A continuation of my journey of friendship as I like to call it…..  It is always interesting to me how God gives us a little at a time to chew on then a little more.  Just recently in my Bible reading I was in the book of Luke.  It was the story of a man who was putting on a banquet.  He sent out his servants to tell those invited the banquet was ready.  Each of them made lame excuses why they couldn’t make it (free food and they don’t want to go??).  The thing is, these people already knew about this feast and agreed to come previously.  The frustrated host had all this food and no one to eat it.  He sent his servants out to the streets.  He ordered them to invite basically those undesirable and destitute people.  In that story, God spoke to my heart.  I know what you are thinking; I’m one of those undesirables.  That story took me back to dreaded high school.  Thankfully that time in my life only occurred once.  I am not here to be friends with those who already have a clan to depend on.  I am called to be a friend to those like me who weren’t jocks, cheerleaders, or nominated to be prom king/queen, nor will we ever achieve popularity of any kind.  As far as the specifics, I’m not sure who God has in mind to come to my banquet (the one my hubby will cook haha).

Last week at prayer group one of the women was talking about combat in the spiritual sense and her own personal journey.  It struck me that one reason I AM on this journey is because I am closed.  There is only so far I will open myself up to a person.  It has taken many years even in marriage to open up, and even then…sometimes…..there is much in my head and heart that stay there.  The times in my life I have been vulnerable have ended with some serious scars.  I guess maybe that is at the essence of this journey.

What a week!  I have been so busy, I have hardly been on my computer in almost a week.  Saturday I was out in Newberg at a women’s tea with my mother-in-law, then we had an interview with our new nanny that evening.

Sunday, after church, we helped with the set up for Tunnel Night.  Tunnel Night is tonight which we will be leaving for shortly.  The purpose of Tunnel Night, is an outreach to the jr high and high schoolers.  We create our own haunted house, or in this case dungeon to scare the crap out of these kids.  See, church can be fun and cool too!

Monday was my first day to work in almost 6 years!  The very first time I have left my kids with a stranger.  I was home for about an hour and a half, then we had to pick up Chandlur from school.  Then we dropped them off with my dad and went to a wedding.  We ran into old friends which was really cool to catch up.  Besides the fact, I couldn’t have any ‘adult’ beverages, it was a really fun time.  I got to catch a glimpse of the fun me before kids.  She gets to come out every now and again.  It reminds of who I really am and it’s refreshing.

Tuesday I after work, I had to take a nap.  I was so exhausted and not feeling good.  We had pancakes for dinner because I just couldn’t be active very long without wanting to puke.  The rest of the night, I was lazy and just watched t.v.

Today, working and Tunnel Night.  Kevin is going to be the dungeon master/butler guy who ushers them into the castle.  I am pretty excited!  Our nanny, Destiny, even folded my laundry today!  Oh happy day!

I told Kevin that this comming weekend we better not have much planned.  This mama needs a break.

People keep asking me how it is going back to work.  I just tell them, check back with me in about a month.  Maybe it really hasn’t hit me because I have gone into the office to help before.  The only difference, more adults and no kids.   It’s not too bad because Kevin is my boss.  Today I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks we can get into a rythme and I will be more comfortable with the system and insurance process.  Thankfully I know some from things he has said before.

I’m off to get ready to leave the house, yet again!

It’s funny how life is so cyclical.  For awhile, I get bored, then I am busy busy.  We are going into the busy season again.  It is beginning to hit me, the commitment in life I have made.

I am determined to have my own identity.  I am beginning my journey of a birth doula, a postpartum doula, and a breastfeeding counselor.  My writing career is beginning to go somewhere.  I am a contributing editor for Posh Mama and have my first review up at Hip Mama’s Place.  This along with my blogs and marketing myself on this big ‘ol wide web.  I also have a passion for teens because of the crap I went through.  I am about to become very involved in this way.  I also am going to be working part time for Kevin as his sexcratary (how cool I get to sleep with the boss!) which means right now we are looking for childcare.

It is beginning to hit me the commitment Kevin has made to be a successful insurance agent.  We have huge dreams and goals.  He is the man of the house and feels he needs to provide for those.  It is amazing to see how he has gone from barely getting by and watching many of his fellow agents leave and find “real” jobs to receiving a nice bonus because of his hard work.  The past almost month he has worked 10-12 hours a day.  It has been tough for me managing everything without much of his help.  It is an internal struggle because I know this is what he must do to get where he wants to be.  At the same time, I’m puking out my brains and making corn dogs or pancakes for dinner (so happy they like salad and raw veggies!).

It seems the kids require more time and energy the older they are getting.  I work with Cozette and Chandlur almost every evening learning to write their name, letters/sounds, and math/counting.  My goal for Cozette is to have her reading by the time she hits kindergarten next year (she is just about to start sounding out words).  Unfortunately we are pretty sure Chandlur has some kind of learning disability which makes Cozette a little bit ahead of him.  He is amazing me with letter recognition and sounds, however, he seems to struggle putting it all together.  He still cannot write his name (the letters are jumbled and many times backwards) which is frustrating for me trying to teach him.  He says he is trying his best.  Yesterday he said his teacher told him he wasn’t the best writer and he told her he was trying his best.  I am starting to see the beginnings of shame and negative self talk.  We have conferences in a few days so hopefully we can have him tested through the school.  The place we want to take him won’t test until they are 7.  I don’t think I can wait another year and half.  It just breaks my heart!  Then we are looking for childcare for Cozette and Vahn so I can work for Kevin in the mornings.  I am also going to start taking them to story time at the library once a week.  Both of them are book lovers just like mama.  It is soo cute listening to them try to read books.  We are also finalizing our insurance stuff which has been a task in and of itself.  It also reminds me of the time and effort my pregnancy is going to take because of NAIT.

I am starting to get that feeling that there is stuff to do and things keep getting pushed to the next day because I don’t have the energy to finish all that is on my list for the day.  I am beginning to see how busy our lives are going to become as my business grows and our kids start participating more in sports and school activities.  I have times where I ask myself “What did I get myself into?”.  At the same time, I have never been one people call lazy.  It is impossible for me to sit still (don’t they say fidgety people are less fat than their counterparts?  I can only imagine how much more fat I would be!) which drives my hubby nuts.  People think I am crazy for all I take on, I call myself driven.

I know I have been quiet this week.  I have been nursing the worst migraine I have had in years.  It has lasted a few days and finally died this morning.  I have been working on getting my house back in order.  It’s about half way there.  Maybe tomorrow I will finish it up.  A messy house drives me CRAZY!  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  My sweet hubby told me to take it slow, however, when it comes to my environment, I just can’t.  I always ask him how he would feel if his office looked like a pig sty.  He always smiles and bows out gracefully.  I know he means well, and I love him for it.

I also have begun another blog, Apex of Health.  It is mostly finished but not 100% yet.  I have some posts up so go check it out and tell me what you think.  I have loved writing since we had to write books in 4th grade.  I just need to make sure I keep them all straight:)