I just finished reading Genesis 21 and 22.  I was only going to read my one chapter for the day but God kept prodding my heart to continue.

Our sweet Chandlur has some issues we are in the process of seeking help for.  He has some serious developmental delays which makes school a tough time and home life chaotic at times.  Thankfully we have some resources we are finally able to seek out for him.  Even as I type this I have to stop and wipe my tears.  This whole subject is very emotional for me.  I know I am not to blame at all, however, as a mother, I do.  This is the only area of my life I play the what if game.  What if my life during pregnancy wasn’t so stressful?  What if I didn’t go back to that abusive relationship?  What if my parents had been more supportive?  What if he didn’t have to have the vacuum during birth?  What if….What if….What if….I am his protector, how can I not blame myself?

When I was pregnant with him, God spoke to my heart.  This little guy is going to accomplish great things above and beyond me.  He is going to touch thousands of lives.  God has a very special purpose for him.  On the hard days I cling to that promise like a child clings to their favorite blankey when they are scared.  Prayer is the thumb I suck.  I love that kid so much it hurts sometimes.  I see him struggle and it hurts my heart so much.  It kills me to say I can’t handle it anymore.  As a mom I am supposed to be able to take of my kids and provide for them.  I just can’t give him what he needs anymore.  It kills me to say I need serious professional help for him now.

Genesis 21:1 — God’s promises are always true.  I cling to this aspect of His character so much and in so many different parts of my life.  Verse 2 — God has perfect timing.  He has it all under control.  He knows the big picture and I must trust in that.  Verses 15-21 — God takes our mistakes and bad choices and redeems them.  They turn into these magnificent pieces of God’s character.  Chandlur redeemed me in so many ways.

I was about to close my Bible and notebook when the prodding to keep going wouldn’t go away.  Genesis 22 is about Abraham taking Isaac out to sacrifice him.  God wanted to see how much Abraham trusted him.  I need to give up Chandlur and place him wholly in God’s arms.  I am being required to trust God like never before.  It has been really stressful lately because Chandlur’s issues are becoming worse and more defined.  How do u discipline a 6 year who forgot 2 minutes ago you told him not to do something?  It’s like he is an infant and you are having to lovingly say no and remove them or the object.  You think he should know these things, but his brain doesn’t work that way.  I need to give up complete control of him and trust God’s promises are true.  He will heal Chandlur and Chandlur will go on to touch many.  I need to rest in the fact, it is all how it should be.  God is in control.  I need to do the best I can and God will take care of the rest.  There is a reason God chose me to be his mommy.

God, I release Chandlur wholeheartedly into Your hands.  I know You have promised great and mighty things through him.  Keep guiding me to the right tools to help him get there.  When I can’t go on or feel like bursting into tears, grant me Your amazing strength.  Thank you that Your grace is sufficient and Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank you that You speak in the right moment and restore our hope.

I guess Chandlur has babies on the brain. First I have to figure out how to explain about the man in Bend who is pregnant again. How confusing for a little kid! He looks like a man and he is going to have baby. After a pause trying to figure out what to say, I told him, he really is a girl but looks like a man. Whew, he took that. Then a little while later, THE question. “Mommy, how do babies get in mommies tummies?” O crap, another long pause figuring out what to say. I told him when a mommy and daddy get together. Whew! He took that and didn’t ask anymore questions. One of those questions you know is coming but are completely caught off guard when it happens.

Today was the first official day of school in our house (unless you consider preschool).  We all walked Chandlur out to the bus stop, and i almost cried (i kept myself in check though with some hard swallows) .  We kept having conversations if he was nervous about anything.  In typical Chandlur fashion, and emphatic no. He got on the bus and waved proudly with the biggest smile i have seen from him.  He is now a big boy who gets to ride the school bus.

i forgot today and tomorrow they are out 25 minutes earlier than normal.  i was watching the clock to get him from the bus stop.  All of a sudden he came bounding into the house.  He proudly told me how he walked in the bark chips(there isn’t a side walk) and walked close to the trees.  He also had an uneaten lunch. hhmm i was trying to get out of him why.  All i can understand is that somehow he got lunch at school and the teacher said not to bring his lunch??  Maybe they have a new program of free food??  Wait, that would mean higher taxes.  Ok, maybe not a great idea.  He also had papers to give to his teacher (permission slips and such).  At first he said he gave them to the bus driver, then he said he put them on the counter (at home), then he said his teacher got them.  The reliability of a 5 year old, oy!  Another question for the teacher.  Geesh, i don’t want to come off as a helicopter parent for this poor lady.

All in all sounds like he had a great day and is excited to go back tomorrow.  i hope when conferences come around, i don’t get the “disruptive” notification.  He loves to talk and is easily distracted.  i guess i can’t expect much more from a 5 year old boy who loves life?