I know I have been quiet the last couple weeks.  I am trying to get some rhythm restored in my life now that I’m working part time for Kevin and starting my doula business.

When I began this blog, I knew I would be completely honest about my life and feelings.  Last week was a very, very trying week.  Kevin was working late most nights, and I was worn out!  Wednesday he was supposed to be home around 6:30.  When 7 rolled around, I called him a few times.  I was ticked to say the least.  I keep telling him if he is going to be later than he says, send me a quick text.  He told Chandlur he would be home to help him with his homework and paint this model house his teacher had given him.  Finally at about 7:45 I got a text he was leaving.  He had told me he had an appointment at 5:30 which wouldn’t take too long.  I was so upset because the kids needed to go to bed and he wouldn’t be home in time.  He broke a promise to Chandlur, and this was the last time I was going to deal with this crap.  I keep telling him the same thing if he is going to be late and he chooses not to be respectful.  I was so incredibly upset.  After I put the kids down I was bawling.  He has no respect for me and broke a promise to Chandlur.  When I first married him, he was a different guy than he is now.  Over the past year or two, I have seen him becoming more and more like my father.  Wednesday, the flood gates opened.  I even texted him that I was about to say don’t bother coming home.  This is the first time I have ever been so upset I don’t even want him in the same house.  I see where my life is heading just as when I was younger.  It was completely overwhelming.  I told Kevin I refuse to allow our family to become like the one I was raised in.  My mom somehow accepted it, however, I told Kevin, I wouldn’t.  I can’t.  I refuse for my kids to have a judgmental, distant father and a mother who is physical and yells because she is overwhelmed and angry all the time.  Of course, he apologized like he always does.  The next day he acted like nothing happened.  I guess only time will tell if he really gets it.  I know right now I am a little guarded.  I refuse to let this become routine.

I have also been working hard on my business plan for my doula biz.  I want to make sure I set it up right to be successful.  I should hopefully be done with it this week and build the site.  I am hoping to have at least one client in December then really hit it hard in January.  It’s amazing how big this is getting.  While doing the business plan, more ideas and concepts keep coming up.  I can really see this being business with many other women and support staff.  It’s pretty exciting!  This is why I want to really want a solid plan.

What a week!  I have been so busy, I have hardly been on my computer in almost a week.  Saturday I was out in Newberg at a women’s tea with my mother-in-law, then we had an interview with our new nanny that evening.

Sunday, after church, we helped with the set up for Tunnel Night.  Tunnel Night is tonight which we will be leaving for shortly.  The purpose of Tunnel Night, is an outreach to the jr high and high schoolers.  We create our own haunted house, or in this case dungeon to scare the crap out of these kids.  See, church can be fun and cool too!

Monday was my first day to work in almost 6 years!  The very first time I have left my kids with a stranger.  I was home for about an hour and a half, then we had to pick up Chandlur from school.  Then we dropped them off with my dad and went to a wedding.  We ran into old friends which was really cool to catch up.  Besides the fact, I couldn’t have any ‘adult’ beverages, it was a really fun time.  I got to catch a glimpse of the fun me before kids.  She gets to come out every now and again.  It reminds of who I really am and it’s refreshing.

Tuesday I after work, I had to take a nap.  I was so exhausted and not feeling good.  We had pancakes for dinner because I just couldn’t be active very long without wanting to puke.  The rest of the night, I was lazy and just watched t.v.

Today, working and Tunnel Night.  Kevin is going to be the dungeon master/butler guy who ushers them into the castle.  I am pretty excited!  Our nanny, Destiny, even folded my laundry today!  Oh happy day!

I told Kevin that this comming weekend we better not have much planned.  This mama needs a break.

People keep asking me how it is going back to work.  I just tell them, check back with me in about a month.  Maybe it really hasn’t hit me because I have gone into the office to help before.  The only difference, more adults and no kids.   It’s not too bad because Kevin is my boss.  Today I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks we can get into a rythme and I will be more comfortable with the system and insurance process.  Thankfully I know some from things he has said before.

I’m off to get ready to leave the house, yet again!

A nanny.  When I hear that word, I think hoity toity.  Welp, these poor folk are hiring one (at least we won’t be broke much longer!).  Since I am going to be “working” for Kevin, somone has to watch Cozette and Vahn.  I think they could manage by themselves, however, I don’t think the neighbors would see that as teaching them survival skills.  Not to mention the cleaning crew that will have to be called in daily.  After calling around, we discovered hiring a nanny would in fact be cheaper than us driving our kids somewhere.  Imagine that!  I feel so posh saying we are hiring a nanny.  At the same time I am terrified.  Since having Chandlur 5 1/2 years ago, I haven’t worked outside of these walls.  I’m not worried for their safety as much as the time I spend with them.  Also, if I don’t feel good in the morning, no more being lazy.  I guess it’s giving up a little of my freedom so Kevin can go out and make more money, not having to worry about the admin side of things.  I keep telling myself they are 3 and 4 plus it will only be for about 3 hours 4 days a week.  The 5th day will be library story time and maybe coffee time or cheeseburgers.  Just time for them and me.  I will miss them for those few hours, however, it will be nice to be back in the grown up world:)