I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Last night at prayer group, God really spoke. I am currently in freak out mode over the church changing. When I am angry, worried, hurt, etc., I freak out, cry, and have crazy conversations with myself. It doesn’t last long, I collect myself and create a plan of attack. I know it’s all good and definitely in God’s plan, I just have issues with churches and christians. I thought I was over it all, however, I guess I need some more healing. Long ago, our family was kicked out of a church because of the poor choices of one of our family members. It was a horrid time for me and I was left with no one at all to turn to. I have finally found a church with pastors I can trust and people who show me what a christian is supposed to be. Now, all that is changing. I know it’s no accident for my life. Maybe this is part of the wall of needing to be filled up and chilling. I know once this freak out mode is past, all will be well again. I think in the end things will be even better then they were.

God speaks to one of the ladies in our prayer group through pictures. When I am “free” of the crap of my life (all my wounds healed), I see myself as a zebra running through the plains and the Savage Garden song “Animal Song” blaring. This is something I shared with her a few years ago when we were creating these books of who we are. Last night she saw that zebra galloping by itself. Then she saw that zebra in a herd with all the strips overlapping so you couldn’t tell one zebra from another. She isn’t sure what it means, nor am I. This is what I have to meditate on…..what is God trying to tell me? After she told me this, I said when she was praying for me, I was reminded that I usually run. I think this time God is really saying to stay and heal. This is the time. I have a support group that will be there for me. Maybe it’s time to deal with my fault line of “I don’t matter”. I believe everyone has a fault line….that one message they tell themselves even from childhood and build their lives on to over compensate for that feeling. Maybe now is the right time for me to really heal and deal. The plates have shifted, the earthquake is here, and my house of cards is tumbling down upon itself.

So much to ponder in this sleep deprived brain………….

i start each pregnancy already with a fear of NAIT (our Cozette is a miracle). Now all other pregnancies are going to be clouded by the fear of a miscarriage as well. Now talking to other women about miscarrying, i keep hearing “I never thought it would effect me in this way”. i share the same sentiment. i thought i could just move past it without much thought. It’s amazing the attachment a mother has to her baby even when it is simply a mass of cells. i feel very fortunante to have an amazing man by my side who was my rock and carried me through. i had a D & C (my doctor calls it a dusting and cleaning) and a few days later found myself in the ER. Through the whole time, i cried to God that one word question “Why??”. Wasn’t me having to deal with NAIT enough??
This is what i was taught. After all isn’t life a series of lessons to make ourselves better people thus helping others to be better people too?
1. At one point i had a good 10 women surrounding me praying for me. They were there because they loved me, not because of what i contribute or do, BUT because of who i am! That was huge for me!
2. i am about to venture into the career of a Doula and now have a new calling/mission to accompany that career. Not to mention the burn to begin school is much hotter than before.
3. i have a new respect and love for my hubby.
Peace came when i saw this picture. Kevin’s grandma died 2 years ago and she was on amazing woman! The kind you want to be like when you grow up. i saw this little toe head toddler about 2 or 3 from behind. He was running out of a bright white light. Grandma Bev reached out her hands to pick him up. He ran into her arms, she kissed his head, and spun him around. They were both giggling. This is what i wrote on my Myspace page: May 20th 2008 My baby’s birth was written in the Book of Life but right before that, God whispered and said, “I have greater plans for your mommy, and your great grandma has been asking about you. You are so special that I still need you near Me little one.” After that, i felt he needed a name, i have named him Lincoln. When i get to Heaven i will be able to giggle and swing Lincoln around too.