God has yet again put me in my place.  I was reading this morning about the tower of Babel in Genesis 11.  Verse 6 talks about God putting a stop to it because if they finished it, they would think they could do anything.  At first I was confused.  God is supposed to want us to succeed, right?  This isn’t the God I know.  Then upon some reflection and nudging from God, I got it.  He was saving them from further heartache.  If they succeeded in building this, it would have been a longer road coming back to God because they would have felt they could do anything.  We need God plain and simple.  I need God.  The harder I try to do things on my own, the more difficult and frustrating it becomes.

You know those times when people say God doesn’t answer prayer.  This morning I can tell you for a fact He does.  I prayed that He would remind me when I’m being independent instead of dependent on Him.  A few heart beats later He just slapped me upside the head and said “DUH!”.  See, lately I have been feeling distant from God.  I have been reading my Bible most mornings and praying throughout the day.  All the usual things I do.  There has just been a disconnect for some reason.  I thought it was something else, as a matter of fact I was almost convinced it was.  I have started my doula business.  I so desperately want it to take off for selfish and unselfish reasons.  There has been so much to accomplish and I have felt like I am battling uphill.  It is because I have been (now the tears are coming).  Instead of being dependent on God and where He wants my business to be, I have been independent and pursuing where I want it to be.  I know for a fact I will be successful in this.  God has shown me the future.  I must pray through everything and seek His will even down to the silliest little administrative detail.  I know it will go much smoother and I will need to expend less effort.  Which means more energy and time for my family.

God, I am so sorry I have been seeking my own agenda.  I know from experience, life’s successes are empty without You.  You have placed a calling on my life and I am not doing You proud.  You know how much I desire to hear those words when I get to heaven “well done good and faithful servant”.  Please restore Your rhthym in my daily life and stir up that joy that has started to tarnish.

A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

If only I knew then what I know now…….

To my girls:
*Watch the movie “He’s Just Not That In To You”!
*Boys will say anything to get into your pants.
*If you have to excuse any of his behavior….run!
*He should always be kind, gentle, and a man of integrity. I knew your daddy was a great man when he would call me first out of the blue, or he would follow through when he said he was going to.
*If a man truly wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be there.
*Only be with a man who is worthy of your amazing spirit and heart. Don’t give your heart away to any man less than wonderful. Each time you give your heart away, that is less of a piece you can give to your future husband. It is a piece which will take time to heal. There are no take backs when you give your heart away.
*He must make you feel special. Not just special at the moment he is with you, but always and everywhere. *Never be with a man to try and change him, rescue dating.
*Don’t put into a relationship more than you are getting back.
*If he keeps asking for money, tell him God didn’t create you to be a sugar mama.
*As with anyone, pay more attention to their actions then what they have to say.
*Find out if they have ambition in life. If their only goal is to be king of the trailer park, drinking cheap bear on the porch (I really did have a friend who said this)…..please run. Only be with a man who has goals and dreams.

I know it may be hard, but please listen to me when I don’t like a boyfriend. I have experienced the good, the bad, and the complete asshole. I DO know what I’m talking about, really. Realize having a boyfriend isn’t why you are on this earth. It doesn’t give you your identity. I had a boyfriend tell me once, he wasn’t looking for a companion but a compliment. I have always thought that is the best goal for a relationship. This may be perhaps one of the most important aspects of life to be discerning with. I have made some pretty bad choices and pray constantly you will be smarter and make better choices than I ever did.

Two nights ago i realized how many lessons running teaches.  i realized why it appeals to some and not to others.  Chandlur has been asking for a while now to go running with me.  When i go in the morning that is me time and i don’t want to be distracted.  Finally, i decided to take him as an extra evening workout.  i had no idea how he would do.  We walked more than we ran and it was only about 1/2 a mile, however, it was fantastic.  Chandlur even said when we got home, he wanted to go again.  Along the way i talked to him about the little tricks i use when i get tired and don’t want to continue.  i was always the chubby one in the crowd and far from athletic.  He is incredibly athletic and far from chubby (its impressive what he can pack away!!).  To be able to bond with him over this sport is priceless for me.  The Olympics have been on quite a bit in our house this last week and a half.  Running has been the only sport he really got into and watched completely enthralled.  This mama’s heart swells with pride.  Maybe he will pick up the running bug too and we can have great times lacing up our shoes and going for a run together.

The lessons running has taught me:

• Discipline-if you slack off, you have to build your endurance up again.
• Positive Self Talk-when i get tired, i tell myself “ok, we are almost there “,  “just a few more feet”,  “to the pole, to the pole, to the pole”….you get the picture.
• Goal Setting-every week i go a little bit further than the previous week.  Also, acheiving a goal that is tuff.  Right now, it’s that huge hill comming back down Oleson.  i force myself to get to the top and boy does it feel wonderful, instant gratification from my goal.  Whew, makes me out of breath thinking about it.
• Self Confidence-knowing what i can/have accomplished.
• One bad time can’t get me down-There are times when my run for the day didn’t go well.  i have to assess why and not beat myself up.  The next one will be better.
• i am a role model-It’s humbling knowing how much my kids look up to me.  They all want to go running when they get older.
• When i quiet my brain, i can be inspired-When i have a problem and need enlightenment, or i need inspiration for a current project, i set my intention and take off.  All of a sudden it will come to me when i am only focused on my breathing.

i know i will never be a running superstar, however, i still can be in my own head.