Usually God and I get along. Right now…I am sooo angry at Him. I get the fact I needed to slow down and eliminate some things. I am a good wife and listened to my hubby who recently suggested that. Do I really need to be pretty much incapacitated though? I have to take oxycodone just to be able to move. Why God did you have to mess up my back so bad? I have just started to get back to exercising and getting my life in a rhythm. Now, I can hardly move, I can’t be the mom I want to be nor care for myself how I want. All I can do is sit in this damn rocking chair. I can’t even sit on the couch because it makes my back worse. I keep crying because I am so incredibly frustrated and feel guilty not being able to care for my kids how they need. Come on God, can’t You give me a break?? It has already been 5 days!

I got my first, “mommy you are beautiful”!  I hear “I love you” often.  Or sometimes Cozette will tell me I am pretty when I get dressed up.  Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I wasn’t feeling good at all (I only drank half my coffee which shocked my hubby and had to take a Zolfran) and I was incredibly tired.  My morning was spend in and out of conscienceness lying on the couch.  At one point Vahn came up to me and started petting my face.  He then said “mommy, you’re beautiful”.  He gave me another few strokes and ran over to daddy.  He is such a sweet kid, some woman is going to be very lucky someday!

Vahn has been too incredibly cute.  Randomly he will come up to me and say “mommy, I wuv your baby”.  He even on occasion, will hug my belly and say he is giving my baby a hug.  I like to hear his sweetness so I provoke him sometimes.  I will say “Vahny, I love you and your baby”, or quietly say “I love your baby”.  He smiles his dimply smile with his head cocked sideways and his eyes have closed, and says “Nooo mommy.  I don’t hafe a baby.”  Then of course he says he loves my baby.  Sometimes he even will tell me “Nooo mommy.  Boys don’t hafe babies.  Only gills have babies.”  and he chuckles.

Growing up I was a bookworm.  My world was tumultuous and books were where I found solace.  I could escape into this amazing world where there were no limits.  In 4th grade, we made those simple little books.  The ones where you cover and color a piece of cardboard.  Then, the teacher takes it and binds the cardboard and the pages for you.  This love of books and the fun of writing have followed me.  Ever since that little 4th grader began to see her thoughts on paper, I have held secret dreams of writing.  For over ten years, I have dreamed of putting my life into print.  My life is a story of hope, of never letting go of your dreams, of finding solutions when none seem present, of personal healing, and of being so desperate I tried to kill myself to know loving my life.  Since becoming a mommy, I have vowed to never loose site of who I am.  I don’t want to be a mother completely tied to her children’s identity because first, I am Shannon.

Over the last year and a half or so, I have gone on a journey.  It started with some piddly selling on eBay and creating La Boutique de Vogue.  Now, it has completely morphed into something I never could have dreamed which is Vogue Mum.  My focus has changed from selling to writing.  I have even begun making money doing it!  This last week, I received an offer to be a contributing editor for Posh Mama.  I am beyond elated and certainly humbled.  I had to submit a book review as my “resume”.  I was incredibly nervous because the last time I have been “graded” for one was back in high school.  You never know how someone will take your writing style.  It was so well received, I was offered the position and asked if I wanted to do something else also!

It has always been in the back of my mind, however, I never thought it possible.  I am at the beginning of seeing a successful career from this. I feel like I am at the beginning of this dream I have held in my heart since being a little girl writing about how her bunny got fat.  As with this adventure with La Boutique de Vogue, I know one thing for sure.  This writing adventure will have many twists and turns and morph into something I never thought possible.

I just have to say how lucky of a gal I am.  The last two days the hubby has had to put in 13 hour days.  Last night he came home with a bottle of yummy wine and a fantastic bouquet of flowers!  Today, the kids were playing outside.  I hear this “mom!  mom!  I’m teaching sister how to ride a bike.”  It was so incredibly sweet!  Cozette was sitting on the bike pedaling and he was holding it, running next to her.  It is moments like these, I am grateful to be in the place I am.  It makes the rest of crazy life, all worth it!

*Be forewarned, this is some raw emotion. However, i am sure some can relate*For those who know me, know i am a crier. i cry when i’m happy, when i’m sad, when i’m touched, when i’m angry…you get the picture. Well, tonight is another fresh burst of tears. i feel like i am beginning to get lost in the shuffle and barely keeping my head above the water called Shannon. My hubby wanted to take his hand at his own business. Yea for him, unfortunately some stuff happened and we aren’t sitting as pretty as planned. Instead, for the first time in my life i feel guilty for buying hair dye (i have been dying my hair since i was sixteen and have never had roots like these), even for buying face wash! i am not sure how much more sacrifice i can give. i have already taken on a few day care kiddos (besides my own 3), and now Kevin is going to have to get a part time job for extra income and benefits. i have had to put any dreams for Vogue Mum and my doula services on hold indefinitely. How much longer do i put up with this?! i have begun to feel so isolated. i have anywhere from 3-6 kids 5 (one who doesn’t listen and a baby who needs quite a bit of attention) and under, no car (we only have one car), and no money. What’s a girl to do? i know i am the only person i can control.

In the middle of this post, my hubby comes home. i of course and now bawling. After some conversation (half of which me hardly being able to talk from bawling so much), he came up with an idea. He is constantly amazed at how much i know (i don’t think so on a daily basis until i actually sit, sit? You mean with no distraction of children or my brain? hhmmm i guess that’s really only when it’s me and my running shoes, wait, that’s not sitting, crap!). He had an idea of teaching a class on making money blogging. Within the past few months i am surprised at how well my business blog, Rock Star Maternity has done.  Yes, i have made some money.  Not earth shattering, but i have:)  i first began with OSI Rock Stars, and what a great base.  After i had the foundation and idea, i ran far and free.  When i stop and think about all the various resources and info i have, i am amazed!  Now i have another company to add under my La Boutique de Vogue.  i have Vogue Mum, Rock Star Maternity Blog, The Domestic Engineer’s Union, and my doula biz (i am still deciding on the name so i can’t release it yet, you understand right?), now i have to come up with another name and business plan.  i joke about running my 10 companies.  i guess it just like the Secret (a concept i got a long time before thanks to some great mentors), you attract what you speak.  THAT’s why i have a mocha baby, growing up i thought how romantic it would be to have a black baby (this damn brain of mine! If you know where the off position is will you let me know?).  i constantly envision my dream life which i vision my children in 10 years or so.  i know we will get there, its just this crap we have to go through first to be more relatable i suppose.  It just hit me, 10 businesses in 10 years.  i better get crackin’!!

In the ever poignant words of Cindi Lauper..”Just another manic Monday.  Wish it were Sunday cuz that’s my fun day!”  Today was a day when you wish motherhood was a regular job.  If you are having a rough time, you can take a break or leave work all together.  i think if i left, someone may call Child Services because of some crying kids who are walking around in their underwear.  The last month or so naptime has become a struggle with my younger 2.  We have tried seperating them because they are in the same room.  We decided to put Cozette in our room.  Now, instead of causing trouble in their room, they have moved it to ours.  Now, Vahn migrates over there and they go through our stuff.  Last week, Vahn had something in his hand we couldn’t figure out what it was.  i asked the ever knowing Cozette.  “It’s one of those things you wear on your hands so you don’t get stuff on it.”  Upon closer inspection, a condom which they thought was a glove.  i went upstairs and our room was littered with condom wrappers, those nose strip things, little bags you get with extra buttons for your clothes, and the insides of a bag filled with dried lavendar.  This neat freak thought she had lost her mind!

Today, i hear giggling and go upstairs.  Again, Vahn migrated to our room and they were getting into stuff.  In one arm i had the baby from next door i watch a little bit, and the other hand quickly had the phone.  i knew, left alone, my temper was going full throttle and it ain’t gonna be pretty.  i was forced to call Kevin or a child was going to be beaten.

Again, i heard more giggling.  Vahn and Cozette were in the bathroom and i smelled poo.   i asked who pooped and Vahn volunteered.  He had poop all over his butt.  i went into his bedroom to find the undies that held the culprit.  Instead to my surprise, i found two huge nuggets on the floor.  i found the undies, dry and no skid marks.  Which means…..he took his underwear off and took a squat on the floor!  Then Chandlur so nicely pointed out there was poop on the walls.  i thought i was going to loose my mind!  The baby is screaming and i have poop to clean.  FABULOUS!

These are the days i wish i could leave work and go home to a nice quiet house…mmm quiet house.  That idea sounds so fantastic!