We have been doing a switch-a-roo of computers between the office and home this week.  I had to figure out how to get the wireless router to work.  Thankfully we have an old tower to plug it into!  It’s nice, now the laptop is primarily mine and I can sit on the couch again while on the computer.  The desktop is now at the office which has greatly improved my productivity at the office.  I bring in the laptop so we don’t have to share a computer anymore.  I was reminded of how nice and lazy I can be without ambition.  I got to take a nap each day and still feel like I was getting stuff non computer related done.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to not have any personal goals and dreams.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard and my brain wouldn’t be swarming with things on my to do list.  On the flip side, I think I would be pretty bored and probably depressed with the daily grind.

Last night I broke down and had a good cry.  I have moments where I get so overwhelmed, all I can do is ball.  I let it out and move on to what needs to be done.  I’m a pretty big dreamer and ambitious.  I am also married to a big, ambitious dreamer.  Sometimes that is awesome, and sometimes, not so much.  On top of his insurance career, he is beginning 2 other side businesses.  That along with me working for him, my doula goals, writing dreams, and blogging ambitions has got my brain on overload.  Did I mention, I am at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy?  I have no idea how I am going to get through this pregnancy with how busy Kevin is going to be.  That’s pretty much why I lost it last night.  I remember how I was after I started treatment when I was pregnant with Vahn.  The day of the treatment and the next day, I was pretty much worthless.  It took a lot out of me.

I am reminded again how I can only take life one day at a time.  All God give us is this moment and we are to be good stewards with the time.  Which means, along with my own goals, I must live in the moment with my children.  God has it all under control.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel.  I get it God!  Really, I do!  When I go crazy, will you remind me of this post?  I want to love the life I live (most days I do), and live in the moment (that will always be a work in progress).

Last Thursday was one of those days you want to crawl back in bed, pull the covers to your nose, and wait until midnight strikes for a new day.  I found myself bawling over a bathroom floor covered in toilet water.  See, my son Vahn is a mischievous one and always is interested in how things work and cause and affect (is that a correct sentence?  there are too many and’s I think. oh well.).  Sometimes its hilarious and sometimes, well, not so much.  I thought he was going potty, however taking a little too long.  I yelled at him to get out of the bathroom (many times he plays at the sink with stuff).  I then hear water running, like the sound of the bathtub being turned on.  I yell at him to turn off the water and proceed to the bathroom for a chat about not fooling around in the bathroom (again).  I get to the bathroom and he is nekkid and trying to gingerly walk through the water so as not to slip.  It had already started flowing out of the bathroom.  I quickly went and turned the water off, then got a couple towels to stop it from coming out any further.  In my low, scary, mommy only uses it when she is about to blow up voice, I told him to go upstairs.  I didn’t trust myself to be around him.  I was already on the brink of overwhelmed due to some stuff I told my hubby I would help him do (that’s what you get for trying to be a good wife).  After the towel was put down, I sat in the doorway of the bathroom and bawled, and bawled, and bawled some more.  I resolved to scrape this stuff back on my hubby’s plate.  It has just become lead in my pocket.  I think because my heart really isn’t into it, and it seems to be just one more thing to commit to.  Anyways, after I wiped my slobbering mess, I had to clean the bathroom and do a couple loads of laundry of clothes (there was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor now wet with toilet water), rugs, and towels.  Apparently this sweet son of mine, piece by piece, placed a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flushed.  Aaahh the joys of a curious little boy.

I love God’s sense of humor sometimes.  My hubby had just got paid for the month and wanted to do something nice for me.  I talked to him and cried my whoas later in the day.  He told me he had some extra stuff for me to do the next day after my appointment.  I sighed, more crap to do.  He said I would like it.  He came home that night with an appointment to get a mani/pedi (it doesn’t matter how busy a place is, they always remember me because he is the one who makes me appointments, and I think I have found my favorite place) and a gift card for my favorite little coffee shop.

On friday, I went to my appointment, bought a book, went to Ava Roaseria’s for lunch and coffee, then went to get my nails all prettied up.

Whenever I get really frustrated with Kevin, it seems he does something which then makes me feel like a shmuck.  The funny thing is, I don’t tell him I am frustrated and he has no clue.  He will just show up with something nice like flowers or a gift card for coffee.