I have grown to love yoga.  What amazes me even more is that almost always I am sore the next day.  My favorite yoga teacher reads a passage from The Book of Awakening just about every session.  Sometimes it speaks to me, sometimes it is just a nice reading.  Today it spoke.  Tonight is was about really feeling.  We spend so much time covering ourselves up.  There was a line that said something to the effect under every anger is a hurt.  I almost cried.  A light bulb went off.  I keep getting angry at Kevin because I sacrificed so much for the last 6 years so he could try to start different businesses.  Now it should be my turn.  Unfortunately I haven’t gotten that same sacrifice.  He struggles to do the small things I ask.  A stay at home mom is the equivalent to 2 full time jobs in and of itself!  I have made my health a priority and have been working out at least an hour 5-6 days a week.  To top it all off, I have finally gotten the courage to start my business, Organic Baby Birth Services.  I have been putting A LOT of time and energy in schooling/learning and all the stuff that comes with starting a new business.  I have been working my ass off!  While I am proud of where I am physically and with my business, mentally I struggle.  Anger seeps in, some days exhaustion threatens to take over.  I sacrificed so much for Kevin, why can’t he sacrifice for me? He has started talking about going to school to finish getting his degree.  I keep asking him, when is it going to be MY turn?  Why am I the one who has to remember everything with the kids?  Why am I the one who has to constantly clean the house (have you ever tried to keep up with an adventurous, inquisitive 1 year old?)?  I keep asking for what I need and for whatever reason, it doesn’t happen.  I could go on.  I struggle very much with keeping bitterness at bay, enjoying the moment, trying to let go.  Some days are better than others.  Tonight I realized why I get so worked up over this subject of sacrificing.  I haven’t ever had anyone really fight for me.  There was a time where I was fighting just to live and almost lost that battle.  Even at that point, no one fought for me, no one.  I have never had anyone really go to battle for/with me.  I have been forced to be quite a lone ranger with brings its own issues with it.  I am angry because I am hurt.  I am hurt because I had hoped when I got married that finally I would have someone to fight with/for me.  I guess it comes down to expectations.  This reenforces my quest I have been on the past couple weeks, how can I give to myself that which I hoped to get from someone else.  Its like I can now move on to that step because I understand where the feelings come from.

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

Today was the first official day of school in our house (unless you consider preschool).  We all walked Chandlur out to the bus stop, and i almost cried (i kept myself in check though with some hard swallows) .  We kept having conversations if he was nervous about anything.  In typical Chandlur fashion, and emphatic no. He got on the bus and waved proudly with the biggest smile i have seen from him.  He is now a big boy who gets to ride the school bus.

i forgot today and tomorrow they are out 25 minutes earlier than normal.  i was watching the clock to get him from the bus stop.  All of a sudden he came bounding into the house.  He proudly told me how he walked in the bark chips(there isn’t a side walk) and walked close to the trees.  He also had an uneaten lunch. hhmm i was trying to get out of him why.  All i can understand is that somehow he got lunch at school and the teacher said not to bring his lunch??  Maybe they have a new program of free food??  Wait, that would mean higher taxes.  Ok, maybe not a great idea.  He also had papers to give to his teacher (permission slips and such).  At first he said he gave them to the bus driver, then he said he put them on the counter (at home), then he said his teacher got them.  The reliability of a 5 year old, oy!  Another question for the teacher.  Geesh, i don’t want to come off as a helicopter parent for this poor lady.

All in all sounds like he had a great day and is excited to go back tomorrow.  i hope when conferences come around, i don’t get the “disruptive” notification.  He loves to talk and is easily distracted.  i guess i can’t expect much more from a 5 year old boy who loves life?