offered the position and asked if I wanted to do something else also!

It has always been in the back of my mind, however, I never thought it possible.  I am at the beginning of seeing a successful career from this. I feel like I am at the beginning of this dream I have held in my heart since being a little girl writing about how her bunny got fat.  As with this adventure with La Boutique de Vogue, I know one thing for sure.  This writing adventure will have many twists and turns and morph into something I never thought possible.

*Be forewarned, this is some raw emotion. However, i am sure some can relate*For those who know me, know i am a crier. i cry when i’m happy, when i’m sad, when i’m touched, when i’m angry…you get the picture. Well, tonight is another fresh burst of tears. i feel like i am beginning to get lost in the shuffle and barely keeping my head above the water called Shannon. My hubby wanted to take his hand at his own business. Yea for him, unfortunately some stuff happened and we aren’t sitting as pretty as planned. Instead, for the first time in my life i feel guilty for buying hair dye (i have been dying my hair since i was sixteen and have never had roots like these), even for buying face wash! i am not sure how much more sacrifice i can give. i have already taken on a few day care kiddos (besides my own 3), and now Kevin is going to have to get a part time job for extra income and benefits. i have had to put any dreams for Vogue Mum and my doula services on hold indefinitely. How much longer do i put up with this?! i have begun to feel so isolated. i have anywhere from 3-6 kids 5 (one who doesn’t listen and a baby who needs quite a bit of attention) and under, no car (we only have one car), and no money. What’s a girl to do? i know i am the only person i can control.

In the middle of this post, my hubby comes home. i of course and now bawling. After some conversation (half of which me hardly being able to talk from bawling so much), he came up with an idea. He is constantly amazed at how much i know (i don’t think so on a daily basis until i actually sit, sit? You mean with no distraction of children or my brain? hhmmm i guess that’s really only when it’s me and my running shoes, wait, that’s not sitting, crap!). He had an idea of teaching a class on making money blogging. Within the past few months i am surprised at how well my business blog, Rock Star Maternity has done.  Yes, i have made some money.  Not earth shattering, but i have:)  i first began with OSI Rock Stars, and what a great base.  After i had the foundation and idea, i ran far and free.  When i stop and think about all the various resources and info i have, i am amazed!  Now i have another company to add under my La Boutique de Vogue.  i have Vogue Mum, Rock Star Maternity Blog, The Domestic Engineer’s Union, and my doula biz (i am still deciding on the name so i can’t release it yet, you understand right?), now i have to come up with another name and business plan.  i joke about running my 10 companies.  i guess it just like the Secret (a concept i got a long time before thanks to some great mentors), you attract what you speak.  THAT’s why i have a mocha baby, growing up i thought how romantic it would be to have a black baby (this damn brain of mine! If you know where the off position is will you let me know?).  i constantly envision my dream life which i vision my children in 10 years or so.  i know we will get there, its just this crap we have to go through first to be more relatable i suppose.  It just hit me, 10 businesses in 10 years.  i better get crackin’!!